Hell no. (will trigger)

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by masteroflen, Mar 10, 2011.

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  1. masteroflen

    masteroflen New Member

    Prologue: My story covered all areas and is not necessarily suicidal so I posted it here.

    It is happening again. I have relapsed.
    I thought I was over all this. I thought I had moved on

    When I was thirteen I had self harmed, and had suicidal thoughts
    These had passed
    I am now sixteen.
    At fifteen it began. I started to despise myself for my past. I started to hate myself for what I am. I started to talk to myself at night in the second person ("fuck you - I hate you - you're a piece of shit" etc.)
    Now at sixteen this voice is a constant companion of me
    It tells me what I should have done, why people don't like me and why I am laughed at by some other people

    My school is all boys except for the sixth form, which is mixed. I have entered the sixth form at the start of this year (year 12).
    One of the new people was a girl who I shall call M. She does music tech with me. I thought nothing of her arrival and thought of her as just another class mate

    Until last thursday. I came to her in a moment of despair. At this point, life seemed pointless. It had gotten out of hand. At the end of our talk she led me out of the room and showed me her arms
    It had, like mine, linear scars along it, and - unlike mine - some burns too
    After showing me this she concluded with "...so, I know how you feel - you can talk to me about anything"

    What happened that day I do not know. Had she triggered me? This monday I sat down with a pair of scissors and just started - even in areas I had not before
    My conscience (I think that's what it is) ridiculed me for being so pathetically weak for not drawing blood

    Just today, M revealed to me fresh cuts on her arms and legs
    She claims she did it after having an argument with her parents
    but what drove her to doing this? I'm worried I may have triggered her as well
    I was too afraid to tell her I had done the exact same thing
    It is awful. I think I love her

    Today, my mind was filled with thoughts about this. I actually don't know why I am cutting
    I just do it
    I have not done it before for so long
    What has changed
    I don't know what I am anymore
    I don't trust anyone
    I'm going mad, I can tell
    Life is pointless
    It just is filled with "wait until X event, then everything will be better" all the time
    I have no will to change
    I have no will to do anything
    any attempt at telling anybody this has failed
    I don't know what to do anymore
    so I just sit and cut
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 10, 2011
  2. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member


    If you are depressed you need to go to your GP. You are young. You have so much ahead of you. You can get the help you need.

    Go to your GP and explain to them about your feelings etc. Don't worry about confidentiality. If you are over 13 they have to keep things confidential so they can't tell your parents or anything. Don't struggle through this on your own.

  3. masteroflen

    masteroflen New Member

    FUCK FUCK FUCK it's getting worse
    I cut myself again in an empty room in fucking school
    last night I gouged open a Gilette razor and hid one of the blades inside my phone
    it wouldn't stop bleeding

    last night I had the wierdest dreams and kept waking up in a sweat it was terrible
    I had asked to talk to M this morning last night and I kept dreaming that I was there talking to her
    I had five consecutive dreams with exactly the same thing
    I was walking to school and thought "wait, what I want to say is fucking insane, don't say it"
    I got there and she wasn't there but I found her and she said nothing to me
    I know why this is
    I've pushed it too far
    She doesn't want to know anymore
    it's all too much for her
    I'm thinking so many things right now
    hatred for myself for making her listen to my ramblings
    anger towards her for not saying anything
    I fucking loathe myself for not thinking that maybe she just doesn't give a fuck
    She's probably thinking to herself "SHUT THE FUCK UP IDON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT"
    I just don't know what to do
    or who to talk to
    Everyone else has done exactly the same thing
    It can't be a coincidence.
    They just don't fucking care.
    I feel like dying. Who would notice?
  4. Ice Cold

    Ice Cold Member

    Have you tried talking to trusted teachers? I find this quite useful. I also find talking to my friends bad :/
  5. masteroflen

    masteroflen New Member

    Dear God no. Talking to my teachers is the worst possible thing to do. They always get my parents and the SEN coordinator and everyone involved and then my mum cries and there's a huge circlejerk of counselling with people who I trust even less. I just feel none of them have a clue about SI. I'd much rather talk to people my own age or people who also have gone through it.
    But I feel like I'm constantly bugging them. Every day there is at least one conversation about cutting.
    I have been better these past few days
    On sunday I threw out all the razors I was hiding
    I have drawn a butterfly on my arm
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