Hello everyone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TomB, Dec 18, 2013.

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  1. TomB

    TomB Member

    Hello, my name is Thomas I am 23 years old , male(obviously) . I believe I made an account a little while back, but I was busy with lifes nonsense and did not have time to make a constructive post. So this will be my very first post.

    I am not here here to cry for attention saying that ," I will commit suicide waiting to collect sympathy tokens." If I choose to end my life I will do it, with out leaving a desperate attention\praise seeking message.

    You can skip this part till -------

    I have been depressed for as long as I can remember, at this point its just who I am, depression has been with me long enough that I can say that the biochemistry that causes depression that takes place in my central nervous system is really who I am, I can live perfectly fine with depression my whole life, and I can deal with it in a healthy way.

    Okay, very briefly since this is my very first post.
    Never met my mother idk where she is(alive\dead?)
    Father died when I was 16.
    I have no friends or any family\relatives.

    Well since I've been depressed for a long time. I found a way to "manage" , "hide" it... Well you eat diet rich in vitamins\minerals, you work out 6 days a week, have a job. And you will not have much time to feel depressed. Really it's simple as that. You still feel depressed, and empty but its nothing major.

    Well since I really Don't have anyone else to depend on, I told my self that I have to work more harder than anyone else(logical,rational conclusion), save money and eventually go to school and in due time , life will improve (in the long run) once I obtain higher education. New doors of opportunities will open for me.

    I really never had time for friends, girlfriends , or a social life(in my late teens-\till now) due to my circumstances. Which never bothered me really, I am really introverted to begin with. Well So I knew I had to work, so I could have a chance at a happy future.
    I felt sad\depressed at times, but I never let that bother me I just kept pushing all the bs away, and kept looking forward into a brighter future.

    When I was 19-21 , I held 2 jobs. One was at a grocery store, another one was for a moving company. So I use to work around 60-100 hours weekly through my 2 jobs, 6-7 days a week. But even with 2 jobs, and these hours ,I wasn't making good money, just enough for rent,food and little extra.

    So I am not excactly sure, when I was 20 or 21.
    I was working by my self in Chicago, in a really bad black neighborhood, on a house that was assigned to me by the moving company. I got robbed\attacked by 2 masked men. They had a pistol and a knife(happened in broad day light), Well I din't really have anything worth taking, but they left me a little gift, they tried to slice my neck or face, but I covered my face with my arm, so they sliced my arm open, and I knocked the guy out with the gun and ran for my life. Well I will have that scar on my arm for the rest of my life. And of course the medical bill was not covered by my employer, because he is a cheap Jew (cliche, I'm sorry). He told me that he can pay for it, but that I pack my stuff and find another job. So I ended up paying it up my self, and left anyways.

    I have been saving money and planning to leave my jobs from the very start, since I wasn't making any money through my 2 jobs.
    I got truck drivers license, since I know they are able to make a lot of money and it is a job that doesn't require 4 years of school to get into it. So i went to school payed 2k usd. Got my license in one month. Started driving right away (this was only a temporarily job to make a lot of money fast(year or two) for school). Moved in with guy who is around my age, we rented an apartment together. That's where all my problems began.

    In the 6 months or so that we lived there. He never payed a dime for rent. We got evicted 6 months later. He stole about 3k USD from me, he went to my workplace and stole checks from drop box, and cashed them at a local currency exchange. And since I was driving the whole week, I just assumed they forgot to leave the check in the drop box, and this went on for a few weeks until I asked the company why are they not leaving my checks in the drop box, they replied the checks have been left for me, and have been picked up.... I had money in my closet in my jacket, while I was driving he went into my closet and stole money from there, on my birthday I should add, not like i celebrate it... but still.... And since he stole money from office, an investigation was made and I did not receive a penny for 2.5 months until it was over(ohh and he never did pay me back). My car broke down, I did not have money to pay for my repair,insurance,rent, anything. Well later I found out hes a heroin addict(the roomate, so now i knew where my money went). Also as all of this was happening at "home" while I was driving. My boss was screwing me out of about 40% of my paycheck. Well 2 drivers got into an accident, and some kind of inspection was made on the company(safety inspection), and the company went bankrupt. He also did not pay me the 6k USD, that he owed me, and screwed me out of 40% ~ of what he did pay me. So I did not receive the last 6k USD that I made, im out of a job, I have little to no money , and I am getting evicted. Lol hard work really pays off.


    So here I am like 7-8 months later, I still haven't got a job. I did work a little bit, but I never got an actual job all this time. My car is broken down, i have no money to fix it, I have literarely no money, i pretty much eat a bowl of rice every day once day. I am "renting out" a basement, but I haven't payed rent in 3 or 4 months, reason why I haven't got kicked out is probably because the landlord feels sympathy since Im such a polite young man and he can relate with going through "hard times".

    Truth be told, in the last 7-8 months. I "evaluated" my life. It was really unpleasant, I worked 6-7 days a week, jobs that payed nothing, jobs that most people would not do, to begin with. I missed out on being young, I am 23 years old and I haven't had a girlfriend, or actual friends, or a social life(I know these are the years where you get to be young and live a little and have a little bit of fun). I did everything right, I always worked, I was always nice, polite,truthfull to other people , I kept a postive attitude despite the fact that life wasn't really awesome for me , I always told my self a lie that If I worked hard, and keep a postive attitude , things will surely improve, unfortunately it did not work out this way.. .Oher people just stepped all over me, because this is the way of the world.

    I never really had a great desire to live to begin with, you have to understand when you are all alone, with no family or friends, or anything to fall back on ,in case you fall, you cease to think like a normal person, you as a human being develop completely different from a typical person.

    Let me say that I was very responsible, but something happened to me 7-8 months ago.
    My brain rejected the world, I know it sounds very strange to say something like this. Its a very strange thing to describe, this is the very reason why I am posting here. I barely left, the basement I live in 7-8 months. i sometimes stay here for 2-3 weeks with out stepping outside once! its very hard to describe because i know how abnormal and strange this is, but its like my subconscious is rejecting everything, my brain doesn't work the same way that it used to. I have no desire for food, for water, for life, I have no dreams. I went 3 days with out eating of drinking a drop of water, and I never got hungry or thirsty, then I tried to get out of my bed and I could barely walk due to exhaustion. I really mean, theres the rational me who understand how strange I am acting, how unhealthy this situation is, that I should eat,try to get a job,(even with no transportation), get outside instead of being inside all the time. But I LITERARELY can't "connect" with the world, my mind rejects everything, while at the same time I fully am aware of what is happening but I can't help it. Best way I can describe it is, as if someone took a shit and served it to you on a plate and instructed you to eat it, no matter how you go about it, if you try to put that thing near your mouth your going to gag(your body telling you not to eat it, that it will not accept it inside of you) So the same thing is going on with my subconscious mind, that is completely rejecting everything, while I am fully aware and fully capable and able to see my own situation and am able make a rational plans to get out of it, but my mind rejects it, its so hard to describe.... But my mind took everything that happened to me all of my experiences, all of the effort I ever made, and despite all that effort I saw where I am today, how i am today, and decided that putting effort into anything is rather pointless and meaningless since it leads to nothing but misery and suffering of the user, so It installed a mental block inside my head that shuts everything down completely when I would do anything rational to get out of the situation I am in. A block that completely disconects you from the world... Describing it like this, sounds like Im a lazy fuck, who doesn't want to do anything. And it is true I have no "desire" to do anything, I never did, but at the same timhats not how I go about things, I was always responsible,way beyond responsible... I use to never be late for work, ever, I never complained about work, always connected action with consequence, I always understood my role as a member of the society and how my actions and innactions can affect others around me... I just am incapable of caring about anything, nothing is able to touch me or affect me, as if I live in a world that is separate from this world, nothing that happens in this world can no longer affect or influence me in any way, my brain completely detached it self from this world, yet at the same time I am fully capable of rational thought, and I am capable of seeing my self from a someone else perspective, I am capable of fully understanding my current situation.

    Right now I am not feeling depressed of suicidal at all. But sometimes the physical urge, gets so strong that the only way to prevent my self from committing suicide(which i rationally understand, is not the answer), is just to go to sleep. I will not lie, I live inside my head, these 7-8 months I could only live inside my head in an imaginary world I constructed, I am literarely not able to live in real world anymore, I can't explain it, I can't. Sometimes I feel very happy for no reason at all, this usually is followed by the really strong desire to commit suicide, and its really a urge that I can physically feel. So I really don't know what to do, I have no money, I have no job, I have no one to help me, I even have no food, I have lost a ton of weight, since all my clothes are supersized to me now. I am all alone in this world, making bed on dirty old mattress , surrounded by four grey walls, scavenging for food scraps with the roaches, and I feel like the worst part is I am to weak to bring my self out of the circumstances, my own brain made a block that detaches me from the rest of the world. Can anyone tell me what is going on with me?

    Thank you in advance.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 18, 2013
  2. Tabula Ras

    Tabula Ras Member

    You seem like an incredible hard worker who tried your absolute best to get through this life as effectively as you could. This is something to be admired in a world where there are so many lazy and unmotivated people in high paying positions in the world who take advantage of the little guy lifting himself up by the bootstraps. There is this strong desire of mine that wishes I ran a company who needed some decent and reliable workers in which I would choose you just based off of what you have written to give you a stable and reliable living for a change. Working two jobs like you have, paying your own way through schooling to become a truck driver, as well as attempting to live with a stranger just to survive is the essence of work ethic and motivation.

    As someone who once worked multiple jobs and broke my back working harder than the person next to me understanding that the work ethic is my only means of survival, I completely feel for your situation and understand how hard work still doesn't amount to any effective payoff in this world it now seems. It seems survival for myself has its days numbered.

    But I write in hopes it is a bit comforting that you are not alone in attempting to work hard for a living which results in such lack of reward. I cannot say I know exactly what is going on with the rejection mentality of the world, it seems what you have done and accomplished was not good enough and there doesn't seem to be any viable option in sight anymore other than hoping something falls into your lap. This is a fate I wish no person would have to endure in this world where there seems to be more than enough to go around. There's no shortage of food, or water, or even resources at this point in time. Only the suffering that governments enact on their people in order to keep them in control to make sure all profits continue going towards those on top without any empathy or consideration for the lives of others.

    Leading such a life and going above and beyond like you have mentioned and still losing everything can be completely discouraging. An aspect of having to technically start all over from the bottom which is where you have been trying to dig yourself out of your entire life would bring upon a mentality of almost giving up and rejecting the reality that is known on almost any being I'd say.

    I was hoping as I flowed through these words I decided to respond with that maybe I'd find something worthy and acceptable enough for you to read. Still the desire to help you although I am in no position myself in this world to even help myself. A fantasy of having more than enough and sharing with someone who seems to have tried and worked so hard in this world to no avail. If I owned a company, I'd hire you, and give you a vehicle to show up without a doubt based upon what you have written. The genuine work ethic you seem to have is something I completely respect in an individual and I find it hard to doubt it for a second. We are all human and can only take so much weight before we are crushed and stopped in our tracks completely. Sometimes we need that helping hand to lift the weight just a little bit in order to move on and continue which is what I truly hope you eventually find.

    The generic and regurgitated advice I could give only leaves me to assume you have heard and understood it all as you portray an above average intelligence. An intelligence which naturally comes dealing with such hardships in the world which develops the ability to see all perspectives and angles of the situation you describe as you mention. I believe the world needs people such as yourself, but the world has yet to realize that potential contribution the working poor can truly bring upon society and refuses to give many a fair chance. Most of course take advantage of the working poor and assume that such genuine work ethic and determination is in every being which isn't true. The hardest workers in the world are the ones who have lived through such despair and understand that hard work is the livelihood of survival when there's nothing else. And even that doesn't seem to suffice which is a cruel reality some have to endure.

    There's so much I can relate to and I wish my words could help and fix all the wrongs this world constantly portrays. You do not come off as a lazy person at all as you describe such a situation and evolving into not being able to care is the toll that a lack of appreciation and such hard worked going unnoticed and unrewarded will take upon anyone. With what you have been through, how hard you have worked, and the options you have tried, you deserve a break from reality in my opinion and perhaps your brain is attempting to give itself that break from the stress that is constantly endured. A lot like a mule, your brain can only carry so much before it tires out and lays down. This is why stress is known as the silent killer.
  3. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    hi thomas,

    welcome to SF

    first off, about the depression being with you a long time... i'm the same way. mental health issues have been with me so long, that i wouldn't know how to live with myself if they were suddenly gone (i know no other life)

    i'm sorry you never met your mother, i'm the other way around.... i never met my father- but i've not asked about him, either. it's not something i strive to know about

    myy family arn't supportive at all, and like you, my only friends reside on the forums (no one in reality)

    maybe i'll see you around the forum- who knows, but i hope you don't do anything you'd regret

    emily xxxx
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