Hello all

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Grace88, Oct 29, 2010.

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  1. Grace88

    Grace88 Member


    I'm new to the website. It's a relief to come here and not feel so alone. I'm not sure what to write.....I'm 22, married just over a year to a wonderful husband, highly achieving (definitely a do-er), and subject to baffling mood swings. I have ups, but my lows have been getting scarier and more extreme. Anxiety comes on quick and suicidal thoughts are more common then ever. Like I said, I'll have ups, and when I'm up it's hard to remember how low the downs were, and when I'm down it's almost impossible to remember ever being up. I've been in counseling since my most recent major "down" in March and am just starting to look at medication.

    I love my husband, am back in school to get some prerequisites done so I can apply to medical school (I graduated with my undergraduate degree when I was 19 and also completed massage school since then, and now I'm back for more), want kids someday more than anything, want to do something meaningful and make a difference with my life (biomedical research? Medicine abroad?), and am terrified of failure. I wish I could make my parents happy and make their lives what they want them to be, I wish my husband didn't have to suffer from anxiety and depression, I wish I didn't have the experience/fear of letting people down all the time, and I wish I didn't have such lovely experiences of joy punctuated with intense periods of hating myself and wanting to die. Sometimes life is full of endless possibilities and sometimes I can't imagine living another moment like this.

    I'm glad that this forum is here.


  2. black orchid

    black orchid Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum Grace. Hope you find the support you are looking for here.

    Look forward to seeing you around. :)
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Grace and welcome...from your post, it is difficult to imagine you being a dissappointment to anyone...it is so troubling when things turn so dark...I know this first hand...and it seems, when our coping mechanisms are tested in this way, they often fail...please know there so many ppl who can relate to what you have said and are here to provide support and caring...please continue to let us know what is going on for you, and know that we are 'experts' at finding our faults...what are your gifts??? just a thought and with big hugs, J
  4. KatyKate

    KatyKate Antiquities Friend

    Hi Grace welcome to the forum...I can voice your feelings too...when I found the forum...it helped me through some very dark days...which I still have, but it helps to know that there are people everywhere going through the same feelings. The people on here are fantastic, very supportive and very friendly. It would be great for you to join us in the chatroom sometime, I know it can be a daunting thought but once you have made the first step, it is sometimes hard to stay away...when in the main chatroom people have a laugh and a joke...which helps ease the pain, and there are other rooms where you can have quiet times or talk openly about your distress...its a great set up, and you are always welcome to have a private chat with other members whilst in chat.
    I would like to offer that to you myself ....please feel free at anytime to contact me, I am only a quick message away.
    Hope the forum gives you the strength and companionship that it has given me.
    Love & hugs Kate xx :)
  5. dartofabaris

    dartofabaris Well-Known Member

    I absolutely agree with Kate^^; Its great you have a support system, someone you love, your aspirations are to you rationally achievable and you sound relatively passionate about it (a rare gift!). Im sorry to hear you have succumbed to a depressive state; but dont be so hard on yourself, it believe it seems rather unlikely that you will disappoint anyone close to you..dont think too much either about a myriad of problems, you will eventually become entangled and will lose yourself. One step at a time. Is your husband a good listener, perhaps you both can relate to each other?

    PM is open for business :p
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Kate, Welcome to the forums!! You know they have meds for mood swings, and possibility of irratioal thoughts.. I am on both meds and they help..I hope you make the right dicision to take meds.. You won't even know they're working until one day you notice your up moods are lasting longer..Take care!!
  7. Grace88

    Grace88 Member

    Thanks for the kinds words of welcome, everyone!

    @Stranger1- Thanks for the advice about the meds. I'm seeing a psychiatrist for the first time on Tuesday, and I've been keeping this mood journal for what will be by then almost a month (I'm really proud of it, actually....I write down my moods at least 2x per day and then I printed off a little calendar and I actually color-coordinated it with different colors for highs, depression, in-between, anxiety and suicidal thoughts, so I can potentially track any patterns over time), and I'm hoping it will help me communicate my experience to the psychiatrist so we can determine the best course of action and potential medication. I'm glad the meds are working for you!

    @dartofabaris-Thanks, yes, I'm very lucky to have a wonderful support system in my therapist and my husband. He is a wonderful listener 95% of the time (and he usually apologizes later for that 5% when he is not! Hey, neither of us are perfect, right?). What is "PM?"

    @KatyKate-Thanks for your empathy and friendship. I have been on a chatroom here and I'm sure I will return. It was very helpful (special shout out to Freya for being so welcoming! Thanks!)

    @Sadeyes-thanks for your insights, and yes, I am blessed (we all are) with many gifts. I think that during the dark times I start to believe that I do not deserve them and that those gifts, and my lack of ability to live up to what I think I should be able to do with those gifts, just propel me deeper into despair. Sometimes it feels impossible to rationalize my way out of such an irrational state. I am still trying to figure out how to claw my way out once I'm there....sooner or later I come through to the light (thank goodness), and then sooner or later I'm back in it again. Like I said, still working on it ;)

    @black orchid-thanks for the welcome! :)
  8. dartofabaris

    dartofabaris Well-Known Member

    its great to hear you understand yourself. Half the problem is resolved when we accept things the way they are without dousing our prized moments in self pity and start doing something to bail ourselves out of it. I know its hard...i too, quite often, beat myself up and feel my skills are meaningless and futile when in a depressive state..and yes impossible is the word...like i have the will of a cloud in such times. However, when i somehow and barely squeeze myself out, through humour or with a dum bell :))) or strumming N humming..i value myself more realistically and as you said...feel the light upon my face without cringing away. :)
  9. Ronny

    Ronny Banned Member

    Hi Grace :)
  10. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    Hail! :hamster:
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just want to say hi take care:pinkrose:
  12. Grace88

    Grace88 Member

    @Ronny- Thanks!

    @ Soul of a Dragon- at ease? er, I mean, Hail!

    @ violet-thanks dear :)

    @dartofabris- will of a cloud indeed! It's nice to hear that you have some methods that seem to work to bring you out of a depressive state. I'm still searching for reliable ones....sometimes homework does it, the focus really pulls me out of my emotions.....sometimes it is a welcome relief to be in my head using my intellect and out of the part of me that FEELS everything so intensely. And of course coming here, where I can be myself, the light the dark and everything, is immensely helpful.

    Thanks everyone!

    :) Grace88
  13. dartofabaris

    dartofabaris Well-Known Member

    ..couldnt agree more..when some feeling becomes too overpowering, i want myself out of my own head or be reclused in some remote intellectuality. Play a little too :hug:
  14. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    yup work always pulls me out of the darkness some take care
  15. DeepEmz

    DeepEmz Well-Known Member

    Welcome Grace,
    I joined the site yesterday, so many of your words i can relate to, if you ever want chat on PM or msn then id be more than willing. Its nice to meet people who feel the same, you then know your not alone.
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