Heart or head? Relationship advice needed

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by sarah0574, Sep 7, 2011.

  1. sarah0574

    sarah0574 Member

    Do people think it's better to follow their heart or their head when it comes to relationships? Please can you give me advice on my situation

    I recently had an affair with a 27 year old guy, 20 years younger than my husband (this guy is 10 years younger than me). I had only been married to my husband for three months when the affair began though we have been together for nearly 11 years and we have a 3 year old son together. You probably will ask why I married my husband if I was going to have an affair so soon after. I can only say I was having second thoughts before the wedding but put it down to wedding nerves/family stresses. I love my husband but our sex life has dwindled, there is little passion on my side, and we are more like friends than lovers. My husband has a very small penis which wasn't a problem for years as I loved him so much and other aspects of our sex life were great but it has increasingly become a problem. It is not just the size, he also doesn't last long before he comes and I can't help comparing him to the young guy I had the affair with. I had the most incredible chemistry with this young guy, we had the most amazing sex, and we ended up falling in love with each other. My husband found out about the affair and I decided I had to give my marriage another chance. My husband was willing to forgive me but said I have to convince him that I still wanted him. However I don't think I can. I feel like I'm with him for the wrong reasons, just to keep our nice house and to provide a secure family for our son. This young guy would like to be with me I know, we have a real emotional as well as physical connection; however he still lives with his parents and he hasn't got a well-paid job. So my head tells me I should try to make it work with my husband for the security even though the intimacy's gone, but my heart tells me I want to be with this other guy, even though my life would be harder. I don't want to make the wrong decision and regret it. Can anyone offer some advice? Thanks
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have a family a commitment you say you love your husband why destroy that for sex i don't get it but family has always come first. If you are having troubles in the bedroom then perhaps go see a therapist that deals with sexual issues If your love for your husband is not there anymore then tell him don't use him for financial benefits He deserves to know where you stand with him
  3. Kassy

    Kassy Well-Known Member

    World is strange...
    My husband always tells me he would put a end to our relationship (together since 15 years) if I had an affair. And I am thinking about having one now because I want we split ! But did not find a guy yet.

    I had that strange dream last night where, in a common agreement, my husband and I were divorcing, but I felt I had to get as many hugs I could, so I would not feel the emptyness after he left.

    When I wake up, I was wondering if it was an answer to my question : split or not...

    After 15 years of happiness and manipulation, I feel I have done enough to improve our relation......when my husband just started to understand what means the word 'communication'.
  4. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Hmm... Well, there's alot going off. What do they say? The grass is always greener on the otherside?
    You need to put this other person aside and look at your life and what is important to you. Is your marriage important to you, do you feel you are getting the emotional/physical connection you need. Are you getting what you need out of life regardless of whom you are with? ... things like that.

    You really, really need to consider your child. 3's a prime age for absorbing what's happening around him. I'm meaning this for a couple reasons. The way you are around your husband, your child is picking up on it on some level. Wether you are being close together, or feeling distant from eachother. ect.
    .... ok sorry, if that sounds extremely rude, im not trying to be. It's just important, because you two are strained on some level.

    About this 27 year old. Yah.. he's going to be attractive. He's a decade younger than you :smile: I mean common, he's gonna have the oomph for life that maybe your husband doesnt have atm. Maybe your husband had a similar passion this guy has? Maybe your husband needs a wake up call to life too? Maybe you both do?

    I'm not being funny, but from my perspective, if youre in a boring blah life and you feel trapped, and you see someone with a bounce or energy that youre lacking, that person is going to be highly attractive. Couple that with sex and an ability to communicate on an emotional level, you have something very desirable. But you need to look at it realistically. You and your husbandsupport yourselves. You've gone through the crap of setting a life up, going through the shit I imagine, knowing what it means to have responsbibility of your own lives on your shoulders.

    This guy.. not so much. 27 and living with his parents? If you two got together, he's gonna have to move out. Stresses will come into play, his mentality could shift, he could start becoming colder and more drained from the change in lifestyle to what he has now, and not be as "open" as he is. But lets say that he is. You've got more things toconsider. Alot actually. Theres things about his character for starters. He knows you in a relationship, married and with a child between you and your husband. Not sure how the relationship evolved but he's effectively breaking up a core family unit. Maybe love is blinding him? Or he see's it as an inevitablity from what youve been telling him/how youre feeling. but... idk. Guess all Im trying to say is, a spark of light outside of an unfullfilling life can seem very attractive and almost inspiring.


    sex? let's be fair, youre 10 years olderthan he is? so when youre 47 and he's 37, do you think he'll be in the same boat as you? Sex is a dodgy factor. If it's a driving force.. erhm... idk. I suppose you're going to have to weigh that out. But I can imagine if it's quick sex, then maybe there's a bond that's been perhaps weakened between you and your husband. That can be worked on, but you and he both need to see that...well you're not a wife, and he's not a husband. You're two people who fell inlove and made a life with eachother. Maybe you compromised things to get where you two are at now. Perhaps it's time to look at who you both are as individuals and find what you both fell inlove with for eachother. 11 years is a very long time. .. I'd atleast look at the fact that you did love him with all your heart. Why can't you again?
  5. 1112222

    1112222 Well-Known Member

    I'll be blunt and say that even if your marriage sucks leaving your husband for that guy is just downright stupid.

    Because I hate to say it but for a women of your age you seem to be very naive if you seriously think that a 27 year old man with no responsibilities in life and not to mention who has no obligations to stay with you is going to stick around if you leave your husband. The most probable outcome is that once he gets bored with you, He'll just kick you to the curb.
  6. lord.nigel

    lord.nigel Well-Known Member

    You have a child and it would be downright wrong to leave a marriage purely because someone younger has shown the slight bit of interest in you.

    Men will find you attractive, but you need the confidence to say no, it just wouldnt be right, rather than be willing to put everyone you love in so much pain, just so you can feel a little bit more love.

    You also need to work out where your priorities lie? With your child, with your husband who has stood by you, or your own self interest.

    A word of warning is, I think you will really regret it and you will destroy everyone around you in the process :(

    I'm sorry if the above sounds harsh, and I in no way mean it to be.

    I hope you mae the right decision
  7. AlopexAngel

    AlopexAngel Chat Buddy

    If you want to be with someone else, get a divorce or forget wanting someone else. No one, not your husband or you child, wants to be someone if they're not willing to respect them and their marriage. You need to pick one or the other.
  8. marklondon

    marklondon Well-Known Member

    It's interesting that you think that providing a secure family for your son is one of the 'wrong reasons' to be with someone, whereas having amazing sex is one of the 'right reasons'.

    If it weren't for the fact that you have a child, perhaps the sensible thing would be to leave your husband (though I daresay the right thing to have done would have been to have left him first, rather than betrayed him with another man and then left him when it was convenient for you). But given that you have a child, you have not only betrayed your husband, but also your child.

    This is not a matter of your 'heart' versus your 'head'. It is a matter of whether your 'heart' is big enough to encompass the effects of your actions on your child, your husband, and in the long term, everyone affected by the person your grown-up child will become as a result of your deciding that his welfare is the 'wrong reason' to stay around.

    However, and I hate to be terribly cynical, I have a feeling even if 100 people on the Internet tell you this, it is more likely you will listen to the 1 friend who tells you to just 'go for it' because what really matters in the end is that you feel good, or that love conquers all, or some other such utterly amoral individualistic nonsense that just serves to justify what you wanted to do already.

    Forget about your head, try to use your frontal cortex to think about the long term implications of your actions, rather than how 'amazing' the sex will be (and, as with every relationship, the sex will stop being so 'amazing' after a couple of years, when you are both completely familiar to each other).
  9. spailpin

    spailpin Active Member

    I happen to be the other man in just such a relationship. . sheis married. . 19 years. . to a man very similar to what you describe. . our chemistry is amazing. . we love each other adn often speak of teh unbreakable bond between us. . however. . she will not leave her husbadn, adn I will not ask it of her. . we have come close tp demise as the love gets overwhelming for us both. . living two lives is dificult at best. .
    I left a marrige to be with her. . I follow my heart. . I have to. . so I am now alone. . we have talked of me finding someone, but continuing our relationship. .
    frankly, its a mess. . but I love her beyond all reason adn cannot imaginelverleaving her. . evern to be with another. .
    I wish I had some advice. . but I am too close to where you are. .
    I feel for y9our poredicament. . adn understand it first hand. .
    if I can help please let me know. . .
  10. sarah0574

    sarah0574 Member

    Hi David
    Thanks for your message. It's interesting to hear it from the other point of view, though I feel your pain... Can I ask why she won't leave her husband? Does she have child(ren) too? Does her husband not know about you? Does he suspect? How have you kept it a secret? I am sorely tempted to meet up with my young man again in secret even though I know it's the wrong thing to do. He has already told me he would like to see me again even if only for drink and a chat... However I know it is unlikely to just be a chat... the chemistry is too strong. I haven't seen him for 2 months but I know the feelings are still going to be there. My husband and I aren't happy together and can't seem to make it work. I am so confused. I don't want to turn my child's life upside down, he is such a happy secure little boy. And I'm so afraid my friends/family are going to judge me harshly and say I've abandoned my son even though I would want equal custody and would be willing to live near my husband and remain amicable with him.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 11, 2011