I have been on these forums for nearly a year yet this is my first intro. I rarely post (although I hope to change that) and I pretty much use the forum like a leech (funny thing is, thats what they call people who dont contribute to a forum). I want to help people and give support and hopefully get some support that is directed to my problems and not the problems of another person as I have been by using help and advise that are directed twords others.(if that makes any sense). I am very experianced in vbulletin and I have ran a 40k user forum myself so maybe if possible in time I could work my way up to being able to help the forum technically, and with my experiance (such as moderating and the such). But this is not the reason I am here. I really want to help you all and hopefully give advice where I can, while reciving some myself (I already have started to from my new friend Bambi who is helping me with an addiction I have). I am going to be writing a blog about my addiction and the battle to get off of it. I hope it will be like the heroin diaries but not to where I get paid. I just think maybe someone will read and it may help them or something. So alittle about me, I am 21 yo. I dont drive any more since I got my license suspended ( I had a bogus hit and run charge because I drove 150 feet to a phone to call the police within a minute of the accident) so this contributes to my depression as I am very dependent on others. I recently (a month ago) got fired from my job because my boss wanted to give my job (the only male full time position) to her friends husband. So she made up a bunch of stuff about me. luckily I got a state job coach (supplied by the bureau of vocational rehabilitation) to follow me around every day for 3 months to document how she lies saying I did not do something, when I did. So this gave my union the proof they needed to go to bat for me which they say this will turn into a paid vacation (hurray!) I live with my father, and recently my sister (whom I really dont get along with) moved in also. I am angry my father didn't consult me before he allowed her since I am on the lease also, although I would of said yes. He has so many medical problems every day i feel could be his last. I also blame myself for at least some of his medical problems. My dad had a heart attack and waited over 8 hours to get treatment for it because he had to get me to the hospital for a appendectomy. I finally got a nurse to look at him but after 8 hours of having a heart attack the damage has been done, and I was the reason he didn't get help, cause he felt he needed to take care of me. You know what? At first the pain I had in my abdomen was real...I had it for over a month and half...they couldn't find what was wrong with me, then suddenly the pain went away right before they scheduled surgery and I continued to fake the pain to get attention. I even went through with the surgery but my dad was a victim of my lying. I hate myself that he is so ill partially because of me. I used to be an assistant youth pastor. A youth pastor is like a pastor/preacher/minister who teaches only to teens. I was a part of the youth group of my church for 8-10 years. I worked my way up through the group to become part of the staff then to assistant youth pastor. I stopped going to church (the church that I went to 1-3x a week for 8-10 years) when I lost my license. This is because I used to live in the town with the church so I could always get a ride, but now I moved 20 miles away and no one lives close. So no rides for me. With me not going to church this means that my support system is non existant. When I stopped going to church I started smoking pot to compensate. I had real bad flashbacks, and feelings and anxiaty attacks. And pot was a way for me forget all my troubles. When I had a job at the hight of my pot smoking time, I was smoking a oz of really really REALLY good pot every 2 weeks. Ya i high all the time, except at work. But my job was so repetitive I could retreat into myself and pretty much sleep work (without the sleeping just not really thinking period) I was like a walking zombie. But hey as long as the work got done my boss didn't care. The friends I have are the kind that I feel I can't talk to about anything in my life. LIke they know atleast somewhat what I have been through *well a small amount of my life they know*. I feel I cant talk to them because if they knew about my life either A. They would spread it around, B. Not know what to do and just try to change the subject C. Freak out and stop hanging with me, or D. Really not know what to do and be either angry or awkward twords me. The only friends I have are ones from church. In school I was popular enough to where I would talk to everyone and no one cared. I fit in with everyone (maybe it was just my type of school?) I could talk to everyone and joke and just goof around like we were friends. But no one would ever hang out with me after school. That really hurt and I was really lonely. I am addicted to some medications (funny thing is, I took these meds as a alternative to alcohol because alcoholism runs in my family and I didnt want to get addicted. They are pain meds the kind cancer patients take. I get them free. I want to end my addiction and I cant let my father know or he will disown me. luckily Bambi (off SF) is willing to help me with this (she has experience in helping people like me). So I am quite happy to have a ray of light in my dark dark world. I am on some meds right now thats why I am typing so much. It makes me talk/type like a lot while im high. But im still very sedated. Main reason I do it is so I don't have to think about my life both past and present. I have a culinary arts certification along with a bunch of credits towards college. Sorry for talking so much but that is my introduction.