Hello everyone. My name is Tim and I feel totally useless

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Tim72, Oct 2, 2015.

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  1. Tim72

    Tim72 Member

    Hi, most people on this forum are astute enough to work out my name is Tim and I am 43. I have suffered from depression and anxiety and PTSD for most of my adult life. I also did palliative care at home for my father who passed away from cancer in 05 aged 57. He died angry at the world as he had worked hard all of his' life and was just starting to enjoy the rewards of early retirement. I used to have a successful career but as time as progressed, I have not been able to hold down a regular job.

    The one thing that I had going was a beautiful wife who loved me dearly. There was nothing that she would not do to try and help me hook into life again.

    Last month, she amicably ended 18 years of marriage which I do not blame her one bit for because I was so caught up in my own sadness that I did not return the love she gave. I am not an illicit drug user or a drinker but I am addicted to prescription medication-such as anti-anxiety meds. Several times I overdosed on these meds and I can only just imagine the worry and heartache that I caused her.

    The old saying "that you don't know what you have until it is gone" rings true and I feel guilty, ashamed and worthless all at the same time.

    I am very fortunate that she is still talking to me as we go through the painful process of selling the house. I am staying with my mother at the moment and she has no trouble reminding me that I pushed my wife away. I have politely told her that her comments do not help the situation and I finally told her last night that I have been contemplating suicide. I was not using it as emotional blackmail but felt that I needed to tell her that she was pushing me into dangerous territory.

    Thanks for reading my introduction. I am sure that there are plenty of other people who have been through worse stuff than I have and I feel for you. I just wish this sick feeling of guilt would go away.....
     
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Welcome Tim.

    Having nursed my dad through cancer I know how hard that is and how empty you feel when they finally die.
    At the end I felt I just hadn't done enough to ease his passing and then the guilt starts.
    So sorry that everything has ended between you and your wife, but good that you are still amicable and can talk to each other.
    It's good that you were honest with your mother, sniping at you and reminding you of your (in her eyes) short comings do no one any good.
    People split up for many reasons and it is rarely all down to one partner.

    Guilt is a horrible feeling to be stuck with and actually counterproductive.
    Time to chuck it out, consider the things that were good and give yourself time to grieve over both your father's passing and the end of your marriage.
    There is life after endings, but you need the time to get past the pain of loss.

    Many people here will empathise with your situation, having been in similar circumstances.
    You will find a friendly ear here.
     
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