Hi. I live in Australia, have 10 kids (brady bunch since jan 08), homeschool, am a firefighter. I lost my 17 year old brother on September 11 09. He hung himself because his girlfriend was breaking up with him. Am trying so hard to come to terms with that. It has torn our family apart. We are each grieving on our own, too scared to let the monster of our grief out by leaning on each other. I have had a tough life, molested by my dad, beaten all my childhood by a strict parent, then straight into a domestic violence situation with my husband. I escaped from him with my then 5 children, went through a series of refuges for 2 years, was suicidal at times but sought help. At my lowest, I made a few attempts, and sometimes I was so comatose, my children dressed me. That was a few years ago. Sometimes I feel the dark side beckoning now, but it's only a shadow of what it once was. Not in my darkest imaginings would I ever have believed that I would where I am now. I have had men chase me for years, but it didn't matter if they were gorgeous, rich, young, they all looked the same to me. They were Men. I wasn't interested and thought there was something wrong with me, compounding how I was already feeling. Then one day, it happened. A man, who is not young, thin, rich, or even might be considered attractive by a lot of women, broke through my walls in literally 5 mins. We laugh every day. We have survived. Now, I take every day one day at a time. My little brother was pretty much perfect. We literally never had one heated moment, or anger between us in our lives. He ate only after I ate, his sister. He supported me to the max. And now, although I have 4 other brothers, I feel like the only one who loved me has gone. I am on this site to find hope. And to give it.