Hello everyone. Can we help each other?

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by DaveSP, Oct 1, 2016.

  1. DaveSP

    DaveSP Member

    Hi everybody

    I guess we're all here for the same reason, but I hope everyone is ok. Better than me, anyway.

    I've had suicidal thoughts since I was 13. I'm now 34 and really at possibly the lowest point of my life. I've been lying to myself and my friends for so long I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel useless, pathetic and worthless but there is a tiny, tiny spark of hope left in me.

    I have nobody to talk to. I don't know what to do. I want to die - but I also don't. I don't know if that's for me or for other people. I'm surrounded by people but I am so alone and scared.

    Ironically I've always been a counsellor to my friends - a good one, too - but they don't seem to be able to return the favour. The few times I've mentioned my suicidal thoughts they either don't believe me, outright dismiss me or accuse me of being selfish. My 4th long term relationship has just ended. My dad is a hard-core Catholic. I have nobody to turn to, and that's not an exaggeration. I'm alone with my demons - they're too scary for anyone else to contemplate. I'm really at my wits end.

    I need help. But I also can help. Ironically my best friend committed suicide on April 1st 2015 (April fools!) and I've since been fundraising for suicide charities since. But I'm so low. And so alone. I don't know if I have the strength to carry on, but despite the pain and the crying and the isolation and the crippling anxiety attacks I still cant reconcile myself.

    If anyone can at least offer me a few words of comfort I can certainly do the same. Never underestimate the kindness of strangers - especially if your loved ones are unable to understand.

    SunShine1973 likes this.
  2. Brittless

    Brittless All I loved I loved alone...

    Welcome to the site. Maybe you can build on that spark of hope. Find strength in it. Find strength to carry on. I think you probably know the general reasons to keep on living. I'm sure you've encountered them at these fundraising charities, but since it is not that easy I hope you can find some purpose to live for. From what I can tell you are a generous, caring person with much compassion to offer to the world.

    I see that you've been suicidal for quite awhile and hope that you have sought professional help? That's not an insult, just something we need sometimes. Need to survive. To move forward. Isolation itself can be very triggering for suicidal thoughts. Have you ever thought about physically volunteering somewhere?

    There's my 2 or 5 cents. Take care and stay safe.
  3. DaveSP

    DaveSP Member

    I used up all of my energy writing that. Thank you for your kind words. I've sought every variety of professional help available and I'm right back where I started. Thank youagain for your time x
    Brittless likes this.
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Welcome to SF, I am glad you found us.

    Many that have longtime experience with depression have learned to listen to others and recognize the signs- so they become the sounding board for all around them. Unfortunately, those around them have little experience dealing with it, have not been awake countless nights pondering things and trying to figure out why things feel like they do. That means when you look to them for support they simply do not know what to say. It is not from not caring in my opinion- simply they have not dealt with the thoughts for years (or in some case dealt with them and put them behind them and are wise enough to refuse to allow themselves to be pulled back in that direction) but whatever the reason they are incapable of providing the support you may provide or need and it is not their fault (nor even their job as a friend tbh).

    Peer support like here is a good place to be able to talk to people that understand and don't judge, and that are likely able to deal with the issues without alienating because they have long time experience dealing with depression. It makes a good supplement to regular friends, and a good supplement to professional help which usually means 1 a week at most , typically 1x a month is more common - so peer support fills gaps for many. It will not replace professional help though so having tried every type in the past does not mean that it is not worth continuing to work with professionals- point being you say are now lowest point ever - so maybe that help did more in the past than you thought - even if it did not make it all "better".

    I hope you are able to find some people to talk to here and that it does help you feel better . Everybody deserves better.
  5. graceandpeace35

    graceandpeace35 New Member

    Dear Dave,
    I just want to tell you I am so sorry that you are feeling so down. Life can be so hard and so confusing. There was a time when I felt that way too- I even tried to commit suicide at 21 years of age. But by God's grace I was saved from death. And later at the age of 24 I was saved- God made me His own daughter, and He has been the answer to all my pain, fear and all the mess; the hell I was creating for myself. I was truly enslaved to sin and to self destruction. I was a raging alcoholic and I got myself into near death situations frequently! I didn't know how to be safe, most likely because of abuse I experienced at a young age. I tell you this to tell you that there IS HOPE. I know you said your dad is a hard core Catholic and that he doesn't understand. I was raised Catholic as well and I did not know God, I did not know Jesus. I did not know that Jesus loved me or that He truly would forgive my sins, if I just came to Him. I did not understand that there is hope. I didnt have hope, in fact, I believed I was far too gone to have any chance with God. But the Lord Jesus pursued me. He wouldn't stop. He wanted me to be forgiven and to be His. He wanted me to be safe. And I am now. And its not because of anything good I did, or earned or could have done. All I did was ask Him to forgive me and committed my life to Him. He is real. And He loves you. I want you to have hope too. I am not offering you religion but a relationship with the one true God. And I just suggest, even if you want to throw your computer after reading all this, consider giving it a try. Try reading the book of John. Trying reading the gospels. Read through the Psalms. See that all people suffer and all people question. Ask God to show Himself to you. And tell Him you are seeking. He says- all who come to Him, in truth, He will not cast out. There is nothing you have ever done that is bad enough not to forgive. I once was an addict, a liar and a thief. And by Gods grace I have been sober for 11 years and able to have real relationships and live in truth. And God has healed so much of my brokenness where no person or counselor ever could . If you want to talk again you can private message me. I pray that you find hope Dave. May God bless you. He is pursuing you!!:
    For God so loved the world He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him, shall not perish, but have eternal life. John 3:16
    DaveSP likes this.
  6. JustCan'tQuit

    JustCan'tQuit Well-Known Member

    Hello, Dave,

    Like you, I've supported many people and have often failed to find the support I long for in return. The truth is, people who haven't experienced the really tough things in life can't help. They may care, but they don't understand traumatic life events (or states) and they don't how to make things better. (Professional counsellors have occasionally helped, but it's hit and miss with them.)

    You've struggled on and off for a long time, I see, and the loss of this relationship has probably been gutting. Grief is natural here, and so is fear for your future. But you've come through other difficult times before, and I dare say you will make it through this time as well.

    It's good that you see you have a spark of hope still burning. Very clearly you do, or you wouldn't be finding it so meaningful to help others and to fundraise after your friend's passing.

    You say you aren't sure who you are anymore, and maybe that's a clue to both the relationship issues and your own healing. If you live behind walls all the time--shutting people out, never letting them see the real you--then you're likely to feel afraid of other people and to be guarded in your interactions. It's normal. But it will weaken your relationships, including the one with yourself. So, first, what about learning to be a tiny bit less guarded with yourself? Try jotting notes in a journal, or draw if you prefer. Don't focus just on the bad stuff. Think about what has had meaning for you over the years, what has made you feel better, what has inspired you, who has inspired you. What do you value? What are your dreams? If you haven't any at this moment, what were they before? If they don't fit your life today, can they be updated? Get to know yourself again.

    Don't be so frightened of your "demons." They're just thoughts, after all. Even if they're flashbacks to traumatic experiences (which I often have), they're still only thoughts. Whatever awful things may have happened to you, remember: they don't make you worth any less. You're just someone who has gone through some tough experiences, like so many of us. Those painful thoughts and feelings that you're having will change and shift in time, just as everything in life changes and shifts. If you watch closely, you will see that the intensity of your distress rises and falls even over the course of a few days. The pain doesn't stay steady. There's hope in that.

    I imagine you feel you'll never be happy again without this person--or that you'll always be alone. But those are just thoughts, too. The reality is, if you can form four long-term relationships, you're doing better than a lot of people (me for one, haha). You've got something going for you. I'm alone right now and have been for a while. The interesting thing is, I've found some genuine contentment this time. One thing that helped was a comment I stumbled across about how it's sometimes better to be a whole person in your own right than to be half of a couple. That was a huge reorientation for me, and it gave me an infusion of strength. I'd always thought of being in a couple as the only way of being "whole" and of proving to the world that I was lovable. Surprisingly, I'm much more at peace now, single, than I've ever been before.

    I still have my struggles--I've just arrived here at the end of two brutal weeks that have been bringing lots of fear and bad memories back--but it helps me to realize I'm not the only person suffering. It's part of the human condition, I think, not a sign that the universe picked us out specially to be life's "failures." We can't be. It's just a perception, and it comes from the fact that most of us guard our private selves.

    I've always struggled to show kindness and compassion to myself, because my family of origin was completely overwhelmed and no one had the time or skill to give me much emotional support. (They did find time for their fair share of emotional abuse, but it was mostly given in ignorance of a better way of doing things.) Perhaps you have as much trouble showing compassion to yourself as I do, and if so, it's easy to fall into the trap of believing yourself a failure and a loser when you are simply suffering. That's how I often feel, at any rate. Despair follows quickly on such lines of thinking.

    But I guessed right tonight. Expressing my compassion for you has helped me feel a good deal better myself. Your own honesty helped me, and your kind words--there in your message despite your own distress--comforted me even more. Thank you.

    I hope that things are soon better for you. There's a great deal you can still do with your life, if you put aside the fear that you're too broken to be worth fighting for. I see someone who is very much worth saving.

    My warmest regards.
    DaveSP likes this.
  7. DaveSP

    DaveSP Member

    Thank you. 'Never underestimate the kindness of strangers' really does ring true. Thank you x

  8. DaveSP

    DaveSP Member

    Thank you so much xxx

  9. Lnlyhart7

    Lnlyhart7 Member

    Hi all, I'm new to the forum. I've been reading quite a few stories around the site & find a piece of myself in quite a few of them. I really don't know where to start about myself, except that I'm in a lot of emotional pain right now. I'll go back in my life just a little bit. I have respiratory health issues...namely asthma/bronchitis. And anyone who has or know someone who has it, know that it's nothing to play with, especially when you get sick. Before this last episode I'm coming out of the woods from now, I was so very sick last year around this time because in addition to the normal cold, I also had an upper respiratory infection. I literally suffered through that time so very bad, that I thought I was going to die. I told/asked the Lord, if this is what death feels like, PLEASE take me NOW(at that time). I had soaked up my sheets from sweating(cold &hot) every night while trying to sleep, Pain throughout my whole body, low to no energy, I didn't even have energy to do anything to my hair. I had soooo much laundry to do at the end when it was over with, I had to have a neighbor in my bldg help me because I was still weak. No matter how much I tried to speak positive affirmations to & over myself each day, depression & loneliness always found a way to set in & I would cry all the time. This time around wasn't as bad, but was bad enough to make me feel the way I did before. I have a full time job. But don't have any close friends that I can "ultimately" confide in about how I really feel. I keep to myself because of how people are in the world these days. And because of my illness, I'm now on S.T.D from my job and have to go through a bunch of paperwork/doctor's release/red tape just to go back to work. The whole process is miserable and I'm so tired of looking at the 4 walls in my apartment. I do get out & take care of errands or what not, but can't help the feeling of feeling alone & lonely, even while around other people Depression is not new to me. I guess as I'm on here more and get a lil more comfortable, I'll open up a bit more.