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Hello Everybody

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Hello everyone, I guess I’m here for the same reason as the rest of you – I’m running out of reasons to keep living. Last night I found myself making a list of different methods for killing myself, and the pros and cons of each method. Then I made a list of reasons for and against killing myself. I came up with only four reasons to live, and 18 reasons to go through with it. That’s why I’m here today.

I was diagnosed with depression last December, and I’ve been on antidepressants ever since. I’m on my third different prescription for antidepressants, and the constant adjustments to new prescriptions and different dosages have been causing me to miss a lot of work. I’m usually considered to be extremely reliable at work, but I feel even that slipping away.

I’m currently seeing a medical doctor as well as a psychologist. Some days are okay, and other days I’m ecstatic to be alive; and then there are other days when I just don’t see the point of going on. It’s the bad days that have become the norm.

My depression is caused by a number of things and I can trace it back as far as the age of 11. During the last three years everything has been building up and getting worse. My best friend of 15 years died in May of 2009 after battling liver cancer. I’ve tried to make new friends and find new activities, but the few moments of joy that they bring me never last long.

I attempted a romantic relationship last year, but like all my other past attempts at relationships with women it ended with my being rejected and crushed yet again. I’ve made positive changes in my life like quitting smoking back in October of ’09, and today is my 54th consecutive day without alcohol. Last year I started eating right and working out, and I lost 30 lbs. I have so many reasons to feel good about myself, but I don’t.

I’m alone. My closest friends all live in other states, so I have no friends to sit and talk to face to face. I’ve tried online dating, but it seems like all the women on those sites are only interested in sitting in front of their computers all day chatting. I can’t even get them to meet me for a cup of coffee somewhere and just talk. Everyone keeps telling me “There’s somebody out there for everyone!” But isn’t it funny how the only people who say that are the people that already have somebody?

I try to explain things to people, but it’s frustrating because there’s so much to explain and it takes so long to keep explaining it to one person at a time. I don’t even answer my phone anymore because my relatives won’t leave me alone. I know they’re worried about me, but I can’t seem to make them understand that I’m doing what I need to do to get better, and that I need time alone to deal with it. I know they want to help, but I can’t keep myself from shutting them out.

I’m 50 years old and I’ve never been married or had kids. I’m old and alone and I don’t want to die that way. I know my depression and low self-esteem are a turn off to women. I know that my happiness can only come from within me, but it just isn’t there, and everything I try to do to make things better just doesn’t work. I feel ugly and undesirable, and I know I’ll never be happy because I’ll always be alone.

I could continue babbling on, but that doesn’t make me feel any better either.

I hope the rest of you are doing better.


total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Hi you welcome to SF I am glad to see you do have psychologist to help you thru the dark times. You can voice here as lot so us will understand and care hugs to you
i know how you feel. i am 53 and i am still alone. i have tried every tablet on record. feel very alone. almost an outcast,
i am a very outgoin person, with lots of hobbies and interests,
but here am i still alone.
like yourself,tried dating sites. but here i am still alone.
i have just finished 3 years at art college. i was alone there too.
i feel trapped, inside something i cant explain,
i read a lot to forget. i have 6 books i am reading at the moment.
i read to immerse myself in knowledge.
i love music and play guitar.
i have been on anti depressants for 12 years now..
i see no end....and have thoughts every day how to end it all.
i wish i could feel differently.
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