Hello, before I kill myself I just wanted to post something on this forum

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mapleman, Dec 20, 2011.

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  1. Mapleman

    Mapleman Member

    I have been having suicidal thoughts for a few months now. I believe that in the near future, I will commit suicide... but not right now. The reason why I wanted to post on this forum is because I guess I wanted closure.
    When I commit suicide, I will be sorry for my friends and family. I hope that in a few years they can forget about me. I know that my parents love me, and when I think about myself committing suicide I cry.

    I have a nasty habit of procrastinating... yesterday night I spent hours doing a project that was due tomorrow, but alas; I couldn't finish it. The next morning I asked my dad, " Can I stay home today?" and my dad got all angry and starting hitting me and got a golf club and starting swinging it around ( he didn't hit me with the golf club). I told my dad that I wanted just one day of absence to finish my project but my dad didn't understand. It was MY FAULT for not finishing the project and procrastinating. But if my dad had been more understanding, I wouldn't have felt so suicidal at that moment.

    When my dad hit me, I started crying and limped towards the kitchen, and right then I felt a strong urge to cut my wrists with the knife and just die... I think the only reason I'm not dead yet is my fear of pain..

    I really do not want to die. I want to live and be happy, but these thoughts of death are... comforting.

    1.A few months ago, when I used to live in California, I tried to xxxxxxxxxx. But when I got up on the chair and looked down the ground looked so far I got too scared and stopped.
    2.After that, I searched <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>, but I never ordered any.
    3.I've been constantly having thoughts about death for months and the urge to commit suicide today was so strong.....

    Thank you for listening, the thought of someone else reading this comforts me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 20, 2011
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I am sorry your Dad is such a problem. Can you leave home, or get help? If he is causing you injury for such a small thing then he may one day seriously hurt you.
    Procrastination can be due to low self esteem, avoiding doing something for which you feel you will be judged to avoid the possibility of failure.

    Can you talk to someone, a friend or other family member?

    Well done for posting, I hope you can do so again.
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Dear Mapleman,

    Your dad sounds so clueless and controlling that it is almost horrifying. Be kind to yourself, and I am sorry that this is happening to you. I have a problem with procrastinating as well, so I can understand where you're coming from. ((Hugs))

    People here can provide a shoulder to lean on.. and well.. I hope you will continue reaching out to us for support... because what you're going through is just awful.

  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...are you safe? That is my first concern...when we are in a situation that is abusive and we do not have control, we ponder things that will give us a sense of relief and control, thus the suicidal ideation..I was wondering if there is someone older IRL who you can get assistance from...hitting anyone, except in self defense is a sign of weakness...anyone who has to be a bully in this way is really rather small...I know that does not help at the time, but know, you deserve better...but to be honest, when I hear stories like this, I want to hit people like your father...there are many people who have experienced what you are going through...my other suggestion is to try to be better at time management and do better in school so that you will have a way to get out of your house by going to university...please let us know how you are and welcome again
  5. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Hi - I think you're in the right place. I have suicidal thoughts every day, along with homicidal and larcenous thoughts. And thoughts are ok, but we have a choice not to act on them.

    And I think you're wrong in thinking that your family and friends will forget you in a few years. Suicide leaves pain and questions that will never go away. I had an ex-brother-in-law commit suicide over 20 years ago, and I still remember and I didn't even know him that well.

    Please keep posting here. We care, and we'd like to help.Everyone abovve this post has offered good, solid advice. Stay safe.
  6. xEmmax

    xEmmax Member

    I completely know what you mean about suicidal thoughts being comforting - I think at times when you feel like you have no control over your life, it's nice to know you at least have control over your death, and it makes you think that if everything just gets to much suicide will be your way out. However, it really doesn't need to come to that. The fact that you are aware that you don't really want to die is a great thing. You say you want to be happy, and in good time you will be =] Try giving yourself a date to aim for,say 2 months - tell yourself you're going to carry on living for 2 more months and after that you can re-evaluate your situation and take it from there - that way you're not overwhelmed by the thought of being alive and miserable forever. It is so likely that within two months something positive will have happened, maybe you'll make a really amazing friend or find an exciting career idea you're driven towards or something ... Wait and see =]
    You;re dad is clearly making things difficult for you - I've got one of those myself :/ But think, you won't be living with him forever =]
    Take care x
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