hello agian

well, i have decided to reavaluate my life... prayer dosnt come easy for me, but i pray for more faith and more strength.
i have met someone since i left john. i am engaged, and he wants to adopt my daughter, since john dosnt want to be her dad anymore... he is a wonderfull man who trys his best to take care of me emotionally, somthing wich i have never had before, and while things are going so perfect in my life, i feel worse than i did before. i thought i would start to heal, but i cry more, and i blame myself more, and i dont know why i blame myself because i know that there is nothing i could have done to change anthing.
i keep hoping that maby god is planning somthing for me, a reason that i feel this way, but nothing is happening that looks like a plan to me.
maby i am just being selfish, i should be happy... i quit the horrible job i was at, and i have found a wounderfull one that i love and that i am good at, and i can succeed and better myself at this buisness, and i have a woundefull fiance who treats me and my daughter better than we have ever been treated, and my family have come together in a way that we havent been for years... i should be relieved. but i'm not, i'm still sick with pain, and even more than before... i wrote poetry before my dad passed away, and i have only writen a few lines since, i have lost my insperation, not that he was my insperation, but i think he took it with him...
i just want to be happy agian and i'm afraid that i never will be...
It sounds to me as if you may still be grieving the loss of your father. I understand that loss as the first anniversary of my fathers passing is soon approaching. I have not gotten past the grief at this time and have many of the same feelings you describe. Let yourself be happy hun. I know that is easier to say than to do. Things can get better. I can't say they will or when, but I know they can. You have many good things going on in your life right now. Accept them for what they are. See what it brings. Your support system may gro tenfold and you may begin to feel better about things. About blaming yourself for what happened, you need to write down things that support you in the blame and things that disprove the fault. This is hard to do, I admit. Are you in any kind of counselling at this time? A therapist can help you deal with these issues. If you would like someone to talk with you can PM me. I will get back with you as soon as I can. Take care. :hug:

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