Heartbroken

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Michael Ayin, Jun 28, 2010.

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  1. Michael Ayin

    Michael Ayin Well-Known Member

    "Someday this war's gonna end. That'd be just fine with the boys on the boat. They weren't looking for anything more than a way home. Trouble is, I'd been back there, and I knew that it just didn't exist anymore."

    --Apocalypse Now

    For the longest time I worked as an assistant chef at a gourmet restaurant. When I got laid off, everything in my world almost turned upside down. Within a matter of weeks my dad almost died. Twice. Top that off that despite unemployment insurance I was losing money, and any job offer I had was disgustingly low for my background and would not keep me afloat even financially. It was a slap in the face----all my blood, sweat and tears for fucking nothing, and my father may not live to see another decade if he does not shape up.

    I lament what has happened with my life. Near the end of 2008 nothing was perfect, but I was largely happy and felt that despite the shitty economy things eventually would turn around. I have not been really happy since the summer of 2009. Yes, I have a job, there is no pride in it and now looks to be a dead end. I had to do something. I suffered to try to get where I am and now it has not paid off. I cannot wait forever.

    A couple of you make recognize that I was going to eventually go the Army to enlist. This is not because I'm a wave-waving patriot. It's a matter of survival. The offer of a job, a place to stay for free, all benefits paid for, and PT will aid my health. I will wait until they can assure me of the right MOS and I see it in writing. I did some electrical and electronics work years ago and they ghave a couple of residential-style vocations which they train from ground up. I realize a soldier is still a soldier first, but the security of being under the contract makes me more hopeful than the risks. I'm not fucking kidding.

    I cannot handle another winter here. That may just kill me. For real. I'd rather be doing grunt construction work and sweating it out on a base rather than this "freedom" of wondering when my crappy car is going to give out, when my supervisor is going to go on a write up spree, just face endless nights of thinking that I am not going ANYWHERE with my job that has proven to be a trap of sorts. I'm not saving money because there's not anything to save. The idea of being unemployed with nowhere to turn scares the shit out of me. I've been there before I don't want that again. Sometimes it feels like I'm living out something like Jacob's Ladder or Silent Hill, if you've ever seen those films. No wonder they connect with me somehow. Sometimes, it does get that fucking dark.

    Yeah, and my father worries me. I know if I leave that I will be leaving him behind with the negative aspects. Perhaps I was meant to be here for a while before he dies. I don't like being fatalist, but SOMETHING brought me up here to spend time with him. At least I can say that the majority of it has been with being glad I am here, but he's been in pain off and on and even contracted a hideous staph infection for a time.

    The fucking sad thing is that I can't take care of him---he has complete coverage, my mom, an aunt of mine, and nurses when needed, but there's nothing I can do but be semi-stoic, supportive and wait. I would hate to think that he may pass away when I'm down south, but I can say I did spend a good deal of time with him. The trouble is that I have to make a decision and despite my loyalty to him I have to make a choice for myself. Obviously, I can keep in touch and even get unlimited calling to talk with him on down time. I do have to remind myself when he almost died the first time I was nearly three hours away and didn't know if he going to be gone once I raced up north.

    I lament that I was happy with who I was and things were going okay. I miss my father being the way he was before. I could have lived that life indefinitely---the job was my family (NEVER could say that about other jobs), my friend Jim who is gone to the East coast, possibly forever---I'm worried about him, too---apparently he and his wife have had their lives threatened by someone and he doesn't want to talk about it. What the fuck? I have no idea what is going on with that situation.

    I miss the chef I worked with, who I haven't seen in ages. Even when other loved ones had passed away, there was always SOMETHING that could make me balanced no matter what I faced. That balancing factor is out of whack.

    Perhaps, as I grow older I am looking for stability in something. Regardless of my next move, it's not here where I am at now. I need to change.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 28, 2010
  2. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    I can understand why you say you are heartbroken, several things dear to you have been hurt or threatened. You put your trust in hard work paying off and the banks royally screwed it up for people like us. I am the same, I am slaving away to get my qualifications on a wing and a prayer that the economy will be booming by the time me being a poor, penniless student is over. The places are so limited I am resorting to studying material 3 months before my second year in September to avoid being replaced.

    It is hard now, very much so. But it has to get better, not for our sake, or out of some mispalced sene of optimism, but for the rich bastards that made this happen in the first place. If we suffer, they suffer as we will no longer work at the bottom of their corrupt pyramid. In other words, they have to fix this or we abandon them.

    I hate to ask incase it brings up feelings of sadness but how did your father almost die twice? Mine has almost died of a heart attack twice now.

    I sympathise with you having to be the stoic, depandable one of the family also, it feels as though you are stranded and wish more than anything to help...it's horrible.

    When a lot of things go so badly wrong, it's understandable to feel heartbroken, but I ask you this: did you expect it all to go so wrong? probably not, in that case, for all you know it could all go so brilliantly right by tomorrow. The law of averages, it will all go right one day, for all you know it could be tomorrow.

    Please keep hope, I am here if you want to talk as I suffer from heartbreak at the moment also. The only thing keeping me here is me not knowing the future - who am I to say it won't go fantastically well?
     
  3. Michael Ayin

    Michael Ayin Well-Known Member

    Two strokes. I thought it was a heart attack when it happened because I wasn't there---I heard he was in the hospital and I drove up north to find out.
     
  4. Michael Ayin

    Michael Ayin Well-Known Member

    I had an odd feeling about it but I couldn't place my finger on it. Near the end of 2008 I was feeling remorse, like a cosmic funeral was coming up. Even the songs I listened to reflected that.

    I was in denial. I loved what I was doing and I loved most of the people I knew in the past. The screwy thing is that I thought (at least) I could find a job with similar pay. I have now, but I hate where I'm at. The idea of staying here another year will drive me insane. To me, living here feels like a defeat, and some of them (where I work) act like they are looking for reasons to target employees.

    Going into active duty isn't something I just thought up at the moment. I had considered it months ago and talked to recruiters before---this time I'm going to establish a rapport and prep myself. The thing is I do want to invest in something and my heart is not in living here or working here. Not one bit. Everyone thinks I would like the routine and predictability of military life and I can't say I disagree. I've even heard of people staying in longer not only because of eventual retirement, but because there hometowns had turned into places that seemed nothing like they left.

    Plus, the idea of losing a job either because a supervisor hates the fact I don't like them or getting laid off it's something I can't go through, either. I have no place to turn. I tried that already. A good friend of mine and I stayed together for a while and his wife went nuts near the end and threatened to divorce him if I didn't leave. My father can't support me, that's for certain.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 28, 2010
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