Well, I haven't considered posting on something like this before, but I figured I'd give it a go. I'll just talk about some of my problems in no particular order. I've stuttered since I was about 8 years old and it's only progressed over the years. I've done years of therapy to no avail. It's gotten so bad that I'd rather not talk at all. I'm a very social person naturally so having this handicap makes socializing very difficult. My mom left when I was very young, about the same time I started stuttering. It's hard for a kid to have his mother call and say how much she misses you, yet won't move back to the city you live in. Because of this relationships are extremely hard for me. I don't just want a woman in my life, I need a woman in my life. Once I have one I go through episodes of strong insecurity and jealously. I know she doesn't like me, I know they want someone else instead of me, and I know they will leave me. Even when I just meet a girl I like, if I send her a text message I'm checking my phone every minute until I get a response, which sometimes isn't for a day or two. It consumes me. I try to calm myself down, but it's hard. I try to control how much I communicate with them, but I always end up trying to hang out too much or move too fast and they lose interest. I remember when I was young, after my mom had left, I was at a friend's birthday party. They had a piñata. After the piñata broke we all ran over to grab the candy. I pretended to grab at the candy but purposely didn't take any. After, I went to my friend's mom crying and said I couldn't get any candy. I just wanted the feeling of a woman feeling sorry for me. When I was young I lived by a river and I'd always play in the woods. I'd be bitten by ticks often, and as a result I contracted Lyme disease. It causes memory issues, arthritis, dementia, and quite a few other complications. Lyme disease basically affects whatever the hell it wants, so it's effects are numerous. I went through 8 months of antibiotic therapy and in the end I developed a resistance and the entire thing was for nothing. They wanted me to try again with different antibiotics, but I didn't want to go through that again, so I decided to just live with it. Thankfully it's not so bad that I can't function like some people with Lyme disease, but it's still not easy to deal with. Now I'm going to get real personal… I suffer from premature ejaculation. I don't mean 1 minute, I mean 5 seconds. No matter how many times I have sex, it's the same. The girls I've been with say they don't mind, but I can see they do. I've tried Kegal exercises, numbing gel, numbing condoms, and various techniques, none of which worked. The only way I can have sex for a decent amount of time (at least for me) is to be drunk. I'm a handsome guy and oddly enough that leads to problems as well. Many people think if they were good looking all their problems would be solved. People assume I'm normal; that I have experience with conversation, flirting, and just being a normal good looking guy. You should see how quickly the mood changes when I break into stuttering with a girl who approaches me looking to flirt. People are usually sympathetic about it, but it's still not a good feeling when the dynamics of a casual encounter change so drastically due to an unapparent disability. I didn't have a real conversation until I was 18 years old. It consisted of someone saying they were in school, I asked where, and they replied. I know it's hard to believe, but that was a big milestone in my life. I decided to kill myself a while ago. About a year and a half ago. I've had suicidal thoughts my entire life, but a year and a half ago I realized that I could do it. Because of that I figured I had two options: kill myself or completely change my life. I've always felt alone. I'm sure people can relate that when I'm in a crowd of friends I'm still lonely. Leaving my family, friends, job, and everything else is no problem for me. Even when I miss people I don't want to see them. I moved to Asia because I've always wanted to. I've been here for a little over a year. At first it was great. I was happy, I was partying, and just enjoying life. I like having Asian friends who only speak a little English because I can talk very simply, which usually means I won't stutter. After living here for a while, real life kicked in and I felt my depression creeping back. Then I got a girlfriend. Many that wasn't a good idea, but I want nothing more then to have a good relationship. With a relationship came the jealously and the constant need for attention. Last night I basically sabotaged the entire relationship. I like to feel sad. It's comforting. It seems like sometimes I purposely sabotage my relationship so I can feel sad. Sometimes if I'm having a bad day I just stop in my tracks. I feel tired. Taking one more step means I'm continuing with life. I don't want to move a muscle. I don't like to eat if I'm feeling bad. Why would I feed this jealous, diseased, fucked up person? I'm not sure yet how I would do it if I did. , but from what I've read that'll only make you sick. Whatever I would do, I don't want it to hurt. I like myself. I'm a good guy who's had a series of unfortunately events early in life that affect everything. I live on a small island I wouldn't be pleasant, but it would be relatively quick. I can't hold my breath for very long. Last night was the closest to killing myself I've come since moving to Asia. I don't suppose I'll get much help Sorry about my train of thought rambling. It's hard to put this all together. So, there's a lot of shit wrong with me. Unfortunately everything that's wrong with me makes living really hard. I've seen all the templated responses to people seeking help with suicidal urges and they do nothing for me. I'm a logical person. When my Lyme disease isn't bad I'm pretty smart too. Maybe it would help if I just heard from some other people who also have numerous health and mental issues and how they've dealt with them. As I said, I'm logical, and with all my issues I can't find a good reason for continuing.