Often I spend the quiet nights rummaging through the internet looking for answers. Mortality, life, easy and painless ways to kill my self etc. There are roughly 800,000,000 websites floating about in cyber space, and do you think I found the answers there? You got it. Nothing. What I did find though, were dozens of forums, like this one, with many people posting stories about their miserable lives and how they would consider committing suicide. After a while, I stopped at this one because it appealed to me for some reason. After reading a several of your posts, it struck me. Are we all here because we want to kill ourselves? That is a lot of people to die, don't you think? Like you, I have my own reasons to consider a permanent solution to a temporary problem. We are all fighting demons and dragons and hobgobblins or whatever... Often we feel like we are stuck in a room with only three walls. Each wall has a door, and behind each door is a seemingly insurmountable challenge. It may be things in your life which have not gone well and you can't see a way out of it, or sometyhing else. The fourth side of the floor has no wall. It is an edge. Far below this edge are jagged rocks. But here is the kicker. The walls are closing in, making the floor shrink ever so slowly that you can barely see it moving, but you know it is. At some point you will realise that you must make your choice. If you choose to do nothing, you will be pushed and fall on the jagged rocks. Personally, I am in this room I speak of and I have time, not much, but enough. Suicide is my fall back, my contingency plan. But suicide is not as easy as we may think. We must put a lot of thought into our plan. Put in the hard yards so everything will go just right on the day. You see, stats show that for every 25 people who attempt suicide, only 1 will get what they were looking for. It's a tough road for someone with a failed suicide on their resume. That's why you need a plan, a good plan. Having said that, nobody should ever kill themselves. It's a miserable business, only the coffin maker gets anything out of it. Over the last several years, I have talked about suicide and thought about it and learned as much as I could about it. There a things you must consider before you make a big decision. Moral obligations, physical limitations, the how's and what's and what if's about which method you choose. There are ways to make the experience less excruciating, but you have to do your homework. The study of suicide has been so interesting over the years, that in an ironic twist, I enjoyed learning about it so much that I forgot all about killing myself for a while. Distraction saved me, and it could save you. Using drugs, alcohol etc... are not the kind of distractions that will save you. If you are serious about dying, then that road will lead you there. Remember, you don't just go to sleep after a violent struggle, and wake up feeling refreshed; you die and that is the end of it. Until next time... ...keep on smilin'