heart somewhat slowed

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by solutions, Aug 10, 2013.

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  1. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    now that I'm actually looking at this box, I'm not sure what to write. that sucks. i guess i'll talk about what happened to my best friend and how it has taken root through the core of my heart.

    it's been almost exactly 10 years since my best friend (and just before the incident for a few days, oddly enough, romantic partner) was permanently psychologically disabled and lost her personality and cognition. I'm reminded of it often. I only really knew her for roughly four years, when we were both about 12 until the age of 17 before the incident. The strange thing is that this is not something to perceive differently as a positive thing, like so many therapists have tried and failed to convince me. sure, perception is a wonderful thing, and life is nothing more than expecting time ahead. but I do not accept the person I see who is so vacant and terrified as someone others say i should look past. i've been detached from the world and myself ever since seeing her afterward and being told she was miscarrying at the same time she was going through the "recovery process", in a persistent dreamlike state of mind. i am in a state of anomie.

    she's not exactly brain-damaged, so let's clear that up. when she was 16, she was beaten up, raped, and went through a phase of what was diagnosed as a temporary psychosis, and delirium tremens (DT) from medication side effects. a lot of things happened at once that all added up to be very bad. she's 25 now and perfectly alive, just not in the psychological sense. she's very much disabled and will never have a "normal" life. she, as it has been put, sustained catastrophically severe trauma without recovering, and it didn't help at all that she had always been very badly prone to serious suicidal depression since she was eight years old. she lacks her former personality and ability to think clearly. nearly everything is a "trigger" for her, and she requires solitude along with emotional isolation and deadness.

    we maintain a facade of a friendship, although i honestly don't know if she recognizes me as the same person she knew. i mean that literally--she can't express it in a way i can understand. she has a lot of difficulty thinking. it's very very hard to speak with her, and i can't see her in-person, only through text messaging, and she won't speak on the phone. i'm kept at a safe distance because she has a physical reaction to proximity and connection to others. she rarely speaks and i can never tell what she's thinking even when she talks due to its...what's the term? emotional dysregulation? as in, her demeanor and words don't match her thinking. she avoids thinking as much as she can. she's said that she avoids thinking because it makes her panic. she knows who i am and sometimes talks to me, but only on a superficial level. she *can not*--as in, does not have the ability to--connect with others.

    obviously, i've made every effort to get through to her, but the fact is that the girl i knew and loved is for all intents and purposes dead, and her radical change in personality, affect, cognition, and inability to empathize is permanent. she will never recover and will die physically at a later time, perhaps naturally or perhaps by suicide. the same kind of rubbed off on me, although i'm much more functional in society and not considered too disabled to work (in fact, due to a rare type of cognitive disorder that was observed for about 10 years, i'm a sort-of atypical autistic in that i'm unnaturally devoid of some basic skills, highly proficient at others, and exceptionally socially intuitive and highly extroverted. while some of this is fun, it doesn't change the fact that i'm overly emotionally labile, and in some ways seriously cognitively disabled, at the same time.)

    normally, that's something you would go to therapy for, for however long a time, and eventually regain some sort of emotional attachment capacity. well, she did go through the first part of that, but without success. she panics even talking about therapy because she was encouraged to talk about things that caused her to panic, so she was never able to reconcile with her own trauma. so even the concept of therapy itself makes her think of what she said, which in turn makes her remember, which is a trigger. she eventually gave up, as it was, and lives kind of mechanically with her mother. she appears odd and stilted, almost robotic, and almost totally emotionally flat and apathetic alternating with anxiety and panic. that's really the extent of her capacity for emotion.

    i miss her horribly. i'm well past admitting that i have often wished she hadn't survived even for just my sake. sometimes i go a long time without hearing from her, but then after a couple of months she'll send me a text message about something, but not anything substantial. she keeps me at a very frustrating and fixed distance, neither too close nor too far, and objects if i lean in either direction. she is very childish, almost infantile, in this specific way. i've perpetually been my own way since then, and also detached, but very highly functional and even sometimes seen as exceptionally gifted. i'm 26 and perfectly well-adjusted in life, at least from the outside view looking in.

    her aside, my own situation isn't very fun. i have my own set of psychological issues that i also can not sort out with any therapist or through any amount of talking, which i've been doing with a myriad persons since then, but without any success at all, and not due to unwillingness, just no progress while everything else deteriorates faster than i can put it back together. it's very complicated. that's for other discussions.

    anyway, this has gone on long enough. walls of text are no fun.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 10, 2013
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    This is so tragic...it does sound like the death of your former friend/partner...it is like for a few days you two had so much and now all is gone...I am so sorry...I hope you do not feel you contributed to any of her ills...and that, you can feel you deserve that romantic connection in your life again...I am so sorry for you loss
  3. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    yes indeed. i've made lots of friends and been in a few potential relationships since then, but the relationships don't last for very long because of my own lack of attachment. my almost funny "mysteriousness", as it's been called, is sometimes attractive, but it's true detachment, not a personality trait, else i wouldn't be so unhappy with it. because i'm a very articulate, logical, and verbal person (which is actually common for my uneven cognitive development, hence the autism-spectrum learning disability), i get by fairly well in life when it comes to being liked. it's lonely, though, which is something i honestly can't explain very well to others unless they have experience with social anhedonia. it'd be nice to find a relationship in which i could have an actual participation, which is a start. losing my sense of unreality is not something i believe will ever fade, as it's only gotten more apparent over time. it doesn't hinder my ability to function, though, or to act appropriately in and adapt to any given situation.

    i said it before, but it's good to see you again, sadeyes. it's been a long time. i was compelled to come back here after reading a particular book about suicide. i've made a heck of a collection, and it's still sitting in the same half of this room.
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