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Hello all

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Heizenburg, Apr 1, 2012.

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  1. Heizenburg

    Heizenburg Member


    I am just signed up to this forum as I am suicidal. I had been diagnosed with psychosis and depression some months ago, and now I am just depressed with no psychotic symptoms.

    I used to think that suicide was not selfish as when your that low other people just don't exist, but now I think about suicide every day, and I know that it would be a cold and calculated selfish act, but I keep asking the question; do I really want to be here?

    The only time I wasn't suicidal was when I was psychotic, but now thats been treated by a forced hospital admission and medication, I am left with severe anxiety and depression. When I was psychotic though, I did try and kill myself shortly before being sectioned, but I was stopped by the police in an uninsured car on the way to the cliff (who cares about the law when your going to end your life...) Anyway, to cut a long story short, when I was psychotic I beleived I was the centre of all global communication and government activity, and I effectively believed I was being given messages by the DJs on BBC radio 2, and that they were trying a sideways approach to recruit me as a DJ. It all seemed so real that I would listen very carefully to every single show, even if I hated the music or show. The thing is I have a photographic memory when it comes to cars and their numberplates, and this also has something to do with a therapist I saw. It is still my belief even today that she wasn't in fact one therapist, but two or possibly even three people masquerading as one. At the time I never noticed as it's the last thing that would cross my mind, but in retrospect, there was at least two, and perhaps, just perhaps, the radio 2 stuff really did happen due to the absurdness of the situation. You see, I saw this therapist in Bristol,and when i lost my job due to psychosis, I was forced to move back to my homtown some 80 miles away. I was getting messages from radio 2 to try and help me track down this therapist, hence the uninsured car, and one night at about 12.30 in the morning I got messages to go to a certain location, whereby the DJ started talking physics about angles of reflection and angles of refraction to describe the angles of roads. Sure enough, my old therapist drove up - I froze, and then she just rolled down the hill never to be seen again. It was her. So my problem you see, is that the mental health proffessionals who dealt with me don't beleive she was two people, or the radio stuff, but I do. They said the dual therapist stuff is impossible -- Sure its improbable, but to say it not possible in my opinion is a dangerous thing to say, as it certainly is possible. All it takes is a little communication and either matching hair and makeup, or as was the case - completely random looks each time. Literally, one time her hair would be one way, and the next another, as well as completely rasndom attention to dress. Sometimes she would be scruffy with paint stains, sometimes dressed up as if she was going to the Ivy for dinner, sometimes erotic even. The thing is, one had a dark blue car, one a light blue car of the same make and model, but one was diesel and one was petrol. Theres no doubt in my mind I became ill, but there's also no doubt in my mind about the dual therapists, possibly a third much younger therapist I saw but a few times. This whole situation, together with what I thought was going on in the media took up my whole life for several months. Now I am left frustrated, and I beleive suffering post traumatic stress disorder. When I tried to kill myself it was because all these people on radio 2 watching me by satelite, and hearing me using a "roving bug - Google it" were either with me or against me, and invested so much effort into me, but nobody thought to actually tell me the truth.I thought, if they're really watching me, they can stop me on the way to my suicide. The police did though, and I was kind of releived the moment I pulled over as I knew I was going to jump if I got there as I had no petrol to make the trip back anyway.

    Now, after all this, I have a job and on the face of it I am doing OK, but inside I am angry, sad and lonely, and really think that I would be happier dead. The only thing that keeps me going is hope. If anyone has any reccomendations for me I would be most greatful.

    Thanks, and I can't give my real name as I am paranoid about internet security.
  2. Hi and welcome to the forum.. You do not need to let us know your real name.. Thanks for having some hope.. Are you currently on any medications to stabilize your condition? :hug:
  3. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    That difference, living without psychosis, must have been such a shock. The way you describe it sounds almost like someone who was addicted to stimulants now trying to cope with a life without them. Once a frantic, involved and vivid series of experiences, frightening and unhealthy though they were, turns to the dreary doldrums of sane life. I suppose in this instance, if that sounds accurate to you, it may be a start to find something; an interest, a hobby, something like that, to try to fill the void that is left. hmm.

    Welcome to SF Heizenburg. Hang in there. Be safe.
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Heizen - Hi there and very warm welcome to SF. I so resonated with your story...... I experienced psychosis a good few years ago now, but can still remember most of my thinking back then - AND what it took to get me out of it (not drugs) - but insight.
    It's something that cannot be related in a few sentences, if you would like to PM with me I can share more. I know how absolutely scary and horrible it is to feel like you're losing your mind. And the messages, from T.V etc...... did you ever see the movie "A Beautiful Mind" with Russell Crowe? When I saw that, I was in recovery, and I then finally realised what in fact had been happening, it was really helpful. Looking forward to more of your posts, there definitely IS hope and wellbeing out there for you (as well as in there :)
  5. Heizenburg

    Heizenburg Member

    Thank-you for getting back to me peeps. I am most greatful. Marathon addict - I am on Olanzipine for psychosis and Venlafaxine for depression (the most worryingly powerful drug I have ever had - Has the opposite effect to the Olanzipine in that it makes me hyper).

    I guess I joined the forum as just started a new job down in London and feeling the duldrums of reality all too much. Urprecious -- it would be good to share experiences by PM at some point. I can't imagine how another person would be affected by psychosis, as even today it still feels as though that was reality and the drugs took it away from me. Ill certainly be downloading that film you mentioned. Thanks for the pointer. Insight is the key, and I wonder if the drugs have any point at all. Being sectioned and kept from the outside world perhaps gave me a chance to gain insight (although I kept a secret radio to receive radio 2 on all night long, still beleiving the station could see me by satelite through the roof of the hospital).

    I just moved into a new flat and started a new job in London. Feels so lonely. My problem is that on the outside I appear normal, happy, confident and possibly even good looking, which is a massive negative beleive it or not, because it means people think they are the ones who don't meet my standards. Its complicated, but I feel as though I will never marry (just listened to "Will never Marry by Morrissey!), and I look on the dark side of life. Every day on the tube I look at the lines and the speed of approaching trains and wonder if they will definately kill me if I jumped in front of them, without fail. Its amazing I have made it into work for the last 3 weeks, as my biggest problem in life has always been getting up. I must cancel my alarm in my sleep half the time.

    Speak soon,

  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun welcome to SF i understand the looking so well and strong from outside but inside not so good i am glad you have hope too You can talk to us anytime here okay so you don't feel so alone hugs
  7. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

  8. Heizenburg

    Heizenburg Member

    Great Movie, even if the middle bit was in Italian!! (Serves me right for downloading it for free lol!)
  9. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    Sorry to be so late in welcoming you, Heizenburg.

    I can't say that I have ever experienced psychosis, but I do have quite a bit of experience with depression, hopelessness, and feeling lonely. I hope that you are able to find the help that you are looking for here.
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