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Hell night...

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Antiquities Friend
So having a totally shit night and couldn't think of anywhere to turn... so back to SF. It seems like forever since I've been here... plenty of new names I don't recognize, altho some may be people who changed their's which is so fricking confusing... and I'm terrified to learn who we lost... and yet at the same time, it also feels like yesterday. I've missed so many... but I've been afraid to come back too much... but tonight has been building, and yet also came on so suddenly at the same time. A part me knows, or thinks, a big part is the meds... but it doesn't help knowing that. After being 'hooked' on these stupid pain pills for 4.5 years, and feeling like they haven't helped at all for 3+ years... I kept begging to get off of them. Why waste my money, and have the side effects from pills that don't do anything???? Finally I find a doc to listen to me... he says 'I can get you off of them'... I think yay! So he gives me a new script. Tells me I just take it for 10 days to counteract the withdrawals... well, day 1 was mildly uncomfortable, day 2 I actually didn't feel half bad... then day 3 hit like a mack truck... now I'm late into the night of the 5th day/going on the morning of the 6th day... 10 mack trucks, a few trains and a tornado... can't sleep a wink for 2 days now, I can't get comfortable... every position aches or doesn't feel right... I'm super restless yet can't DO anything, shaky, cold fevers, hot chills... and the pain... omg the pain is excruciating. Not just my legs, where the pain normally is... but my back, neck, arms, hands, head... everything just HURTS & aches & burns! And Doc told me this new pill will 'knock me out'... WRONG! I can't even sleep with double dose of sleeping pills on top of his magic pills. Feel like I'm going insane. Then to top it off... tonight, the crying started, and it won't stop... I can barely see straight and can't smell anything my nose is so clogged. After struggling this much, and feeling like screaming, I finally gave in & took my old nasty pain pill thinking 'I give up, I'll keep taking it if it will stop this'... I had to do something... although so far, that's been a couple hours and it hasn't done squat... I've only been off it for 4/5 days, it should help taking it again... but nothing... which is why I wanted to quit it because it never did seem to help anyway... so why can't I quit them??? Why do I seem to hurt worse trying to quit, even though I am in excruciating pain 24/7 anyway, even when on the stupid pain pills. Ugh!

Add to all this, my primary doc didn't feel my anxiety attacks were worth one refill... he seems to dispel them as nonsense apparently, and since I hadn't had any so long I thought maybe he was right, maybe I didn't need them anymore, that I had overcome them somehow... but now here I am, 2 nights in a row feeling like I'm having one. I have a few pills left, but they 'expired' 6 months ago... is it my imagination that they don't work because of that?? They should still do something, yet I took one last night... and nothing. Took one tonight... nothing. But the 2 sleeping pills I took have done nothing either. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in crisis as far as the big one... I am just having a super hell night and just want some peace, some sleep, some relief from pain... because I'm terrified if this keeps up for too many more nights between the pain & lack of sleep, I will be back in crisis, will be back on that brink... because the weight is getting so heavy in my mind... the pain, both physical & emotional, is getting to be unbearable again... I need a little relief... a breather to catch up again. And my main support, my mom, just had major surgery, so she has enough stress to deal with... I'm afraid if I come undone right now, it could cause her serious issues... and I can't handle that either, that would really put me over the edge. Breathing isn't cutting it, trying to sleep obviously isn't working... I just don't know what to do. I can't even just go for a fricking drive anymore, damn I miss driving so much. I have so little 'outlets', I feel so trapped... that just adds to all this.
So far this whole 'new year' has been nothing but one thing after another... I just am feeling overwhelmed and buried again... I can't breathe.
So I come here to vent... and read through things maybe... hoping to find some semblance of rationality, something that will make me understand why this feels like this again when I thought I had it under control... when I thought I buried it deep enough.
okay... enough of my rant for now... I just needed to vent some... thinking if I get it all out, it will help... maybe there is a delayed reaction... maybe...


Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend
Hey Bri, Glad to see you back around under bad circumstances yes... but still its good to see you. You can always PM me as you know.

This is Kankuro by the way... had a name change.


Well-Known Member
Not sure what you're going through or anything, but it must be tough by what i can see here! I honestly don't know what to tell you. I'm glad I'm not in that kind of pain, that's for sure. I can tell you that anytime you go off pain meds that you will be flooded with "back up". When I was in my drug class in school we learned that pain meds block 'things' that tell your mind to register pain. These things back up. So if you stop taking the medicine all of these 'things' that have collected will hit you. This is on top of the pain you would already feel without the pain meds. So it's enough to cripple anybody. I can't imagine how it must be for someone who already has pain anyway.

I wish we had a way to block pain that doesn't cause any withrawl symptoms or side effects. Medicine ain't perfect! But I don't know much about it. I'm sure there're things out there. But for those with chronic pain...

I know none of this is going to make hte pain feel any less. Sorry. But I really hope IT GETS BETTER so you can live your life!
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Owner Emeritus
Haven't had a name change, so you should recognize me. :P Always around if you need a chat, drop me a PM anytime. I'm sorry things got so bad, but it really is good to see you around and know how you're doing.


Staff Alumni
Hi Bri, welcome back although I wish it were under better circumstances...I have chronic pain as well and I know the fear that the cycle will begin again and I will be lost in no sleep and endless pain...maybe you should contact the doctor that Rx the pills and tell him/her your reaction...I am sure there are other things that can be given to you...or maybe you need to withdraw in an inpatient program if your reaction is so severe...then they could assist you both chemically and psychologically...welcome back and please continue to share how you are doing...big hugs
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