Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by stacy343, Jan 4, 2016.

  1. stacy343

    stacy343 New Member

    I don't know were to start I just need to tell someone n get it all out as I'm not coping i want to share some of my back story before i share my heartache which led me here today I'll try cut as much out as I can cos it will be a long one,I'm 28 and from being 16-26 I was with a man who totally broke me and shatterd the person I once was he abused me physically and mentally but I still loved him but it got worse and he started to not let me go out or have contact with friends he used to lock me in the bedroom and it got to a point were he hurt me so much if I tried to leave so in the end i didn't try anymore and put up with what he wanted and stayed home with him he made me feel like I couldn't live or survive without him i depended on him,I got free from him after he got sent to prison for 6months for some fraud thing and I had no choice but to be on my own n go out again i went outside for the first time in a long time n I was terrified and lost I got help from the crisis team get moved house and got medication and counselling which I didn't like so didn't attend, the medication helped diazepam ,mertazipines and venlafaxines which i still take now but I was a shell I cried everyday and every night but I months passed and i pulled it together enough to go on short outings to the shops and such and in my new home I met my next door neighbor and he was the first person I spoke to in a while he would talk to me wen we crossed paths in the street, in the garden and eventually I agreed he could have my phone number and we talked alot and I told him about my mental health and that I didn't feel ready for a relationship but he was persistent and I felt a tinge of happiness at being wanted by a lovely guy I started a relationship with him and we took it slow and after a while he began staying over and I no longer cried at night and the feeling of security was amazing waking up with him holding me I felt safe and loved a totally different feeling than I had with my ex and I fell totally in love with him n took care of him cooked for him did anything to make him happy, my new man introduced me to his friends and I started socialising again and after 18months together I felt like a new woman I felt good, I still had my bad days but I got through them easier last few months he became moody and snappy with me which i couldnt understand then on new years day he became upset that we had no spare money only bill money etc and smashed up my home in a fit of rage and punched me in the face blamed me and walked out,I couldn't understand why my sweet boyfriend the one who tells me he loves me daily kisses me hugs me would do that,he came back today and told me the whole time we've been together he's been using class A drugs and it broke my heart. he doesn't look like a drug addict he's overweight, good looking has a good job not the stereotypical drug user but he told me his problem is now out of control and he told me he never loved me he was just using me this whole time for money and sex and that he hates me how much of a fool I am ,I'm just destroyed until a week ago I thought we were good I felt happy and loved now I can't help but think I'm so stupid and dumb ,was foolish to think a man like him would love me I always felt I was punching above my weight n he could do better but he convinced me of how much he loved me n that I was beautiful i trusted him completley I honestly can't go on anymore I tried so hard to fix myself but I find myself back in that dark place I was before and I don't have it in me to get through it again to trust anyone again so whats the point of existing, I love him so much it hurts bad I can't come to terms with his lies and deceit why did he have to do this, saddest part is I'm crying because I miss him so much and want him when I know I cant ,thank you for reading I don't expect replies I just have to share because I've never fully shared my past before
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    welcome to SF @stacy343 I am so sorry that you have had such a horrendous time and that the two men you have had in your life are both worthless scum. I totally understand missing someone even though you know they treated you badly. You can and should go on - I know it hurts and I know it is awful, but it can get better and there are good people out there. I know you didn't like counselling - sometimes we don't like talking to someone because it makes us face things we would rather not. You do need to talk to someone though to help you work through what has happened to you, build you your own self worth and understand how to avoid the assholes next time. You deserve more - you are worth more - its up to you to take the steps to give yourself more. I know it is so difficult that it seems like it is impossible, but it isn't.

    You need to remember that you were starting to pull it together BEFORE he came along. You don't need him, or any other man, to make you okay. You can be okay because you deserve to be. Please hold on - stick around and talk to us.

    Take care and stay safe,