if being on earth is this bad. every waking moment feels horrible. i never thought that this would be what destroyed me. i don't function at all. because i don't care. i don't care enough to shower, feed myself, do anything that suggests that i am going to stay alive. i so desperately want my life to be over. it is so unbelievably unfair that i stay alive for my parents. i hate it when i read that suicide is a solution to a temporary problem. what if your problem isn't temporary? what if your depression and suicidal thoughts are like cancer and it slowly eats away at you? i have been on so many damn medications, in the hospital numerous times, therapist after therapist and no one/nothing can convince me that this is going to get better. so i make it through each day. and then the next day comes. and my suicidal thoughts continue day after day, month after month and year after year. i'm not really living anymore, i haven't in a long time. i feel so incredibly alone...it hurts, almost even physically. and then if i go out and do something it is like i am a bystander...one foot is on the side of life and the other is on the side of death...it sounds dramatic, but it is me at my most sincere. i just wonder when i am going to get up the courage to do what i need to do.