Hello everyone!

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by SadEmily, Sep 10, 2013.

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  1. SadEmily

    SadEmily New Member

    Hello everyone,
    This is going to be very long, and I apologize for that. I just want to tell my story from the beginning.
    When I was 18 I left the town I grew up in to attend college. I lived in a rural area. School was alright back then. I didn’t have many friends, but good ones.

    I went to college with a friend from high school. We shared a room, and things were not that bad. For me that was. For her they were. She hated the city, she hated her studies, the people, everything. After a few months she dropped out, moved back home for a short while, and then started a different school. Deep down I felt left alone and abandoned by her. (I didn’t consciously know it back then, only later when I started seeing a therapist) I was at a point in my life when I was really alone and lonely for the first time ever. I mean I felt this way before, but this time the feeling was very real and very present, I was so isolated, but couldn’t do anything to make it stop. It was this paradox situation where I wanted to meet people deep down, but I was far too shy to speak to anybody. There were weeks, when I literally didn’t speak a word to anyone. I skipped classes, because I just couldn’t be there. And it lasted a very long time. It is hard for me to make new friends and I am a very shy person, so I only made a few acquaintances, but I guess I did push them away from me at a certain point. I always had this fear of people knowing me too well. I don’t know why, probably because I was afraid I wasn’t good enough for them... I know. I have huge self confidence issues. Probably due to bad experiences at high school. Anyway, this situation lasted for about a year and a half. I stayed at home, didn’t study enough, basically had no friends. So my grades dropped rapidly, and things looked bad. I was so sad all the time, and really thought about killing myself. The feelings started to become so strong, that I went to see a counselor. I was still in college back then, but I was really bad. I hated to go there. I was just in a big room with strangers, and I hated doing anything. She said I was depressed and gave me addresses for therapists. I went to see one of them for a short period, but it really wasn’t for me. I also did not want to take any drugs, and she was downright angry with me about that. She kind of said it, as if it was my responsibility to take them, because I had to realize I couldn’t get better without them. She really didn’t take my fear of side effects and all that seriously. It was also very expensive. Bottom line is I stopped seeing her. I also dropped out of college.

    I basically had nothing at that point. No friends. No money. Nothing. I was very close to killing myself at that point again. At that time two childhood friends moved to the city where I lived now and started college, and they knew about my life at that time. Their life wasn’t perfect either, one of them had a really bad eating disorder when she was at high school, and she still had it at the beginning of college. The other one helped me get a job as a waitress, and we did do things together. We were kind of like a self help group. Back then I didn’t feel that good - the suicidal thoughts were not really gone, but I didn’t think about death and stuff like that that often. I was less sad than before. My job wasn’t perfect, but I could cope.
    So that was about two years ago. Life started to look up for me. The job helped me make new acquaintances, and I felt that I should give college another try, because I figured I couldn’t live on a waitress’ wage all my live. I applied at a different college (again in the same city), and they took me. I had to move to a cheaper room, which is pretty far away from the center of the city and also from my friends. We hardly see each other anymore, and I feel very lonely again. Everything about my new college is very intimidating. New people, new environment, also I really miss my friends. My shyness is in my way again, it is hard for me to find the energy to study and to make new friends. I don’t think I felt perfect over the last two years, but I was better than I am now. I feel like crying every day...I feel so overwhelmed and I have these thoughts about ending it all again... I just don’t feel up to it. I fear that I am not good enough to finish it this time... But worse than the sadness and the fear of failure is the fear that I’ll have to get through this loneliness and emptiness again... I don’t think I could take it again.

    Thanks for reading,
  2. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    hi and welcome to the forums.

    hope you find the support here to be useful to you
  3. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF, Emmy.
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