Hello everybody

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by gdj11, Oct 12, 2012.

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  1. gdj11

    gdj11 New Member

    Well, I haven't considered posting on something like this before, but I figured I'd give it a go. I'll just talk about some of my problems in no particular order.

    I've stuttered since I was about 8 years old and it's only progressed over the years. I've done years of therapy to no avail. It's gotten so bad that I'd rather not talk at all. I'm a very social person naturally so having this handicap makes socializing very difficult.

    My mom left when I was very young, about the same time I started stuttering. It's hard for a kid to have his mother call and say how much she misses you, yet won't move back to the city you live in. Because of this relationships are extremely hard for me. I don't just want a woman in my life, I need a woman in my life. Once I have one I go through episodes of strong insecurity and jealously. I know she doesn't like me, I know they want someone else instead of me, and I know they will leave me. Even when I just meet a girl I like, if I send her a text message I'm checking my phone every minute until I get a response, which sometimes isn't for a day or two. It consumes me. I try to calm myself down, but it's hard. I try to control how much I communicate with them, but I always end up trying to hang out too much or move too fast and they lose interest.

    I remember when I was young, after my mom had left, I was at a friend's birthday party. They had a piñata. After the piñata broke we all ran over to grab the candy. I pretended to grab at the candy but purposely didn't take any. After, I went to my friend's mom crying and said I couldn't get any candy. I just wanted the feeling of a woman feeling sorry for me.

    When I was young I lived by a river and I'd always play in the woods. I'd be bitten by ticks often, and as a result I contracted Lyme disease. It causes memory issues, arthritis, dementia, and quite a few other complications. Lyme disease basically affects whatever the hell it wants, so it's effects are numerous. I went through 8 months of antibiotic therapy and in the end I developed a resistance and the entire thing was for nothing. They wanted me to try again with different antibiotics, but I didn't want to go through that again, so I decided to just live with it. Thankfully it's not so bad that I can't function like some people with Lyme disease, but it's still not easy to deal with.

    Now I'm going to get real personal… I suffer from premature ejaculation. I don't mean 1 minute, I mean 5 seconds. No matter how many times I have sex, it's the same. The girls I've been with say they don't mind, but I can see they do. I've tried Kegal exercises, numbing gel, numbing condoms, and various techniques, none of which worked. The only way I can have sex for a decent amount of time (at least for me) is to be drunk.

    I'm a handsome guy and oddly enough that leads to problems as well. Many people think if they were good looking all their problems would be solved. People assume I'm normal; that I have experience with conversation, flirting, and just being a normal good looking guy. You should see how quickly the mood changes when I break into stuttering with a girl who approaches me looking to flirt. People are usually sympathetic about it, but it's still not a good feeling when the dynamics of a casual encounter change so drastically due to an unapparent disability. I didn't have a real conversation until I was 18 years old. It consisted of someone saying they were in school, I asked where, and they replied. I know it's hard to believe, but that was a big milestone in my life.

    I decided to kill myself a while ago. About a year and a half ago. I've had suicidal thoughts my entire life, but a year and a half ago I realized that I could do it. Because of that I figured I had two options: kill myself or completely change my life. I've always felt alone. I'm sure people can relate that when I'm in a crowd of friends I'm still lonely. Leaving my family, friends, job, and everything else is no problem for me. Even when I miss people I don't want to see them. I moved to Asia because I've always wanted to. I've been here for a little over a year. At first it was great. I was happy, I was partying, and just enjoying life. I like having Asian friends who only speak a little English because I can talk very simply, which usually means I won't stutter. After living here for a while, real life kicked in and I felt my depression creeping back. Then I got a girlfriend. Many that wasn't a good idea, but I want nothing more then to have a good relationship. With a relationship came the jealously and the constant need for attention. Last night I basically sabotaged the entire relationship. I like to feel sad. It's comforting. It seems like sometimes I purposely sabotage my relationship so I can feel sad.

    Sometimes if I'm having a bad day I just stop in my tracks. I feel tired. Taking one more step means I'm continuing with life. I don't want to move a muscle. I don't like to eat if I'm feeling bad. Why would I feed this jealous, diseased, fucked up person?

    I'm not sure yet how I would do it if I did. , but from what I've read that'll only make you sick. Whatever I would do, I don't want it to hurt. I like myself. I'm a good guy who's had a series of unfortunately events early in life that affect everything. I live on a small island I wouldn't be pleasant, but it would be relatively quick. I can't hold my breath for very long. Last night was the closest to killing myself I've come since moving to Asia. I don't suppose I'll get much help

    Sorry about my train of thought rambling. It's hard to put this all together.

    So, there's a lot of shit wrong with me. Unfortunately everything that's wrong with me makes living really hard. I've seen all the templated responses to people seeking help with suicidal urges and they do nothing for me. I'm a logical person. When my Lyme disease isn't bad I'm pretty smart too. Maybe it would help if I just heard from some other people who also have numerous health and mental issues and how they've dealt with them. As I said, I'm logical, and with all my issues I can't find a good reason for continuing.
  2. liamthomas

    liamthomas Member

    I am glad you came here gdj, I just joined because I needed to deal with the pain and hopelessness that you are also feeling. You sound well adjusted despite your troubles. I have always had issues with depression in my youth, and some how for two decades I was clear, happy, had fun and found a great wife. Here I am almost 50 and the darkness has crept back. I know these feels can be defeated I just am lost on how to do it this go around. Taking large daily doses of vitamin B, quit drinking, and eating only whole foods has always helped. The biggest thing that helped me in my youth was moving to a new town away from bad influences.

    I could be wrong but it seems you are accepted among your peers, you are just having trouble accepting yourself even though you know you have admiral qualities mixed with your troubles, I know in the past that acceptance was my biggest difficulty. Focus on your strengths and if you can eliminate the situations that bring you down. I know I can make it you can too, I am just lost and can't get away from my troubles. I hope you find your way, you deserve great days and happiness, so give yourself a chance to let it happen.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I just wanted to say hi, and welcome to the site! I really hope you find some help and support here. I was going to ask if you've gotten any therapy for the depression, but I realize that might not be as easy as it sounds since you live in an area where English probably isn't the primary language.
  4. gdj11

    gdj11 New Member

    Thank you for your message. For a second I almost got choked up just knowing that you genuinely know how I feel and want to help. It's amazing that you overcame your depression and for 20 years had a good life. I really, really hope I can do the same. If you don't mind me asking, what exactly are the problems you have right now? If you did it for 20 years there's got to be a way to overcome depression again. Maybe taking a vacation out to Asia would help clear your mind? :D

    Yes, I'm accepted among my peers. I'm pretty easy to get along with, because I don't have much of an ego and I like to listen. I live in Thailand, and although there are a few cultural things here I don't agree with at all (on a moral level) there are many ways of thinking that I think are absolutely amazing. One of those is having a good heart. In Thailand, having a good heart is one of the most respected qualities a person can have. In Thai it's "jai dee" (translates directly to "heart good"). If someone says you are "jai dee" that is a big compliment. People don't say it unless they mean it. Many times my girlfriend has been talking to her friends when we've had troubles, and they remind her that I have a good heart and she should stay with me. In America, the saying "nice guys finish last" is more or less true. Here, if you are a good person you'll do well. Friends were a problem in America for me. I was lonely quite often and I thought that was a big part of my depression. Now I have plenty of good friends, yet the depression still keeps coming back. I've realized my depression and suicidal thoughts are all rooted in needing a woman.

    I'm actually in an OK mood right now. Every time me and my girlfriend have a big argument and then make up, I'm in a good mood for about 2 days. Then everything comes back. Last night she wanted to break up, but I asked her for another chance. The last chance. If it doesn't work this time I don't want to keep bringing her down. I hate seeing her sad when I'm mad at her. Granted, I know it's not only my fault. She's done things that aren't good, and so have I, but I realized all of the problems we've had could have been nipped in the bud by me. Someone has to be the strong person and I want to be the one. Even if she does something wrong, I don't need to bring it to the level of jealously. I don't need to raise suspicion. The night we had that argument, all I could think about was killing myself. I felt so hurt, but looking back she tried to make it better that night but I was too busy looking at suicide methods on my iPhone. More than once I've accused her of wanting guys besides me, and I've been wrong all of the time. It's just hard to give her the benefit of the doubt when you have some made-up scenario in your mind. The emotions are as real as if it actually happened.

    Last night I bought an ebook about overcoming jealously in a relationship. I've never considered a self-help book before. I'm actually excited about trying it out, which is good because wanting to change is the only way I'll be able to. The emotions and reactions they describe are familiar and there's plenty of tips for when these emotions do hit you. I just hope I can get some good advice before my next "episode" kicks in. I need to get all of my "self therapy" in action now while I feel OK. When I'm in a bad mood I don't feel like doing a thing.
  5. gdj11

    gdj11 New Member

    Thanks Alison. When I lived in America I did see a therapist for a little while. When I talk about emotions with other people there's usually a wall I put up and nobody, not even myself, can get through. I can still be friendly and chat and joke and everything, but I feel nothing in terms of the emotions I have the most trouble with. At the end of a few months, she said I was fine. We even brought my mom in so we could see if I could get any emotions out. We ended up just having a good time chatting and everyone assumed I was fine. I guess I should say why i decided to go to therapy. One time I was talking to my aunt about my mom leaving when I was young. All of a sudden what felt like a geyser of emotion rushed out of me. As soon as I felt it, it was gone and I was numb. If it hadn't stopped I would have burst into tears and I guess had a breakdown. It was so strong, like nothing I've felt before. I knew then I had some strong emotions tucked away and I wanted to get them out. That's why i decided to see a therapist.
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