Hello Again!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Buggsy2008, Jun 5, 2013.

  1. Buggsy2008

    Buggsy2008 Well-Known Member

    It's been a very long time since I have been on this site, from looking at my latest posts it's been a good three years since I last came on here. I may have popped on briefly but apparently haven't posted since then. I just sat here and read through all the threads I had started while I was an active member and I cannot believe how much my life has changed since then. So I thought I would post an update, I'm not sure why, no one will probably remember me any more, but three years on it may be helpful to people to see how things can change for better or for worse.

    When I was an active member back in 2009/2010 my main problems were my misery at living with my mum, and then later on things to do with the relationship I was in and problems with an ex.

    For any of you who remember me (or who read my threads after seeing this lol) my ex and I split up because of a "job offer" abroad, which I found out after was just a lie to finish the relationship in a way that was easiest for him. I haven't had any contact with him since the end of 2009 now which I am happy about, although I do know he has since got married (poor woman!). After him I had a couple of meaningless flings, just sex, to try and get over him. I was very depressed and upset as around that time my two best friends got together and were expecting a baby etc and we were arguing a lot. Christmas 2009 at my mums was awful and I ended up leaving early on Christmas day as I wanted to go home and be on my own rather than around them. For anyone who doesn't remember me my mum is the root of most of my issues.

    Things looked like they were going from bad to worse then in late July 2010 I met a guy on a dating site I used, mainly as I liked the forums they had, and we got chatting on MSN and on the phone etc, we'd talk for hours about anything, then he came down to where I lived to meet up and never left lol. He stayed at mine for three months, then my tenancy was due to run out at the YMCA so I packed up and moved 150 miles away to where he lived (had his own council flat), and three years later we're still together.

    We've had our ups and downs, and some blazing arguments that have resulted in us almost splitting up, mainly because of my temper. Some of you may remember I've been a cutter since I was about 13 and have struggled for years to stop permanently. I can happily say that since moving up here in November 2010 I have only cut once, and that was after a huge row and I wasn't thinking properly. I still have my "kit" with all my bandages and sharp things in so that if I need to cut I can do it in a controlled manner, I have upgraded from stuffing it in an old handbag and it now resides in a cash tin, which my fella has hidden from me lol. We have been engaged for two of the almost three years that we have been together, it all went really quickly I admit but if it works why wait lol.

    My mum and I get on better now but the resentment I had is still there and we have fallen out once since I have been here. My sociophobia has sadly developed into full blown agoraphobia. When I moved up here the sociophobia got worse as I was in a new area and everyone I knew was 150 miles away, so I had no reason to go out and avoided it, of course then it got to the point where I was too scared to go out. Now I only go out once every few months and then it's only to his parents for a few hours, or an appointment like the opticians or hospital that cannot be avoided. I was diagnosed as diabetic last year which hit me hard but I managed not to lose the plot. I am type 2 so if I lose weight I may get rid of it which is good, I've lost a stone ish so far :-D

    When I moved here and started getting the Agoraphobia it meant I could not go to the doctors, so I was here a while before I registered, and by then I had to ask for home visits as I could not go to them. They were fine with me having home visits, then last year I had a different doctor come out, one I had never met before, and I mentioned to him that I had gone out the week before (first time in months) to have my diabetes retinal scan, he didn't say anything at the time to me, but then the next time I tried to get a home visit he stopped the request and said that I was no longer allowed them as because i had gone to the retina scan at the hospital it meant that I was not house bound and so didn't need visits. At the time I was having severe blurred vision and was convinced I was going blind but treatment to diagnose it was delayed due to him stopping my home visits, luckily it wasn't anything serious. Since then things went back to normal, then today my diabetic nurse came out to do my annual checkup and told me that because of budget cuts they are cutting how many home visits they do and as I am not properly house bound I may not get them anymore.... despite the fact that when she turned up she hadn't actually made an appointment for me and actually said to me "oh i couldn't get hold of you on the phone so I thought I would just turn up as I know you never go out"..... see the issue here?! When she left I was in a right state, crying etc as she made me feel like I was deliberately choosing to stay indoors 24/7 (it drives me insane!). Days like today it gets harder and harder to not cut but I am doing so well I don't want to mess it all up.

    Anyway, sorry for the essay! I just had 3 years of catch up to get out lol. Mostly things are good now, I have never been happier than I am now, and although I'm not exactly doing cartwheels of joy, for me this is as good as it gets. I have a wonderful fiancee who I know loves me and who is always there for me, even when I get in one of my moods and shout and scream at him. I have a gorgeous Rottweiler who is like a substitute child for me, and I have several cats who are also like my babies lol. My fiancee's parents love me and I get on great with them, I haven't really made friends up here due to never going out but I get on ok with the neighbors so it's something. I'm even friends again with my two best mates who got together, they have two kids together now and although I have only seen them once since I moved we are getting on great right now. Hopefully it will last. I am speaking to my mum still... and my dad which is a miracle as it's rare that I am on speaking terms with both of them for some strange reason.

    The biggest struggles for me now are money issues which don't stress me out as such, trying to move to a safer area (fiancee got beat up outside our door!) and the ever present trying to have a baby. I have always felt like my purpose in life was to be a mum, I have no talents to speak of and no career etc, so the only thing left is kids. I want to have kids and raise them happy and loved like I wish I had been raised.... typical to life's sadistic sense of humor though I have PCOS which makes it almost impossible for me to get pregnant, hopefully losing the weight will help that as well. It's slow though as there's only so much exercise you can do in the living room lol. I have to make do with Just Dance 4 on my PS3! Good for a laugh if nothing else lol.

    Well, that's my epic rant over with now, it's a mix of good and bad. I just felt the need to share how much my life has changed in the last three years, for better and worse. Who knows, it may give someone who reads it hope that a bad situation can get better. When I joined this site I was regularly cutting and was considering ending it all, then people on this site helped me get things off my chest and then when I met my fella my life changed to the point I didn't need this site to help me cope any longer. I know I should have stayed an active member to help others as I was helped but at the time I didn't feel strong enough to stay on the right path and stay active on this site, I wanted to forget about that episode of my life that was so horrific during 2009/2010 before I met my fella and focus on my new life. Now though I feel a bit stronger like I could maybe be of more use to people here. Also I am still struggling daily with not cutting and although I can manage myself now I think being active here and trying to help others that need someone to talk to etc may help me keep coping as well.

    I feel bad for just leaving the site and not staying to help others but I had to do what was right for me at the time. Now I am stronger and I hope I can be of some help to others that need it. Even if it is just as someone to listen to their problems :-D
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am so glad some things have improved and you are continuing to look for ways to make better- you strength is really an inspiration.
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome back...I do remember you and you sound so much more in balance now...about being at home...maybe once a month go to a gym or such...going out is a muscle that can be built up...my dear friend struggled for 5 years and his first day out, I was on the phone with him (he is in the UK and I am in NY)...walking buddies, and he has been going out ever since...I would gladly spend the time with you that way if you think it would help...welcome back again and so glad you thought to let us know how you are...that was very kind of you
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi to you hun so glad things have turned for the better . It is frustrating for sure when professionals judge hun they have no right to do that with your home visits. Like Sadeyes said hun try to get outside even for a few minutes just to walk to corner and back small steps will lead to bigger ones hun thanks for letting us know how you are doing hugs