Hello I am just signed up to this forum as I am suicidal. I had been diagnosed with psychosis and depression some months ago, and now I am just depressed with no psychotic symptoms. I used to think that suicide was not selfish as when your that low other people just don't exist, but now I think about suicide every day, and I know that it would be a cold and calculated selfish act, but I keep asking the question; do I really want to be here? The only time I wasn't suicidal was when I was psychotic, but now thats been treated by a forced hospital admission and medication, I am left with severe anxiety and depression. When I was psychotic though, I did try and kill myself shortly before being sectioned, but I was stopped by the police in an uninsured car on the way to the cliff (who cares about the law when your going to end your life...) Anyway, to cut a long story short, when I was psychotic I beleived I was the centre of all global communication and government activity, and I effectively believed I was being given messages by the DJs on BBC radio 2, and that they were trying a sideways approach to recruit me as a DJ. It all seemed so real that I would listen very carefully to every single show, even if I hated the music or show. The thing is I have a photographic memory when it comes to cars and their numberplates, and this also has something to do with a therapist I saw. It is still my belief even today that she wasn't in fact one therapist, but two or possibly even three people masquerading as one. At the time I never noticed as it's the last thing that would cross my mind, but in retrospect, there was at least two, and perhaps, just perhaps, the radio 2 stuff really did happen due to the absurdness of the situation. You see, I saw this therapist in Bristol,and when i lost my job due to psychosis, I was forced to move back to my homtown some 80 miles away. I was getting messages from radio 2 to try and help me track down this therapist, hence the uninsured car, and one night at about 12.30 in the morning I got messages to go to a certain location, whereby the DJ started talking physics about angles of reflection and angles of refraction to describe the angles of roads. Sure enough, my old therapist drove up - I froze, and then she just rolled down the hill never to be seen again. It was her. So my problem you see, is that the mental health proffessionals who dealt with me don't beleive she was two people, or the radio stuff, but I do. They said the dual therapist stuff is impossible -- Sure its improbable, but to say it not possible in my opinion is a dangerous thing to say, as it certainly is possible. All it takes is a little communication and either matching hair and makeup, or as was the case - completely random looks each time. Literally, one time her hair would be one way, and the next another, as well as completely rasndom attention to dress. Sometimes she would be scruffy with paint stains, sometimes dressed up as if she was going to the Ivy for dinner, sometimes erotic even. The thing is, one had a dark blue car, one a light blue car of the same make and model, but one was diesel and one was petrol. Theres no doubt in my mind I became ill, but there's also no doubt in my mind about the dual therapists, possibly a third much younger therapist I saw but a few times. This whole situation, together with what I thought was going on in the media took up my whole life for several months. Now I am left frustrated, and I beleive suffering post traumatic stress disorder. When I tried to kill myself it was because all these people on radio 2 watching me by satelite, and hearing me using a "roving bug - Google it" were either with me or against me, and invested so much effort into me, but nobody thought to actually tell me the truth.I thought, if they're really watching me, they can stop me on the way to my suicide. The police did though, and I was kind of releived the moment I pulled over as I knew I was going to jump if I got there as I had no petrol to make the trip back anyway. Now, after all this, I have a job and on the face of it I am doing OK, but inside I am angry, sad and lonely, and really think that I would be happier dead. The only thing that keeps me going is hope. If anyone has any reccomendations for me I would be most greatful. Thanks, and I can't give my real name as I am paranoid about internet security.