My name is Chase and I seem to be unable to find a passion or hope. I pretend Happy very well as it is part of the way I have always survived. I am a Chamelian and seem to be at my best when I am making other people happy and being whatever they need me to be, it gives me a purpose. But when I am alone which is more and more these days I am lost, aimless and scared. I have been in and out of theropy and counseling since i was 13yo and am now 43 so yeah, I have been through the fire. I know the core of my depression, that being I was molested by my uncle when i was 4yo and seem to feel worthless and never finish anything because why bother, blah blah blah. Yes I have thought of suicide many times but for what ever reason I can't seem to find the whatever to do it. so maybe i do have an ounce of hope but it is only enough to keep my head barely above water most of the time. I live in a constant state of fear that someday someone will find out what I know about myself already. I am a fraud and a cheat and a lier and completely selfish and do not trust anyone including myself. Well there you have it. That is my intro here. Not sure what I am looking for or what I expect but I figured why not. It I didn't try this nevermind, That would be against the rules some how I assume so Just know this is one more attempt at salvation , whatever that means.