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Well-Known Member
so dunno why im posting this, guess i need to vent

am suicidal yet again
even tough on meds
am really scared of whats next

I would have killed myself by now am just scared, no real reason to go on other than im scared as hell and terrified of failing and what level of hell ill end up in if that happens, i have zero support and people here r really sadistic so failing is not an option

I really want to end it thoguh, been in a nightmare all my life and this year got a bit of time for soul searching and made sense of a lot of stuff and really cant find a reason to go on


Staff Alumni
Maybe you should talk to the pdoc that Rx'd the meds and tell him/her what is going on...there are so many that can be provided and maybe a change in meds is indicated...so sorry you are feeling awful and I hope you know how cared for you are here...big hugs, J
I'm really sorry you're feeling so sad today. I want so much to say something inspiring to help you. I wish for you to feel better soon.
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Well-Known Member
Hi Eva,

Would you talk a bit about soul searching and how it made sense of a lot of stuff?

What I’ve found is that life experiences are for our souls to learn lessons and a lesson is repeated (through reincarnation) until it is learned. As far as I know, no soul would choose suicide. So in a way, suicide is a failure to the soul…

You know you have what it takes to live a full natural life and learn what your soul has planned for you to learn in this life time…

Our looks cannot really define us, but our mind can trick us into believing that what others think of us matters so much. The truth is that they are just ignorant/shallow thoughts with no real meaning.

What we do cannot define us, either. Again, our conditioned human mind imprisons us with judgemental thoughts or prejudices.

I don’t know if it’s possible for you to ignore your mom if you feel she simply wants to torture you. I also had a tough childhood and almost “ended” it when I was a teenager. I’m truly glad that I made it…

I encourage you to have a look at the video clip below. The guy has no arms or legs, but he loves life as he says:


May you find the strength to live!


Well-Known Member
thnaks guys for replying

and LoveBeing i really appreciate the meaningfulness in your post, it means a lot u actually took the time to read my profile

Still kinda hard to talk about my soul searching and also the realizations i made ( thro documentation and also just having to finally face reality)
My parents raised me to be individualistic and alone, told me over and over im over sensitive and dont need to be with anyone and can be very happy alone, and my looks r nothing to worry about and in the tone the whole world is wrong and they r so misunderstood, undervalued and well.......had to come to the bitter realization they r just inhumanely wrong and crazy. Guess we are all more or less skitzoaffective (my family) and i dont know how to get out , they managed to use up all greater family savings with big time pride and confidence and now am left with nothing, socially and economically , they always discouraged me tring to fit in and made it all possible it seams for me to not fit in, mostly out of crazy pride insted of understanding/accepting we all have serious issues. Needless to say no issues got fixed and now i have to deal with all of them.

I cant agree with you on the vid and looks issue. Most people just dont know what they have and anything goes thinking wise while ur in the luck area

Problem with my looks is no one could ever be attracted to me and i cant stand them cause i know some of the causes of them that r not just genetics but illness/conditions caused/agravated out of bad lifestyle/eating habits etc
And cant agree looks dont define us, found a lot of times they say more than most people realize and r a lot of times accurate to ones history.

Found it tragically funny that video is promoted , telling people to just keep at what their doing instead of putting forward the REASON of that guys impairment, ITS HUMAN MADE, thalidomide kids r a very sad result of people keeping at being stupid and careless, we really are not all the same sadly and its sad to promote lack of judgment and discernment, and i feel this vid just promotes it , and while it seams funny in the vid reality is rarely anywhere near that generous with such people , shure might be k in ur church community where everything is in people heads but how do u face bad intended people? ignore all issues? pass them around from one witty phrase to the next ?
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Well-Known Member
Hi again Eva,

Thanks for your response…

Personally, I have not tried to fit in and I’m in peace with being alone (but not necessarily lonely) most of the time…

When a thought is against me, I check and see if there is anything I can do about the situation reflected by the thought. I do what I can. Otherwise, I know that the thought is not completely true so I let it go and free myself from it…

I had lots of experiences dealing with “bad intended people” - the lesson I’ve learned is that I would not make those “bad intended people” happy by being miserable as they intended me to be. I used my energy to make myself happy by doing whatever would bring me where I want to be…

To me, ignoring certain people’s thoughts/judgements means going beyond them…

As we know, most adults completely believe in their thoughts/opinions/judgements and formed their thinking patterns along the way. I would like to encourage people to question their thoughts when the thoughts make them suffer assuming nobody wants to suffer if he/she has a choice.

I am not trying to change your thoughts or opinions about anything. I am inviting you to question them - are the thoughts absolutely true? Is there possibly another way to look at things?

With loving wishes…
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