Hello everyone

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by prettypearls, Mar 1, 2014.

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  1. prettypearls

    prettypearls Member

    So I'm new here. Signed up yesterday actually. Just felt very lonely and started looking around for a place to find some company, and I found this place!

    I've never gotten a diagnosis from a doctor or anything. But I've been having "bad times" for six years now, and I've had suicidal thought for two years. I tried to tell a doctor about my problems for the first time a few weeks ago. He told me that because I'm planning my future and since I go to school every day and have good grades, he's not worried about me. And he thinks I will be fine. Not really what I wanted to hear. So ever since then I've been messing up my life. I started ignoring work calls, I broke up with my boyfriend, I stopped taking care of myself, I stopped cleaning the apartment and just did everything I could to mess it all up. I think I did it to prove that I really need help. I've always been afraid to talk about my bad times and thoughts, I'm afraid I won't be taken seriously. And what happens the first time I talk about it to someone other than my boyfriend? He doesn't take me seriously... But I really hate what I've done, and since yesterday I've been trying to fix it again. I just hope I can keep going.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun i hear you your are crying for help what you do hun is you go back to your doctor and tell him outright you are wrong i am desperate in need of HELP now and i am destroying myself ok so help me either with meds or therapy you help me now make him hear you hun and if he doesn't you go to emergency dept and get a crisis worker there to hear you hugs
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. Welcome to this community. I think its a really kind and supportive one. I commend you for your desire to get help. And am so horribly sad to read that when you reached out for help you were dismissed. I have had that happen to me too. My story was completely denied. First by a pdoc. After she moved away the therapist I saw next said the exact opposite. She believed me.

    The real answer to this is to find someone else to talk to. That may not be easy since you were treated in such a dismissive way when you reached out to your doctor. To not be believed can be devistating. I am impressed that you are taking the steps to correct your reaction.... when you attempted to make the outside look like the inside. I understand why you started trying to manifest outwardly dysfunctional behaviors. But really that gives the doctor way too much power over your actions. So I think it is really smart of you that you are cleaning up the messes you tried to make on purpose in order to be believed. Again, the doc does not deserve that power over your life. And there ARE practitoners out there who will believe you. You just found someone who is not capable of helping. Thats about his limitations. And not about you.

    I often suggest that people go to a school counslor. Will you do that? you could come up with a different plan, maybe. One where you can start with how devistating it was to not be believed. And to talk about how just because people get good grades and things look okay on the outside does not mean that things are not falling apart on the inside. And how much it took for you to reach out to the doctor. And to not be believed was your worst fear. Start with that the next time. Talk about how what is going on in the inside is way different from what you manage to show on the outside. And you do not want to live alone with this untreated anymore.

    I want to tell you that way too many people who are overachivers and even perfectionists.... people who are popular and social and seem to have it togeter are in horriffic pain inside. They hide it well. They suffer in silence. I am very very impressed that you want better than this for yourself.

    Great that you joined this community !!! I, for one, will support you to reach out again irl. Do you think you might be ready to do that again? Even though you were so dismissed and disbelieved by the doctor who obviously has no clue about people who seem to keep it all together but are far from together inside where it is hidden? Again, what about a school counselor? And if you really are in crisis and need help now, please do call an emergency helpline. Dont wait for an appointment if you are in crisis and cannot wait. yes? :hug:

    Take good care of you. you are worth it. Even through the pain and dispair and thoughts. And there IS hope. Really.
  4. prettypearls

    prettypearls Member

    I've been thinking about going to the student counselling centre for a very long time now. Two years actually. I can just never get myself to do it. I've always felt that my problems doesn't matter, because I'm depressed about nothing. I don't have a reason to feel what I feel. And it's just hard to admit that to someone. And when I'm having one of my good periods I think to myself that I don't need help, and I won't get help because I'm good, which is what happened with the doctor. And then I go bad and have a bad day/week/month and I can't get myself to reach out for help. But I think that finding this community helped me this time. It feels like I'm going in to a good period now. I just hope it sticks.

    Edit: And thank you both for the kind words. It helps to write about it and knowing that people care.
  5. unionfalls

    unionfalls Well-Known Member

    I am glad you are feeling better currently. Please do go to the student counselling though. They can be very helpful and supportive. I had good grades as well and when depression hits I couldn't even get to class and so my grades suffered. Currently dropped out and I am 39 so the clock is ticking. lol. If I had gone to my school for help when I felt okay, this may not have happened. Keep coming here as well as it is a very supportive site.
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Depression often is genetic. It would seem that there is no reason. But there always is a reason. Genetics is the reason for most people when it seems there is no reason. And it is very common. I have the genetic pattern for depression and anxiety. So do many people I know. You can always present it that way when you reach out. I know someone in England who felt the same thing as you. She said there was no reason. She got on some... what she calls "happy pills" and is doing so much better. The thing is that we cannot override our genetics. They are what they are. And how could that be our fault? The shame around that is based in false judgements, if you know what I mean.

    So, yes, you do have a reason to feel as you do. Everyone does. AND I do not agree that you are "depressed about nothing" :hug:
    in coming here you can have a support system either way. But if you want, you will have a support system in making that appointment with the student counselling center, to get the help. I, for one, would support you all the way.
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