Hello everyone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by thekindlove, Apr 27, 2013.

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  1. thekindlove

    thekindlove Member

    i am new here and i have just about decided it is time to start a new chapter of my existence. im a 34 year old woman. i wont go into the awful details of my life thus far. suffice it to say that i have never had a family that could love me the way i have needed. i have gave up custody of my kids to family because i simply can not 'get it together'....i've suffered tremendous losses and setbacks and have a <20 year history of sexual, physical, emotional, mental abuse and numerous traumas and rapes since young adulthood. i have been to numerous psychiatric hospitals, been on most every psychiatric drug available to man, counseling (which im still in 4x/week), i dont drink or do drugs anymore, i am smart and intelligent, i even have a BS degree but i can never get my professional license because of my criminal record past which means i will be cleaning houses again for a living.

    my student loans are coming due, i dont have any food in my house, my bills are past due....and i really dont care anymore. i think ive done all the grieving a person can possibly do. the only thing that has kept me 'alive' is that i dont want to leave my kids with the carnage of a dead mom that shot herself. i was given a book that talks about making amends to ppl before they die. incredibly it can also be used to give ppl closure before you die to. so i have my notebook and im starting to go thru all of the ppl in my life that i can help them to heal after im gone. it is a whole lot of work to do. i never realized that i hold so many answers for ppl that only i know and can say. i dont want to leave them hanging wondering why. i dont have an 'date' set yet...i suppose im not that committed to ending my life but all i know is that i just cant hang on for much longer. i know in my heart i am going to die and i want to lessen the pain for the ppl i love.

    so that is where im at with my thoughts of suicide....no im not actively suicidal right now. i think of suicide every day of my life and i have since i have been about 8 years old. it is a part of me, some days it is easier to deal with than other days....but im coming to the end of the road and i know it in my heart.

    im not even crying anymore about what i can not change. i was promised i could still see my kids but that has fallen thru. i am told that my oldest doesnt want to talk to me and we are supposed to start counseling next week. i have decided to put off 'life after death' untill i can try to help him thru the adjustment process of living in his new home with my sister.

    so those are my thoughts ...i really dont have anything left to live for. i dont want to go on anymore...but i have to for a while more and i am trapped in this existence.

    i dont have disability, insurance, job etc. i have no friends, estranged family, and no kids anymore....just me and my cat.
  2. thekindlove

    thekindlove Member


    im feeling 'better'...took a hot shower and went outside to get some sunshine. even though i am just plain TIRED of these feelings it comforts me to know that these feelings like all feelings and thoughts come from chemical origins. its just sad and utterly MADDENING that this suicidal issue just wont' 'go away'...i only want to find a way to live in peace and serenity....perhaps...i need to lower my expectations and accept that my 'quality of life' will be very different from other ppl. it truly helps to find other ppl that are struggling with the same feelings....sometimes when it's really bad i put off death and untill tomorrow and when tommorrow comes i usually find that the accute feelings of suicide are gone. all that is left is for me to work on what i can to do to attain a 'quality of life' that is acceptable to me. i truly dont want to die in my heart. ive been trying to find a purpose to go on...and the answer is I DESERVE TO LIVE like everyone else.

    as far as my notebook to start making amends to ppl..im going to do that anyway because i only have one day at a time and i dont want to leave this world without ppl i love knowing how much i love them.

    thank you all.
  3. Morisha

    Morisha Active Member

    It's really sad to read what you've just been through. You seem to be a strong person for still being alive and fighting even with those thoughts in your mind.
    But there will be something to keep living for. Maybe It will take you 20 more years to find out what It Is but It will come and you won't be suffer anymore.
    Look up for more therapies that you can go through. Even If they never helped you,you still should look up for a good therapist. Search everywhere.

    & like you said: YOU DESERVE TO LIVE!!! That's why you were born,don't forget that.
    It was also a smart choice coming from you to register to this forum. Everytime you have to struggle,remember that you can log into this forum and write everything down before making choices that you may regret ? (Just think about that If your suicide try fails and you become ill or even worse)

    Heads up to you,darling!
  4. thekindlove

    thekindlove Member

    thank you so much morisha...i value your words...thanks again....hugs to you.
  5. Morisha

    Morisha Active Member

    You're welcome,baby.
    And don't forget you are not the only one who has to go through this,there are millions of unhappy people who are about to do suicide but at the end of the day we were not born to die!
    We deserve It to live as well. Not everyone's life seems as happy as It actually Is.

    Money,Popularity,Fame,Beauty etc. are all things that people are looking up to & tadaa = perfect life.
    But Uh Oh no,bb believe me. You have to clear up your mind,because your soul and your mind Is the only thing that can make you happy.

    At the end of the day we are all human,nothing more specific,nothing less. Maybe some receive more in their lifes but It doesn't mean that they are happier than everyone else.

    Life Is not a fairytale,but the strongest ones are the ones who can stand the test of time by just being who they are.
    Never change yourself because you are WHO YOU ARE and that's a beautiful thing to be.
    Nobody Is perfect. (Not me,not Obama,not even Dalai Lama).

    Sorry my english Is not perfect but I hope you got my point,honey.
  6. thekindlove

    thekindlove Member

    your english is fantastic!!! i do understand and thank you!:tennis:
  7. SuzenH

    SuzenH Member

    I believe it was you who just responded to a question I posted. I thought your suggestion was valuable and I intend to put it to work immediately. Like you, I really don't "want" to die, I just don't want to travel any further down the road making more mistakes or on a useless journey no less painful. It seems you already have a leg up in that area. Keep drawing on that strength and keep sharing. You can feel a sense of accomplishment in just having helped me through another day. I am jumping into that shower and forcing myself to take a walk. I wish people like us could share the burdens of life, financially, emotionally, every day to catch each other each time we fall. No one truly understands what it's like to be in the dreaded "suicide" space unless they have been there themselves. We can help each other without judging, without blame. I know it will not be easy but know that you are not alone. Feel blessed that your sister was able to jump in for you for the time being. Perhaps that will be an even greater blessing if you can overcome and later all heal together once again. In the meantime, take this time to focus on yourself and do it without the guilt. I don't know what tomorrow will bring for any of us but if it's one baby step towards the will to live again...I'll take it! Please keep checking in at the forum. I am new too and we all need someone to talk to and share with! Peaceful thoughts...
  8. Morisha

    Morisha Active Member

    aww thanks,sweetie.

    & If there's something you wanna talk about,you can also send me a private message and I'll try to give you the best answer I can.
    And for now keep going strong while living life! You are FLAWLESS and everyone who says otherwise can FUCK theirselves :D

    Much love and kisses,miss thekindlove.
  9. thekindlove

    thekindlove Member

    awww..thank you suzen (((bear hugs))) ...i am so happy that i could help you.....your not alone either and i appreciate you and even though i dont know you ...i love ya and im happy your here on this home we call earth.

    sharing and interacting with ppl who have been suicidal has helped me also. ...the computer and online resources such as this site have been invaluable to me and others ....as it would be nearly impossible for me to even be able to access these feelings with another person 'in person'...

    have a wonderful shower and walk...and if no one has told you today ...we love you!
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