Hello for now

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Prisoner1, Aug 11, 2010.

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  1. Prisoner1

    Prisoner1 Member

    Hello everyone. I just joined this forum today. At first glance it looks like a generic island of helpless depressed fools like myself. Upon further inspection, I've skimmed through, read some posts, and I see people that really care. I would introduce myself in the 'welcome' forum, but I am feeling particularly teetering on that 'edge' at the moment, so please forgive my misplaced introduction.

    I chose the name Prisoner1 because that is what I am. I'm not a prisoner of a jail or any physical holding cell, just my own mind. My life started to go wrong ever since I was 16. I never really fit in, but that was ok because I still had friends. I had girlfriends. I was 'normal'. I honestly don't know what happened since then, because now I am 23, and I feel like my mind has deteriorated. I am a very logical, ethical person. I use analogies and explain away everything, but all of that hasn't helped me it seems.

    You see, over the past 2 years specifically, I've developed some extreme agoraphobia. I don't know how, but I know why. I feel like everyone out there is out to judge me, to ridicule me, to hate me and point fingers. There is nothing physically wrong with me. I know am the average baloo figured decently handsome guy who doesn't have half a head, or green skin, but I FEEL that way, and I don't know why. Some of you may think it's stupid. I know I do, but I can't help it. I have spent the past 2 years indoors, shut out all my friends and family. I get my meals from delivery, and I slip the money under the door. I work out of the home. I literally never interact with anyone whatsoever. I even feel paranoid on the phone. Paranoid is an understatement. It is more like extreme anxiety. I feel the stares, the mean thoughts. Every insult from every person I have ever known comes flooding back and swarms my head with demeaning thoughts about myself. I cannot think. I lock up and sweat even at the thought of leaving the house. My friends all try to help, but I keep shutting them out because I don't want them to see me like I am, and I cannot even function around them anyway because I will have panic attacks. I've been on all kinds of medicines, and my doctors don't trust to prescribe me anything anymore, because I've tried to end things for myself using my prescriptions twice already. Both times I failed (obviously). I am a big guy (6'6" 250lb) and I really didn't even notice a thing except a nice carefree feeling... only after taking 8 weeks worth of lexapro.

    I am killing my family. They are all worried about me rightfully. I am NOT here to self pity or give ANYONE a guilt trip. That is not who I am. The only problem is, my logic tells me "well, if Im dead, then I wont be worried about anything", and this just promotes my will to stop my life. I know if I cease to exist, so will my guilt for hurting my family, and so will my anxiety, my wish to see the world, my want to see my friends, etc. I feel like I really want to do it this time. I'm not sad nearly as much as I am tired. Tired of going nowhere. Tired of ruining my future and isolating myself. Tired of the same 2000 square feet and peeking through the blinds like some crazy person, trying to remember what the sidewalk felt like or the wind smells like. I am in a prison. I've tried forcing myself out, drugging myself, even calling my friends and telling them to break a window to get in if they have to, only to threaten them if they dont go away when they get here.

    I only post here on these forums, because my logic also tells me not to rule anything out before making a decision. I don't think itd be fair to at least not try to be persuaded not to finalize my choice. If anyone really wants to help me here, please, just explain to me, what is going on? I need someone to relate to. I know if I can understand this, I can beat it. I know suicide IS a way out, but my first choice is obviously to live a better life and not hurt my family.

    I am sorry for rambling. I guess its not easy for anyone to sum up their life problems in a few sentences. Take care everyone.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    First of all, welcome to SF. :hug: You don't ever have to apologize for posting.

    You said you've been on different meds, but have you considered any sort of therapy? I know that would be difficult because of the situation you're in right now. But a therapist might be able to help you talk out why you're feeling this way.
  3. Prisoner1

    Prisoner1 Member

    Yeah, I've been in therapy for years. I actually stopped going 2 years ago. I just can't do it anymore. What is therapy anyway? I see the guy once every couple weeks, he takes my money, listens to my problems, gives me some generic advice I could have given myself.

    Sorry, I don't mean to do the "no, that won't work" thing. I can imagine you must see that alot. Like I said, I'm not looking for solutions, mostly just an answer as to why, or someone with a similar problem. Although my intentions are geniune, I don't think I share the same negative outlook on ending things for myself, so please don't feel bad for the fact that I'd like to do so. I myself see it as a release from all of my worries, and Im ok with it, really. If anything, just pray whats happened to me doesn't happen to others. I'm sorry if I don't sense. I don't sleep much and its been days, so I can ramble sometimes.
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I can hear the pain you are in and wanted you to know I read your post....
    I really feel for you but please don't hurt yourself again....

    If for no other reason stay for your family....If you go you will transfer your pain to them and their lives will be so much worse than they are just worrying about you now...at least they have you alive now...

    I've lost a child to suicide so I know..

    Maybe time to get yourself a new doctor, therapist or even go into hospital...

    I hope you can find some help and stay....You deserve a better life.
  5. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    I know you have had at least two years to contemplate all your options, so anything I could say, you probably have explored that option in your mind.

    But the experience option you have not explored. That is where the healing is. You have to try and escape your prison. Not think about it. Till now, thinking too much has been your problem. Now you have to act on what is right. It's the only way out of your prison.

    You really want to live, and to be happy.
    You don't want to die.
    If you are confined to your room, take a few steps outside of your room, and congratulate yourself for even the smallest accomplishment.

    Keep a log of all your activities that you are doing towards setting yourself free. The date, a description and how you feel before and during the activity. And how you feel afterwards. You will say that is too simple. Don't dismiss it however. Activity will be your main tool to get out of your prison. You already are a great thinker. Keep going for a few days, until you reach the front door. Then congratulate yourself. after a few days, close the front door and sit at the front stoop or in front of the house. Maybe for 5 minutes. If a neighbor or stranger passes by, force yourself to stay, and if they greet you, force yourself to greet them back.

    The idea is to push yourself a few steps further every day, rewarding yourself for all your accomplishments. If you panic or fail in anyway, remind yourself of all your recent victories, and tell yourself how strong you have been. Comfort yourself. Tell yourself the next day you will accomplish this step. Be kind to yourself during these exercises, and don't criticize yourself.

    The point is, in a few days you might make it outside the door, a few weeks around the block, and in a month, you can take a trip with your family to a small restaurant where you can have something special. You build up until you get to another level. Big is not what you are going for now, just progress and the knowing that you can do it. Get the drift? Activity and kind encouragement from yourself can get you to face the fears that are holding you prisoner. And if you have a supporting friend who will be with you and not criticize you, that will be even better.
    I'll help you in any way I can.
  6. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    Prisoner I know what you are talking about. Far as I know it's called SOD. Social Anxiety Disorder. It's a terrible thing that can ruin lives. I've dealt with it to some extent. And I've managed to limit it's power over me with years of practice. I know exactly how it feels. It's not rational. It's just there. You should look it up and research what it's about there is a few websites that tell about the way to go about curing it. I believe cognitive-behavioral therapy may be the best option for you.

    Try this link here to get you started.

    there is much information out there if you do a search. The important thing to note is there is treatment available for this problem and I would try treating your problem before thinking about suicide. It's not uncommon for people with SOD to consider suicide because of it's devastating effects.

    let us know how you go with your research. There is a way and a possibility for you to lead a normal life again.
  7. Prisoner1

    Prisoner1 Member

    Thank you everyone. Surprised to see the depth of help you offer. I'm sorry to see you here too, because I know no good event in your life could have brought you here.

    Raphael, you have sparked my interest to say the least. Up until now I have been told I have depression and even agoraphobia, but SOD makes ALOT more sense. I read up on this, and I am positive this is what I have. I think between you and FlowingRiver I have a solution, but I honestly don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I WANT to. I know that is weird to say... but I have to admit I have grown pretty hopeless. I have tried for two years to do something as simple as get the mail, but I'm literally scared shitless. I feel like a child, setting my goals so low, but I know that not even attempting is worse.

    The other thing is, I have been extremely depressed lately. Thinking about any of this stuff immediately makes me contemplate going through with 'it'. I have already ruined so much of my life and lost so many of the people I cared about. I understand their reasons for giving up on me, I really do. But the fact that my 'tactic' of completely giving up has stopped me from worrying. However I know at a certain point, I will no longer be able to just stay indoors and rely on no-one. This is where my thoughts of suicide came from. With my giving up on trying, I stopped worrying, and just decided that whenever the time came to face the world, I would just take my leave on it. I'm worried now that if I 'try', I will be putting myself in the most torturous situations I have avoided all this time, depress myself with a flood of anxiety, and do something impulsive. I've been down that same road of events before with disastrous results.

    I will attempt to have a friend come over tomorrow. I will have the booze ready because I'll probably need it to stay committed to letting him in. It's been 2 years since I've had contact with anyone directly, so chances are things will be generically dramatic and emotional. My anxiety is sure to probably come closing to killing me if even if I don't do it myself. I am panicked just thinking about it now. I hope I can talk to you guys later if things don't go well. Thanks again.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 12, 2010
  8. Prisoner1

    Prisoner1 Member

    Things didn't go so well. I didn't end up letting my friend in, and it just pissed him off. My anxiety got the better of me. It completely controls my decision making, rendering every inkling of motivation from myself nonexistant.

    Anyway, it appears there is a funny side to suicide. I was depressed after he left, and I started thinking about how I wanted to do it. I decided to tie a belt to the fan and put it around my neck, not to actually do it, but to see if its how I wanted to go. Well long story short the fan got ripped out of the ceiling and I felt stupid. I guess I am too big or something. That has always been my problem. Too big. Last time I tried, I took just about 300 tylenol and 8 weeks worth of Lexapro. I puked a little bit up (couldn't keep it down) and after that I just felt high as a kite. They really aren't kidding when they say its a hard thing to do.

    I am just curious, if I do decide to endulge, what is the least painful fail-proof method? I at least ask you guys to provide me with a painless way if I do give in. I promise, having an easier way out won't motivate me any more. If I did decide to do it, pain would not stop me from doing so, so long as it's not excruciating of course. So I might as well go with painless.

    Anyway, I have to go. My anxiety has the better of me right now and I need to calm down.
  9. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    prisoner this is a serious problem you have to overcome and it's a big challenge. What country are you in and maybe I can look up the proper people you need to help you with this. I found a site from Australia which is where I'm from but I'm guessing your not from Australia. I think you have a serious case of SOD. It's treatable.

    There is other people with the same problem. You're not alone.

    I think letting your friend come over was to big a step. Now you know you are too heavy for the fan don't worry about it lol. Don't even try it.

    We can't discuss methods that are painless because it's a pro life forum. However if I can motivate you to face the situation I think the rewards for you will outweigh the depression that you feel when you are not coping with the illness.

    If we can set up a time to online chat or pm me, give me your msn if you have one. I want to attempt to help you with this.

    Be hopeful that you can move forward, and just know that I'm here for support. Don't give up. Send me a message. Keep me updated. I want to get the right help for you.

    Start at the beginning, and don't let past failures stop you from overcoming this. With the right treatment you will be able to cope with this.
  10. Prisoner1

    Prisoner1 Member

    I am from the states, Raph. I wouldn't mind a personal chat as long as its not a therapy session (I hate being generically categorized). I guess I should not be picky though, seeing as how you, a complete stranger, gives half a damn. You sound like a good guy so I am willing to hear what you have to say. Believe it or not though I will be busy for the next few days. I have some things to get out of the way before I embark on any kind of contemplation. Thanks man.
  11. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hi Prisoner1, how are you doing? I hope you are feeling better today. Sounds as though you have imprisoned yourself. You have given yourself a life sentence, without probation, no parole and no clemency. You are the worse judge. If you were to do that to another, it would be a harsh sentence. Even some murderers have a term limit.
    You have to get yourself released from this harsh prison sentence, before it becomes a life sentence.

    The longest journey starts with one step. It's simple but don't dismiss the simplicity. Baby steps, baby steps. If you were to take one step today, two tomorrow, four the next day, eight the following, doubling the steps each day, exponentially, by the end of the month you will become like the average person, I believe. In less than a week you will probably have reached your mailbox, then the next week you would have gone around the block, and in a two weeks you'll able to visit a place you can enjoy.

    Reward yourself with a treat you like, a book you want to tread, a DVD you want to see or something special to you, no matter how small the progress that day.

    If you fail, as you will often, especially in the beginning, remind yourself how far you have come. Whatever you do, don't criticize yourself. Tell yourself how strong you are for trying and getting out of the house and going just a few steps. Be kind to yourself.

    Basically, it's like becoming a parent to yourself, and teaching your fearful self how to feel comfortable and you must treat yourself like you are a child learning how to face the world. You encourage children if you are a good parent kindly and with praises, do the same with your inner child.:hugtackles:
  12. Blue_Sky

    Blue_Sky Well-Known Member

    I know exactly that feeling. The panic and anxiety is so draining, just thinking about it now is making me a little anxious. I can totally feel your pain and it makes me sad. I was house bound for a long time, I never went out, I was too afraid to cross the street by myself or go anywhere without being accompanied by my parents and even then that wasn't very comfortable, was scared to answer phones. I've had no friends since the age of 13. It's something it seems i've been born with and has controlled my life for 20 years, most of those years I was not aware of what it was so I didn't receive any help which is why i've had it for as long as I have, but within the last 5 years I have been trying to work on it and its incredibly difficult, I'm not where I'd like to be but I'm so much better off than where I was 5 years ago, killing myself is not the main goal in my life anymore.

    It's hard to give advice because it is a complicated thing. I went through a phase of agoraphobia but I think its more social anxiety, or more specificly speaking anxiety, or a mixture, to be honest I really don't even know what it is anymore and I have no interest in putting a label on it. I tried therapy breifly, I think 6 weeks, it was really pointless for me, the advice was very wish washy and I can't remember talking about anything of significance. I've tried a few medications but that was not much help either.

    Taking small steps is really all you can do, they start to add up over time. College at one point was not an option for me, the thought of even being on campus let alone in a classroom was overwhelming, but I went with my parents a few times, then eventually went there by myself and eventually attended a couple classes. I cried and wanted to die after the first day and was going to quit, but I knew the first couple weeks would be the hardest and if I could get through that the rest wouldn't be as difficult. I'm 24 and I'm older than a lot of students there and I've only been able to be part time and not full time. I keep quiting classes, summer semesters. I've gotten up in the middle of a class and walked out and quit the class because of the panic. It's devastating to quit cause I really want to be there, but every semester I try to go back and do it again. I do feel childish as well, a lot of people younger than me are way ahead of me, but finishing late is better than never.

    I really understand what you're saying about how your mind works logically, that's how mine works as well. Mentally, i'm kind of there, there are times where I actually feel fine and go into a situation feeling okay about it but its like my body is not there yet or works seperately and it goes haywire and like the panic is an entity existing independantly from my mind, but I don't think that can be possible, maybe it is just very deeply embedded in my subconscious. Years ago when I was beginning to drive I was paranoid about someone planting a voice recorder in the car, I logically understood this to be ridiculous and would dismiss it, but my body would tense up from the fear that there really was someone putting one in.

    A really important thing to do that I've become aware of recently is to BREATHE. Do not underestimate this. I was not breathing most of the time in these situations, i'd become very lightheaded and unable to speak, speaking in situations has been my biggest difficulty. I became more conscious of how often I would stop breathing and be holding my breath I do this a lot less now but at times find myself still doing it, this is something you need to be aware of. Not breathing creates blockages, and a sign you are resisting life. Being aware of this and practicing breathing exercises has cleared my mind a lot, I feel more calm, it helps trust me.
  13. Prisoner1

    Prisoner1 Member

    Thank you Flowing. Your outlook on my whole situation seems to be best. Theres no way I can take big steps right now. I don't know how I can even take any. BlueSky, finally, someone to relate to. What you've described is exactly what I've experienced as I've experienced it. The holding of the breath, the senseless but impacting paranoia of someone watching/listening. It's all there.

    I want to go to college so badly. I too made it there a few times, but I might as well have been naked on a cross in front of the whole world with the way I felt. The word I use to describe it is a "flood". I can be fine one minute, but the moment I am put into a social situation, my blood boils and lava courses through my veins, a wave of uneasiness washes over me from head to toe, and I freeze: unable to move/think/talk. On outward appearance I must seem like something is 'wrong'. But inside I am truly dying, wishing I never existed. The irony of it all is that I too know it makes no sense. I know that my friends would never intentionally hurt me and that everyone wants the best for me.

    To describe my situation to anyone else, I guess I can give a scenario. I'll try to keep it light: Imagine you are walking down the street, and a person with a rather large head walks by. Whether or not you are going to say to that person "you have a large head", you still THINK it. That negative thought about them is STILL there in your thought process somewhere. The fact is, I know people think like this, and these thoughts are amplified by 1000 for me. Even though they won't come out with it, people do still think and notice things, and I know this, and this is what my malfunction is all about. A person glancing at me, someone I'm talking to on the phone, even a random car driving by. I know it's ridiculous, but I feel their thoughts are only negative about me, and it effects me exponentially more than it should. I am NO metrosexual, believe me. I believe in being myself. And I know even if I was perfect in my own image, these thoughts would not go away.

    Up until now, I have been wholly decided on eventually departing this world, and honestly was quite at peace with the decision. I still am. I still might. All I know now is that someone else has shared this experience and that is all I've been looking for: someone to relate to. I felt so alone up until talking to you BlueSky, especially since I'm sure you know how difficult it is to talk about problems like this with other people face to face. If we could talk more or even just share more stories, I think it would greatly help me. You sound like me, only with your problems half gone. I want to get to that point. Could you please share with me some of what you've tried, because I feel like I've tried everything, and I'm at the end of my rope. Thanks.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 15, 2010
  14. Blue_Sky

    Blue_Sky Well-Known Member

    How you described that is pretty right on. The second their eyeballs are on me my body becomes paralyzed and I stop breathing, I say eyeballs because their eyes are all I can feel, its like thats where their thoughts are coming out or something. I remember when I was 5 and a teacher asked me why I did not talk and I said something like because people look at me, so the next day she demanded all the students to stare at the floor and not look at me while she asked me something. I was mortified, and of course that did not make how I felt any better and I still could not speak because of the paralysis, but I guess she was trying to help.

    I used to have no hope for the future too, I had planned not to live past my 18th birthday or if I chickened out i'd check into a mental hospital, but that wasn't really a permanent solution and I didn't really belong in one. That year is kind of a blur to me, I remember thats when I started finding out it was a disorder and other people experience it, that was news to me, I started reading books about it and wrote down the advice in them. Tried some medication, therapy was out of the question but over time i began to consider it and then tried it, but it wasn't for me. After those things didn't work, I was still extremely depressed, angry, and hated life and everything. It was all bubbling up inside of me that at one point I just began to write down every angry, hateful, comepletely senseless, crazy sounding thought I had. If you don't already write in a journal, I really recommend it. In the beginning it was all jibberish, but it lead to more thoughtful questions, and then answers to those questions. That was the beginning of a lot of soul searching for me. It made me more curious about life, and that introduced me to new things. Now I see how narrow my view of life was and I see things a lot differently now. It was something that happened gradually over a course of time, it didn't all come to me in a few months.

    I've tried some alternative therapies, like accupuncture, herbs, they were ok but I don't believe in outside methods being cures, maybe for mild disorders, but more severe issues have deeper causes that require lots of introspection.
    (Edit: I just wanted to clarify this point, I don't mean to say you should stop seeking out therapies or medication, they do help, just don't depend on them soley as a cure. Also exercise is good, and everyone knows that, but I've noticed lately there's something especially about pushing the body to near exhaustion that increases the benefit it has on my mind. Yeah, it's not going to change your life, but every bit helps.)

    This is something I still have to work on, I get bad days, but I am much more hopeful and genuinely happy at times, I feel like i'm actually getting somewhere. There are set backs, but they pass and i'm able to get back on my feet again. I'd love to help you in any way I can and share some more adivce. If you have any questions or have anything else you want to share, please pm me or feel free to post your thoughts, I would be honered.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 16, 2010
  15. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    I know for some people looking into someone's eyes can be extremely painful.
    For some, it's also a symptom of Asperger.
  16. Prisoner1

    Prisoner1 Member

    Hello again everyone. I just got an automated email from this site wishing me a happy birthday. For the first time in years, I think I might actually have one.

    Since I joined this place, I blindly took the motivational advice of the people that have replied to my initial plea for help. It is working. I speak to you know, a full grown 6'5" 250lb man with tears streaming down my face. Don't worry, they are only because I am happy that I am finally solving my problem. It would normally be embarrassing for me to say something so emotional, but I have learned to open up and speak about my feelings. This has helped me in a huge way.

    As you might know by reading, my particular case was that of intense feelings of being alone and paranoia in immeasurable amounts when interacting socially with anyone. As I said, I shut up my thoughts long enough to put the first foot forward. I wont lie. It was hard as hell. I wanted to just give up and go back to saying "f--- everyone" and live with my problem comfortably. But as time went on, my anxiety and paranoia dissipated. It is still there a tiny bit. I feel it now and then. But the ability to laugh at what I was like then compared to how I am now... that is worth a million lifetimes.

    I owe 100% of my recovery to the helpful people who replied to my post here. You may not know it, but this was my last ditch effort. I actually gave up at one point and tried unsuccessfully to commit suicide with a few bottles of prescription pills. The only thing that saved me was my brother-inlaw who happens to be a paramedic. I came back here after that to give it one more try. To really commit ONCE more. I always figured that if it didn't work, I wouldn't care for very long because, well, death was my plan B.

    I just came back because I want you caring people to realize that you have wholly saved my life, not just in the sense of life VS. death, but in a sense of outlook and hope. To put it into words that might impact you more, I was a step away from the end, and the most simple post consisting of a few sentences from you guys has prevented that. So thank you.

    Today I am going out for my first birthday with anyone in years. I know the attention will be on me today, something I used to fear. But I will prove to everyone and myself that that is no longer who I am. I love you few for helping me and I will be back one day soon when I feel I can return the favor.

    If any of you would like to contact me in the meantime, my contact info is below:

    EMAIL - RobMonteverdi@gmail.com
    YOUTUBE - RobMonty1987
    MSN MESSENGER - Rocketman.87@hotmail.com

    Thanks again for literally turning my life around before I ruined it for myself.
  17. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Prisoner1, I well relate to you.. I have been locked away in my bedroom over 20 years..I have paranoia,agoriphobia, socialphobia, mood swings, depression, anxiety,irrational thoughts, and borderline skyzophrenia.. My only friends are the ones I made here..It took them six years to find the right combination of meds..I also went thru five years of therapy..I'm afraid to go outside..But thru the therapy I have been able to go out early in the mornings..Thats when I get my errands run..I have trust issues also..My advice is to work with your shrink and find the right meds for you..Good Luck..
  18. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    that was a really uplifting post prisoner1...I am so happy for you and I hope your life continues to improve..
    Happy Birthday to you for whenever it was/is...enjoy!!
    you have made amazing steps for your well being...
    well done! :smile:
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