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hello again everyone.

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hello all, its been a while since i visited this site. as you will know if you look up my previous posts yourl get a taste for the fucked up background that is my life.
iv been trying hard to do this with little to no suspport,, but somtimes,, you feel a need to reach out to someone,, this might sound off, take it as you will but i use this as a back up, when i gt really low i have stations, of where to go and who to turn to, somtimes i just need to gt it down and out there and somtimes,, well lets see how it develops.
ok,,iv started self harming again.................not as deep as i had got to before,, but give me time. <mod edit:gentlelady-methods> i dont use it to off myself,, just to find a breather,,,somewhere to focus a little,, if and when i can.
daves turned into an ostritch, inbetween me dealing with solicitors, social services, court dates whenever somthing important comes up i have to talk to him about, he causes a row and quiet often hits or beats me. i can take a beating, dont get me wrong im not moaning about that,,,i just wouldnt mind some help. hes developed this life away from the troubls,, and he now lives in it,,,, he doesnt look at the sh it hes caused,,, he dosnt see me anymore, just someone else to blame so he dosnt have to except responsability for fcuking his life up, i want to get rid of him but he doesnt take me seriously, ive askd him to leave he wont, i cant afford to just go myself and ive nowhere to go if i do. without the house,, without the stuff i need ill stand no chance of getting the kids when this craps sorted. i know the solicitors said its best if me n dave can talk,, show a united front, but i just cant, ive tried,, dave doesnt want to know, he hates me as he hates his old life and im just a part of it. hes moving on without closure and without thinking about the shit thats continuing till the trial is done and out the way. hes leaving me to deal with all the stuff, everything, absolutly everything, he refuses to aknowldge its existance. how can i move on with that,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

ive come back here, to talk to you all,,,,,,,, to tell you all,,,, to keep you all informed,,, mabey someone out there has been through this,,,, or somthing similar,, i dont know,,,,

ive come back because ive made a date.

2 months ago i got my bike licence, i proceeded then to get a cbr600f. after only 18 hours in my life on a bike i had passed my test and was riding this beast. ive become hooked on NDE's. i use my bike as a tool to get ever closer.

i dont think i can see all this through to the end,, i make dates as a refence point, a date to hit and get over,, when i get low i say to myself you can end it on,, such n such,,,, it stops me being daft in the moment,,,,and when that dates gone i make another.

i love my bike.
its inspiration-its freedom-its release-its learning material-its a gateway-its a tool-its a means to an end.

my heads a mess as you can possibly tell,,,,,,

not sure what response ill get to this if any,,,,,,
i know im crazy,, aparently i have a god complex.

i recon it depends on my mood,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, today though,,, today im just me.
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thanx viki,,,,,,, thanx deaf,,,,,,, i remember now the support i got from here helped me through some prity rough times,,,,, i hate admitting im so close again but im glad i know your all here.
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