Hearing two commanding and debasing voices (danger: triggers)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by solutions, May 23, 2011.

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  1. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    I generally don't talk about my psychoses. They're varied and complicated, include both delusions and hallucinations, and I'm better at the strictly affective disorders. When I'm not in the midst of them, I'm perfectly high-functioning and appear otherwise totally normal. In any case, this is worth mentioning, since it's related to suicide.

    I've been hearing two voices recently. One is Lucifer, and one is his minion, Astaroth. Lucifer gave me commands and told me I would be rewarded in the afterlife if I followed through with them. I'd rather not say what these commands were, but they would have left me and others dead. He predominated for a while. Later on, Astaroth did most of the speaking. Astaroth is a female demon who at one point was a young woman who committed suicide in despair. She explained to me in extensive detail her past life as a battered woman who died at 23.

    I was planning to commit suicide a few days ago on Saturday. I did not say in that thread that for the past two or three weeks, I was being commanded by Astaroth to do it. When I chose not to follow through, she was screaming at me. She said I let everyone down by not killing myself. She also said I knew perfectly well I was just forestalling the inevitable, and that now I would only suffer worse because of my inaction. But she didn't stop there, she continued to debase me, working through my life and pointing out every time I failed to do something important, or was the cause of someone else's disaster. She brought up my middle years in elementary school, when I had the misfortune of being involved with bullies who were bigger than me, and she said I deserved everything they said and did, that I was weak, that I'm in everyone's way. Then she disappeared, and it was quiet again.

    Voices aren't new to me, but I don't like talking about them with clinicians. They know that I experience it, but I don't go into any detail about what the content is. I'm 24 now, I've been hearing them since I was 14. Ten years is a long time to get used to them. Antipsychotics, even at extremely high dosages (e.g., 1200mg of Seroquel per day, 25mg of Zyprexa), have not quieted them. The first time I revealed that I was experiencing any kind of psychosis was after my suicide attempt at the age of 17. A doctor woke me up and asked me why I had tried to kill myself. I vaguely remember telling him, barely awake and almost comatose from the treatment I was given, that I was on a mission from God and had failed and needed to atone for my failure. But being hospitalized later gave me a chance to talk about them in a different kind of clinical setting.

    So from all that, you'd definitely get the idea that these voices are malicious, but that's not always the case. Sometimes they're neutral, at times they've even been positive. It doesn't seem to be mood-congruent. But I'm so used to them that I don't feel like I need to fear them. They're just there, they can't touch me or in any other way interact with me. And since antipsychotics of various kinds have not seemed to affect them, I expect to live with it for the remainder of my life. I'm okay with that.

    But I'm digressing; the point of this post is to disclose a detail about myself as it's related to my experience on Saturday. So, there you go.
  2. Green.Triceratops

    Green.Triceratops Account Closed

    Thanks for sharing i actually found your post kind of enlightening. Never heard voices but i can see how after a while the voices make sense.

    Stay strong and don't listen to the voices (the negative ones anyway)
  3. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    I cannot imagine going through life with your own personal critics and enablers perpetually riding your shoulders. You have my sympathies, Chris.
  4. Chris, remember to let the positive remarks stay in your head and ignore the negative ones.. Just turn a deaf ear to the bad ones.. Come here whenever you hear them screaming negative remarks at you again.. Tell them before you can act out on their orders, you need to seek my permission first.. ask them to come find me and fight me..

    Take care Chris and hope to hear from you again.. :hug:
  5. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    You guys really are incredible. I don't think there's any other forum, anywhere, that would react with the comfort and feeling that you have here. It's just amazing how safe a place this is.

    Thank you, to each of you.
  6. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I can sympathize, because I have schizoaffective disorder. They are just like that, your biggest critics, and everything. They controlled me everytime I wanted to tell someone about them. I've been hearing them since I was 11 or 12. I'm 32 now, and they are just part of my life.

    I'm on antipsychotics, three of them in fact. All they do is dull the screaming and yelling a bit. They will never leave me alone. Just like yours will never leave you alone.

    I thought I was a prophet, Jesus Christ, and even God.

    It took me getting thrown in jail to get the help I needed. I am on those antipsychotics, and figure I will be for the rest of my life too.

    Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.
  7. Yeah.. I second that.. :biggrin:

    Hey.. :hug: You know you can always come to the chat room and talk it out.. See you soon.. :hug: You take care.. :love:
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