i am new here and i have just about decided it is time to start a new chapter of my existence. im a 34 year old woman. i wont go into the awful details of my life thus far. suffice it to say that i have never had a family that could love me the way i have needed. i have gave up custody of my kids to family because i simply can not 'get it together'....i've suffered tremendous losses and setbacks and have a <20 year history of sexual, physical, emotional, mental abuse and numerous traumas and rapes since young adulthood. i have been to numerous psychiatric hospitals, been on most every psychiatric drug available to man, counseling (which im still in 4x/week), i dont drink or do drugs anymore, i am smart and intelligent, i even have a BS degree but i can never get my professional license because of my criminal record past which means i will be cleaning houses again for a living. my student loans are coming due, i dont have any food in my house, my bills are past due....and i really dont care anymore. i think ive done all the grieving a person can possibly do. the only thing that has kept me 'alive' is that i dont want to leave my kids with the carnage of a dead mom that shot herself. i was given a book that talks about making amends to ppl before they die. incredibly it can also be used to give ppl closure before you die to. so i have my notebook and im starting to go thru all of the ppl in my life that i can help them to heal after im gone. it is a whole lot of work to do. i never realized that i hold so many answers for ppl that only i know and can say. i dont want to leave them hanging wondering why. i dont have an 'date' set yet...i suppose im not that committed to ending my life but all i know is that i just cant hang on for much longer. i know in my heart i am going to die and i want to lessen the pain for the ppl i love. so that is where im at with my thoughts of suicide....no im not actively suicidal right now. i think of suicide every day of my life and i have since i have been about 8 years old. it is a part of me, some days it is easier to deal with than other days....but im coming to the end of the road and i know it in my heart. im not even crying anymore about what i can not change. i was promised i could still see my kids but that has fallen thru. i am told that my oldest doesnt want to talk to me and we are supposed to start counseling next week. i have decided to put off 'life after death' untill i can try to help him thru the adjustment process of living in his new home with my sister. so those are my thoughts ...i really dont have anything left to live for. i dont want to go on anymore...but i have to for a while more and i am trapped in this existence. i dont have disability, insurance, job etc. i have no friends, estranged family, and no kids anymore....just me and my cat.