Hello, I found this forum by searching for ways to commit suicide. It’s not as though this is something new to me. I’ve been searching forever. I know many ways to commit suicide. I’m just so afraid that it won’t work. Let me explain a little bit about myself. I guess that I’m really looking for some advice. I’m going to generalize most of this; in order to make it shorter. I grew up in one of the most abusive households. I was abused at the hands of my parents and family in every way possible. I was also controlled in that fashion. My parents/family did very evil things to me, and treated me horribly. I don’t have any family that cares about me. In fact, they pretend that I don’t even exist, and they abuse me if I talk to them. I live alone, and have for many years. I rely on my family for nothing. The only real family that I have left is my parents and brother. All of which aren’t nice to me, and aren’t really worth talking to. This isn’t as “snappy” as I make it sound; this was a very very long battle… I used to be a very hardcore eating disordered person. I was very underweight, and this took a severe toll on my health and organs at a young age. I still have health problems. I decided to recover; after many failed attempts throughout the years and was finally able too. Well, I suppose. Now, I’m an overweight, disgusting person with absolutely no coping mechanism. I suppose I’ve switched from being a hardcore Bulimic/Anorexic to a hardcore over eater. I’ve been sexually assaulted many times. I can’t sleep, and am in a constant state of worry. I’ll do anything to make other people happy, and please them while everything around me in my personal life falls apart, and I do too. I’ve been homeless, lived in a run down apartment, lived with nothing, and now I am living with almost nothing. I don’t have any close friends. I’ve dated nothing but abusive people, because I somehow think that I deserve it, and I’ve gotten abused by nearly all my boyfriends and friends. I’ve been in therapy, and I’ve been hospitalized, mainly during the time of my eating disorder. I was hoping that would be the one thing that killed me. I came so close. I was hospitalized several times. The last time I was in a coma, and then when I came out of it, I ended up in the psych ward. The psych ward was an absolutely horrible place, the staff was mean. They didn’t help you at all with your problems. They just stripped you of all your belongings, and I mean ALL, and left you in a room alone with one sheet. They also weren’t very friendly. I’ve overdosed before, but lived. This isn’t something new. I think about it all day, and all of the time. It’s become one of the only things that makes me smile anymore. I get a huge smile on my face when I even consider suicide or think about it. I go to sleep and dream about suicide, and finding the final way out. I have some acquaintances, mainly who live far away, a friend, and a boyfriend. Everyone knows of my past, and they know that I don’t like myself, and want to die. However, they don’t realize just how serious I am. They think that it’s just some sort of thing that I think about but would never do. They don’t know that I fantasize about it all the time, and basically would do it if they sold some magic potion that was for sure to kill me. That would never even enter their minds. I’ve tried to reach out in particular to my boyfriend, but he doesn’t seem to take me seriously. He just gives me the brush off, and tells me a few lines to placate me. I don’t go out ever, ever! I hate people seeing me. I realistically can’t take care of myself. I don’t make much money, I’m alone, things around me are falling apart, I look like hell, and I just don’t want anyone to see me. I’m absolutely embarrassed of what I have become. I used to be a fantastic scholar. Someone who had excellent grades throughout her regular school years, and into college. Someone with multiple college degrees, and certificates. I’ve done a lot to help others, and to help the world, but not myself. I used to be someone who people looked up to; all the while I suffered inside. Anyway… The only time I leave my house is to see my boyfriend, and to go to the store occasionally. I’m off work due to my health, but I’m going back. ::yawn:: I get such pain from leaving the house because of my anxiety. I would never leave if I could transport the store here. I only leave to see my boyfriend because I feel guilty if I don’t see him. It’s not like we “go out.” I normally go to his house. He still lives with his parents, in which I am somewhat jealous of. I wish that I had parents. I don’t know about living with them, at this age, but I’d love to have them. He has great friends, fantastic parents, gets to do fun things, has a good job; despite not having much academic background; actually none, has family events, and so on. Going to his house is very triggering. I wish that I had a family, friends, and all those things that he has, but I never ever will. I’m constantly going to be alone. I wish sometimes that he’d ask me to marry him. I think that would make me feel a lot better. I’ve thought long and hard about this, and as to why I feel this way, and such. I’m not just impulsively thinking this. Of course, he does not want to get married, or move out of his parents. He’s just not ready, and those thoughts would never enter his head. He’s be scared if he even found out that I truly think that stuff. I’m not that young, and he’s a year older than me. I’m in my mid twenties. Of course, I feel older with all that I have been through. I think that if I got married I’d be able to move on. I’d finally feel like I had someone who only cared about being with me, I could have someone to live with, sleep with, eat with, do things with. I’d be into a routine. We could put our money together, and it would be so much more efficient. I’d absolutely love that. Although, that will never happen. My boyfriend has an engagement ring that he was going to give a past girlfriend; when he was a lot younger. I kind of hinted around to see how he felt about marrying me, and he’s just not ready for everything. I am ready, and it’s getting very annoying. My other friend; I only really have my boyfriend and this friend. I rarely see either though. She’s married, pretty, has a nice job, great husband, and is trying to have a baby. It’s a complete joke that I am even friends with her. She’s so much more successful, and better than I am. That’s me, I guess I’d like some sort of advice or pointers, or whatever. I don’t mean suicide pointers. I mean life pointers. Sorry that was so long. I’m kind of excited that I found a forum like this. I think I’ll be able to find a lot of people whom I can relate to here, and such.