Hello everyone. I just joined this forum today. At first glance it looks like a generic island of helpless depressed fools like myself. Upon further inspection, I've skimmed through, read some posts, and I see people that really care. I would introduce myself in the 'welcome' forum, but I am feeling particularly teetering on that 'edge' at the moment, so please forgive my misplaced introduction. I chose the name Prisoner1 because that is what I am. I'm not a prisoner of a jail or any physical holding cell, just my own mind. My life started to go wrong ever since I was 16. I never really fit in, but that was ok because I still had friends. I had girlfriends. I was 'normal'. I honestly don't know what happened since then, because now I am 23, and I feel like my mind has deteriorated. I am a very logical, ethical person. I use analogies and explain away everything, but all of that hasn't helped me it seems. You see, over the past 2 years specifically, I've developed some extreme agoraphobia. I don't know how, but I know why. I feel like everyone out there is out to judge me, to ridicule me, to hate me and point fingers. There is nothing physically wrong with me. I know am the average baloo figured decently handsome guy who doesn't have half a head, or green skin, but I FEEL that way, and I don't know why. Some of you may think it's stupid. I know I do, but I can't help it. I have spent the past 2 years indoors, shut out all my friends and family. I get my meals from delivery, and I slip the money under the door. I work out of the home. I literally never interact with anyone whatsoever. I even feel paranoid on the phone. Paranoid is an understatement. It is more like extreme anxiety. I feel the stares, the mean thoughts. Every insult from every person I have ever known comes flooding back and swarms my head with demeaning thoughts about myself. I cannot think. I lock up and sweat even at the thought of leaving the house. My friends all try to help, but I keep shutting them out because I don't want them to see me like I am, and I cannot even function around them anyway because I will have panic attacks. I've been on all kinds of medicines, and my doctors don't trust to prescribe me anything anymore, because I've tried to end things for myself using my prescriptions twice already. Both times I failed (obviously). I am a big guy (6'6" 250lb) and I really didn't even notice a thing except a nice carefree feeling... only after taking 8 weeks worth of lexapro. I am killing my family. They are all worried about me rightfully. I am NOT here to self pity or give ANYONE a guilt trip. That is not who I am. The only problem is, my logic tells me "well, if Im dead, then I wont be worried about anything", and this just promotes my will to stop my life. I know if I cease to exist, so will my guilt for hurting my family, and so will my anxiety, my wish to see the world, my want to see my friends, etc. I feel like I really want to do it this time. I'm not sad nearly as much as I am tired. Tired of going nowhere. Tired of ruining my future and isolating myself. Tired of the same 2000 square feet and peeking through the blinds like some crazy person, trying to remember what the sidewalk felt like or the wind smells like. I am in a prison. I've tried forcing myself out, drugging myself, even calling my friends and telling them to break a window to get in if they have to, only to threaten them if they dont go away when they get here. I only post here on these forums, because my logic also tells me not to rule anything out before making a decision. I don't think itd be fair to at least not try to be persuaded not to finalize my choice. If anyone really wants to help me here, please, just explain to me, what is going on? I need someone to relate to. I know if I can understand this, I can beat it. I know suicide IS a way out, but my first choice is obviously to live a better life and not hurt my family. I am sorry for rambling. I guess its not easy for anyone to sum up their life problems in a few sentences. Take care everyone.