Hello? Feeling alone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Oloriel, Nov 12, 2010.

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  1. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry if I shouldn't be starting a new thread just because I have no one to talk to. I imagine you get a lot of people making these. But I just made an account especially for this - I didn't know where else to turn than the good old internet.

    I am just sort of rattling around in my room alone tonight, and I feel trapped in my own body. I am terrified to leave the room for fear my roommate or someone will see me, and I am too lethargic to really do anything anyway. So I stay locked in my room. I am hungry, but I am afraid to leave to get food, and I kind of like the way the pain feels anyway. A dull, constant ache reminding me that I am still alive. I try to distract myself and fail over and over - I rattle around between flash games, to lying down, to another game, back to bed, an attempt to harm myself, music, tears. I don't know what to do with myself. And I keep looking online to see if any friends are there to talk, but no one. I am alone, and I can feel it.

    I'm not really even sure what I'm saying anymore. I feel cut off, even though I'm the one who's pushing the world away. I can't sleep, but it's driving me crazy to stay awake - I just want to be dead and not have to FEEL any of this anymore. But I'm too much of a stupid coward to go through with it, when it's all I've been thinking about all day. I have cut to try and relieve myself, I have choked myself to near-unconsciousness (the best alternative to suicide I know), but nothing is helping. Next step would be for me to pop a handful of ativan to see if that knocks me out...but more than asleep, I want to be not-alone. ...I guess I just wanted someone to hear me. I want someone to hold me and tell me it's okay for me to be like this, even though I don't think it is, and that everything will get better, even though I know it won't.

    I feel like a whiny brat crying for attention. >.< I should have just stayed curled up in my closet like the worthless piece of shit I am. But there you have it - I'm gonna post this anyway. I will prolly get no replies...but at least it's out there.

    So, hi. I'm Oloriel, and I'm new here. And I really wish I was strong enough to kill myself.
  2. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    hey, i read it

    im sorry its like this, i relate to how you feel. it sucks, but if you wanna talk im here to listen
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just want to say Hi sorry you are so down. Isolating so not worth it in the end it is hard i know but get OUT of that room. I am glad you decided to reach out here though take care.
  4. JohnnieDarko

    JohnnieDarko New Member

    I'm new in here too, and what i realize is that there are a lot of people in here that can relate to our deepest problems, and talking here may not fix it, but it helps, it really does

    I feel what you're saying, sometimes i isolate myself too, and wish for once everybody would leave me alone, i don't eat, don't even leave the bed, and it takes a lot of hard work of mind to leave that dark place, sometimes i fight it sometimes i couldn't care less, i'm still working on my ways, feel free to talk, it helped me a bit
  5. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    Thank you, all. Just...thanks. It helps to hear that someone gets it...and isn't just going to say "well try NOT being sad" and there's just no way to reply to that. Thank you for listening. Truly.
  6. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    why are you afraid that someone will see you? part of isolating yourself? social anxiety?

    you say you have ativans, so it sounds like you've tried the meds route - any other kind of treatment???

    here are some e-hugs!!!!!

    :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :console:

    things can indeed get better, you just don't believe it yet
  7. Prophet

    Prophet Well-Known Member

    Hey, I'm new here too and I'm usually wandering around until stupid hours of the morning.

    You'll find alot of support here, I hope you feel just a little better for posting here.
  8. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    I get a lot of panic attacks. I feel ashamed when people see me in that condition...all twitchy and breathing fast and talking to myself trying to shut up the voices in my head. So I avoid people when I'm depressed. I think that's why I avoid them anyway. Another part of it might be that people tend to offer me pithy advice to try and help. I am grateful that they care, but it just...isn't helpful. I had a friend suggest I try eating candy to feel less depressed. I kinda didn't know what to say, but I am glad she cared all the same.

    And I feel like my meds don't really help, but I try to take them anyway because what else can I do? I worry about the ativan though - I was prescribed one or one-half a pill, and I have been taking two to three just to get to sleep.

    I do feel better for posting though...Like I just might have found a place where I dont have to be afraid.
  9. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    i don't think you are a coward.
  10. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    you sound brave to me.
  11. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    What have you actually been diagnosed with and who did the diagnosis? You sound like you may have Bi-Polar disorder or at least some form of it. If you do, then you'll need a different regime of meds.
    I hate it when clueless people give advice too. I always say that the real problem is that it's the world that's mad and I'm the only one sane enough to see it. Then again, I quite like the 'eat candy' advice but you're better off with chocolate:smile:
    Sending lots of hugs x
  12. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    it could be that the meds aren't helping, but it could also be that you aren't aware of how much they're helping. It's a common experience for people to go off of meds thinking they are useless, and then to get much worse. Maybe you could get your meds adjusted. They might be able to give you a separate med for insomnia.

    Adjusting your meds on your own sounds like a bad idea.

    so at risk of falling into the category of giver of useless advice, I recommend checking out these books

    "Curing Insomnia Naturally with Chinese Medicine"


    "Curing Depression Naturally with Chinese Medicine"

    I've never checked out the insomnia book, but I've done an acupressure self-massage that is described in the other book that has worked like a charm when I have insomnia.

    I recommend these books so often, maybe I should just add them to a signature so I don't have to re-type the info that often. :)

    anyway, at least you feel like posting here helps, so please keep posting!

    Do you like giraffs? :Leiaha:
  13. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    My psychiatrist hasn't really given me a specific diagnosis, which really makes me angry. I have seen two psychiatrists, and both prescribed meds immediately after meeting me, they barely talked to me first. The best "diagnosis" I have gotten is that my second psych has said "you sound like you might be dysthymic." That is the most I have to work with so far.

    I will take a look at the books! I don't consider advice I might get here to be pithy - you've all apparently been affected by the same feelings I have at times.

    Giraffes are cute. Especially when they're doing a li'l dance like that. <3
  14. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    We've probably all been through several doctors who didn't give a proper diagnosis too, sigh..
    You need to educate yourself and learn enough to be able to argue with them, or reason with them at first (always start out polite!)
    Learn all about dysthymic and see if that's what you think you're suffering from. Look at other conditions and see if they make more sense. I more or less presented my psychiatrist with the evidence that I was bi polar. Up until then, they'd been working with 'depression' and totally ignoring the manic periods.
    Go back, ask for better meds.
    I thought the giraffe was cute too :) x
  15. dartofabaris

    dartofabaris Well-Known Member

    Hi Oloriel, im glad you shared this. I understand what you are going through since i relate to much of this. Since when have you found yourself in such a poised state?
  16. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    i hear you

    it's okay for you to be like this...i'm like this too...

    it will get better...it really truly will get better...and then it will get worse again...and then it will get better...and it will cycle like that for years to come...it's a roller coaster...a never ending roller coaster...but the high parts of the roller coaster are still a lot of fun, no? the low parts suck so much for me that i get very suicidal, like i am right now...but i would never do anything either, cuz 1. i'm a coward, too...and 2. i look forward to the high parts of the roller coaster...

    if you have the time, SLEEP...you're lethargic...it's a symptom...sleep, man...sleep as much as you can...and when you're awake, go for a drive...go for a walk...ppl don't have to be with you...just LEAVE your room...and maybe, go to a gas station or a grocery store, buy ONE thing so that you interact with ONE person (the cashier)...it will slowly get better...but u can't stay in your room all the time...
  17. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    You are all so wonderful. I am glad I came here. *hug*

    Catherine: I know you are right - I have always been the kind of person who just lets people walk all over me. My parents, my exboyfriend, and now my doctor. I do whatever they tell me to do, no questions. >.< I just accept whatever they say. It's part of what's gotten me where I am.

    Dart: I have been generally depressed since I was about 12, cutting and suicidal since I was 14 - but things really crashed down around me when I went through a violent breakup with my ex. To be brief, he was abusive, more emotionally than physically thank god, but he got so much worse during the breakup. I had never really realized that he was hurting me, and I was afraid to leave him, so we were together for three and a half years. The breakup was...wow, nine months ago now, and I still hear his voice in my head, laughing and calling me a ***** and screaming at me. ...I didn't really intend to go into that. >.< Sorry.
  18. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Firstly, don't apologise for anything. This is a safe space for you, you can let it all out here.
    Secondly, you're suffering from Post Traumatic Stress. Read up on it and then tell your doctor. You need help to recover from the abusive relationship.
    So many women go through abusive relationships, it seems to happen to all of us at one stage or another. You can be proud that you had the sense to get out of it and the will power to get out of it. That's really impressive.
    If you've had mental health problems since you were 12 then you also need to deal with that. You've learnt a negative behaviour pattern in that you let other people tell you what to do and don't question it. The good news on that is that negative behaviour patterns can be unlearnt. Its not easy but it can be done. You're already made an impressive start with getting out of the relationship.
    Now you have to start recognising the pattern and stopping yourself from persisting with it. If you start with looking into your own illness so that you're better informed when you go to see your doctor, that will be a big step and give you lots of confidence. Remember, knowledge is power. Learn all you can.
    It's going to be a steep learning curve and will probably get harder before it gets better, but don't let that put you off. You're strong enough to do it. xxxx
  19. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Catherine. I am in a tough place right now in that I am abroad for a year, away from my psych, but I am trying to arrange a session via skype or something. Hopefully then I can make a little more progress. I don't really like talking to my psych - I first went to a therapist because my school doctor made me after seeing my scars - but I know it's a smart idea to have someone knowledgeable to talk to.
  20. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    You'll be better off talking to a Women's Aid counsellor, at least at first. You need to get over the Post Traumatic Stress.
    After that, you need to find a psych you feel comfortable with, you'll feel so much better if you do. I'm gradually building a relationship with my psych but my real support (medically) is my doctor. He helps me deal with the psych!
    Good luck, and try to enjoy your year abroad as much as you can. xx
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