heart bleeding

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by White Dove, Jul 19, 2007.

  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    I cant do this anymore... I am so totally alone yet everyone says i am not... when i am online here i get a few replies from others who seem to care but deep down in my heart i am hurting with an unbelievable pain...

    i dont know why you gave me this cancer.. i still dont understand the reasons behind it all.. is it punishment from you because i caused so much pain? Is it because i caused so much hurt upon others?

    my heart is bleeding inside so much... the words that say of a broken heart are so true for me.. my heart is broken so much that i just do not see how it can ever be fixed or even healed...

    God why do i have to suffer this much? Why do i have to feel this pain? Have i not already been through enough? Have i not already felt the harsh reality of a life full of hard ships and pain?

    I was never popular at school , never had any friends , and those that did become a friend were taken from me...

    The Daltons , i miss them so much... The really meant a lot to me and now i can not even fix the relationship of being friends with them.. Satan has put a wedge between us that i can not undo and now my life is meaningless.. they actually was my only hope of trying to fight this stupid cancer.. they were my only reason but i need to just let go.. i need to just understand and face the reality that i will never see them again nor will i ever get to let them know just how much i loved them and how much i really wanted them to know i tried to make some things right... I need to totally give up God , just give up cause this is a battle i can not win.. i know that i probably can not make it into heaven cause i cant even make things with the daltons right..

    They hate me Lord and i do not blame them... Oh how i wish i could change things but i can not and it really breaks my heart.. God you know my heart is bleeding and breaking inside and i need you to help me to let go... help me to let go of the daltons , my past , and this life... i want to hold onto it but i cant.. i dont deserve you or your love... i dont deserve anyone...

    This place has many good people here , many that hurt like i do.. I cant help them God cause i cant even help myself... Please take care of everyone here.. Please let them know that they are loved by you and that you can give them comfort when they need it.. please grant them what they need if it be according to your will but please overlook me... I am not worth your love.. i have did so many things wrong , said so many things wrong...

    God my heart bleeds inside for them but i cant help them.. i cant make things right with the daltons , i cant undo the damage or my past , i seem to even make others mad at me and cant do the things i used to do anymore..

    This body you gave me is weaking more and more each day.. i tried walking to my mailbox yesterday but could not do it because i was so weak.. i feel the life draining from me every day and the pain increases each night.. if it is not this physical pain then it is the emotional pain of a bleeding heart that hurts... i hurt because i know i will never see those that i care about ever again.. they hate me and they have every reason to , but oh how often i wish i could tell them the truth of what happened by my neice but i dont even know half of what went wrong just what she has told me and what i have found on my computer...

    God , you know the truth.. you know how my heart bleeds... is this what you want from me? you want me to continue to feel this much pain? i need to give up.. this is a battle i can not win... i can not win at both pains.. i can not beat the cancer cause it has destroyed way too much of me and has made me way too weak.. and i can not win this emotional battle of a heart bleeding insidfe for forgiveness from two people who i will never see again or ever be able to make things right with them..

    God , help me , help me give up... i cant do this anymore... my heart has been bleeding for way too long... I need to just let go.. Help me let go? my heart bleeds too much and i cant take this pain.. i cant win.. help me give up.... Help me to let go.....
     
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    There are no answers as to why some people have to suffer with various diseases and why others don't. You may try reading the book of Job where Satan asks God to let him make Job suffer. God grants him the permission. Job's friends tell him he must have done something awful and needs to repent. Job prays and asks for forgiveness only for it to happen again. He doesn't know what he has done wrong. I believe Job even asks for his life to be taken, but that wish is not honored. God never tells Job why he was allowed to suffer. I don't know if this will help you understand any better or not. I just know you have alluded to biblical references in some of your posts and this might apply somewhat to the situation you find yourself in. :hug: