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Hello everyone

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by FordPrefect42, Jun 6, 2014.

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  1. FordPrefect42

    FordPrefect42 Member

    Well, I'm a 40 year old guy who's suffered depression for his entire life. Well, not the entirety exactly...a couple years ago I was told about a fantastic doctor who specializes in blood/brain chemistry imbalances and thanks to her the last two years have been the best years I've ever had. What's sad though is I still want to die, and now without the depression I can see clearly that my life serves next to no purpose.

    I was born into a poor family in a hippy commune in the back woods of Arkansas. My mother was an abusive narcissist and my father worked 12 to 16 hours a day to support us. Mother discovered wire coat hangers as a form of punishment when I was three and seemed to think as I got older I needed to be hit harder and for longer periods. The first time she drew blood it didn't even phase her, and when she got tired of hearing the screaming and sobbing she locked me in the hall closet for the rest of the day until just before dad got home. I can't be sure...the memories are fuzzy and it may have just been a dream...but I think she may have sexually abused me as well.

    Needless to say, I grew up with issues. I never learned how to make friends, and the few I did make didn't last. My temper is sometimes fierce and unexpected...once I even chased a thug down the street for having broken into an empty room at the hotel I worked at (no idea what I was gonna do if I caught him, lol). Over the years I somehow managed to find women who would actually date me, but with one exception it never lasted for more than 24 months with any of them, and the one that lasted 6 years should have ended after just 2. My last GF was 6 years ago now, and my last date was 4 years ago. I have no friends, and only one family member still talking to me.

    And it's that last family member that keeps me alive. My dad, through all his faults, is still a good guy. He's helped me out a lot when I needed it over the years and does love me a lot. He's admitted he had strong suspicions as to what my mother was doing to me and apologized for not having done anything about it. I think he knows how screwed up I am today and feels terrible about letting it all happen. I've recently found out he also suffers from clinical depression like I do, but, even though he told me about the doctor I'm seeing and even pays for my visits, he won't go see her himself. It's frustrating for me on two counts...A) I would love to see him more or less cured of the depression like I am, and B) it would make it easier for me to finally stop having to live.

    Yes, I do plan to end my own life at some point. I'm not depressed anymore, but I can clearly see how meaningless my life is now. No friends, thought of as weird and/or annoying at work, and no chance of a GF. I just don't see the point anymore. BUT, I can't end it anytime soon. I'm doing my best to 'enjoy' life as much as I can until my dad passes away in his own due time. I just don't feel right about putting him through the pain and guilt of my suicide. On the other hand, it's getting harder and harder to wait.

    I just wish I had one person...just one person...that I could talk to open and honestly about everything. But I've been knocking on that door for years. There's no one home.
  2. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    welcome. :)
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi FordP - pleased to meet you, thank you for finding SF and I hope you will be here to stay and look around for ideas that resonate with you which can help. It is very healing to be able to talk openly and honestly about everything - it helps us come to understand our souls, having someone receive what we have to say, with full acceptance. You may find you can do that better with PMs, or in Chat - or taking to writing it out in a Members Diary. Hope you enjoy the site, it is good to have you on board :) Blessings and strength, urP
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