Hearing voices.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by suicidal maniac, Jul 3, 2009.

  1. suicidal maniac

    suicidal maniac Well-Known Member

    I know it's a schizo thing, and that I need medication, unfortunately it will be another week before I go to the hospital. I can hear my neighbour talking to me, I can hear my other neighbour, and the funny part is I can hear them having sex in my head, and when I check they are actually having sex. So don't tell me that It's all in my head. It's because of the marijuana I smoked, I know. I haven't smoked for a while now. It's funny how some people are in heaven, and I'm in hell. One day it was bothering me so much that I droped to the floor in the kitchen and had like a seizure. Sure this is all personality weakness. I have been having homocidel thoughts about them, I know I wouldn't do it, but that way I'm fighting off the 'evil' spirits. I went totally nuts the only time I'm better is when I'm smoking weed. Now I have to go to the hospital and try different medictations, which is expensive, I'm not under a plan, I haven't had a steady job for over 6 months, I own over $20000 dollars in debt, I haven't payed visa bills for over 6 months. All becasue I want to be free. My head feels like somebody is peeling the skin off my skull. There is nothing you can say that will make me feel better. I had incest thoughts that explains my skin bein pilled off, and they are literaly driving me mad. I should be in the hospital in a jacket, but they think I'm ok. I'm cutting my leg still for over 3 years I'm ok. Had a couple of suicidal attempts but I'm ok. I don't know what to tell the doctor about the voices, because I don't want him to label me as a szhizo, becasue I would loose my licence, as I know that it's the weed that makes me hear voices, weed and loneliness is not good, you think you much, and you notice things you are not supposed to notice. I think that If I tell my doctor that it was the weed induced pscychosis, than he would understand, and not screw up my life, I think I know my self better then any doctor. These incect thoughts came up when I was high on week and cocain, and I lost my mind for a couple of minutes, the result is hell that I can't explain. I never wanted to carry out the incest, but for some reason it came up. Now I hear voices that says, of why do you want to F..... your ......? How do I tell the voices that I never wanted to F..... my ...... but I went sick. It was bothering me so much that one time, I hit my head against the closet door full strenght, wood, like 8 times. My head swolle up, then I went to work. Life is good. The other time, I took a lighter and started to burn my leg. The stories I hear hear make my story seem like nothing. I'm scared I'm nervous, and I feel that my reputation is at stake. I have to move away from my home becasue I have had bisexual thoghts about my neighbour and his girlfriend, and now he thinks I'm gay, these are the voices again, how do I tell the voice that I'm not. What you can't be curious? I'm sure paying for it though. If I tell people about these thought right away they call me gay. Sure I tell them I experimented, but that was a long time ago, and it went all better thanks to the medication, but I really need medicaton, because I'm pain, I don't know how I'm going to make it through the week. This is inhumane what I'm feeling. I need antipsychotics, sorry for the reambling but this forum is the only place where I can let it out out. It's unbelivable how easy it is to screw up your brain. What people don't know won't hurt them, what they know will hurt you. I feel like a singled out monkey who everybody kicks becasue they have problems of their own. And the voices go again, "don't do it like this, becasue you have to lie otherwise the world will F..... you up. I'm not a bad guy, maybe I'm overreacing at the moment I know. Also I let a fag go down on me around 5 years ago, he pulled up to me on Yonge street, it looked like a woman so now I know it was a he, called me cute, he had a wig on, so I got in the car, I knew it was a guy, but I was having a bad day, so I said F.... it, if you want me you can have me. Since then I was in a number of fights, because people think I like that kind of thing. Honestly it felt like a dead cat on my lap, he made me feel real uncofortable, and he noticed so he stoped and let me go. Because of this assholle people call me bisexual. I had a couple of other once like I said but no enjoyment. I guess I uesed this guy as a payback. This one I'm having a hard time with becasue he was black. Oh shit Obama sucked my dick. It realy didn't look like Obama, he was much fatter, it looked like Bigie Smalls man with a wig. So I'm thinking that Biggie Smalls is in hell, so he did that becasue he had to pay for killing Tupac. Of course I'm joking.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 3, 2009
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Drugs can really mess with your mind and it sounds like they are doing a good job at it. If you are having thouights of harming others, you do need professional help. Look into the possibility of some government funded assistance if you are eligible. :hug: