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Heavy, yet empty (long)

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by itsjaydee, Jan 14, 2010.

  1. itsjaydee

    itsjaydee New Member

    It's been one month today that my friend was killed in a car wreck. Tomorrow will be one month since my father killed himself. It's tears me up inside. I try to talk to people and they always think they understand, they don't. They really don't.

    I wasn't raised with my bio father. I was raised with another man. He took me in as his own. He died when I was just seven years old. That completely shattered me. My life turned upside down. I felt lost. I hoped I'd never feel that way again, but I have.

    I was 12 when i got a letter in the mail from my bio dad. He wanted to see me. It was a dream come true. I had been longing to see him my whole life. I wanted to know more. So when I was 13 I met him for the first time. He was so much fun. Such a free spirit. He beat to his own drum.

    Fast forward a bit. At 17 I got pregnant. As my son got older, he became curious as all children do. When he was one he stuck my cellphone in his diaper and basically killed it. I lost ALL numbers, including my dad's.

    Just recently in Oct. I emailed my grandmother asking for his number. I just felt I needed to talk to him. She gave it to me. I called and text. 2 weeks later he replied and so we started talking again. He asked where was the first place we met. He expressed to me how he thought I quit talking to him bc I didnt want him in my life. I told him what happened. He seemed to have understood. I then sent him a text telling him I wanted him to be in my son's life. I told him the man that raised me was gone and had been for awhile. I said my son would never know him, so I wanted to give him a chance to be there. I was forgiving him for not being there while I was growing up. I never got a reply. I didn't know why. I thought maybe bc he had no minutes on his phone...so I waited.

    The only thing I got back was a phone call for the coroner's office telling me he killed himself. I cried. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Why now? Why again? I was next of kin. I'm only 19. They didn't tell me why he did it. They only told me how and where.

    I tried emailing his mom, calling numbers in phonebooks trying to get ahold of somebody, anybody who could tell her. I was up for 3 days. I couldn't eat, nor sleep. I was dying inside. I finally found them on Facebook. I was desperate. They never knew. They had no clue. I passed over my rights bc I couldn't give him as nice of a funeral as they could. They couldn't retrieve his vehicle bc it wasn't registered in his name. UGH!

    Sometimes I regret telling them. They didn't seem very grateful. I don't think they would've gone through as much work to find me. I didn't even know them. I had only met my grandma once and never met any other relative on his side at that point. I finally met them all at his viewing. I stayed with them for a week. I asked them questions about him, but they didn't seem to know the answers. Maybe they were hiding it from me.

    I don't know. I just want so much to know if he read that last message. I feel the need to know. It's constantly on my mind. I can't seem to let it go. I need to know if he knew I was forgiving him. That I was letting go of the past. All I wanted was my dad. It's tearing me up inside, especially at night.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...you have been through so much and I am so sorry for that...forgiveness is for ourselves...to allow there to be compassion and understanding, and to fill us up with 'the good stuff'...Like you, I am hopeful he read it, but more importantly, you can be proud you wrote it...here's to much happier times and please PM me if I can be there for you...big hugs, J
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you got to meet your fathers family i never met my fathers family at all he is dead as well You did good to text him to tell him how you felt i never did. I hope you can find peace in knowing you had contact with him and his family take care.
  4. itsjaydee

    itsjaydee New Member

    Thank you both for the replies. It's hard, so hard. He grew up with an abusive father, whom I DO NOT like. He was homeless. Living in his car. That hurts. His family is so wealthy. I don't get why they didn't help. Why wouldn't they? I felt so out of place when I was there. I don't come from the "ghetto" but they're certainly much more fortunate than I.

    At my dad's viewing, his father called him "a f*@!ing wuss." This man is in a wheelchair (also almost completely blind from diabetes) still trying to control people. I had a sudden urge to push over his wheelchair with him inside and leave him there. Messed up, I know. He made me so angry though. How can you say that about your dead child, right next to his body? I had never seen him before that but it was more than enough for me.
  5. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    That is sad. Welcome to SF! :hug: