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Hello from Hazel

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Hazel Morse, Dec 14, 2013.

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  1. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Hazel Morse isn't my real name, it's taken from Dorothy Parker's short story Big Blonde. I really identify with this character, who has good reasons to be unhappy with her life but is told to "snap out of it" each time she expresses any feelings of sadness. She eventually tries and fails to commit suicide.

    I'm just beginning to realise the extent of the physical and emotional abuse I went through growing up, but it's left me so socially maladjusted that I am now in the position where I have no friends (that’s zero), the only relatives who will speak to me are my abusive mother and stepfather, no boyfriend or husband, no children, I have spoiled my job prospects (apparently forever) and I cannot function normally in society. I'm too poor to get a cat or dog. I do have a job (that I hate, and an abusive workplace) but that looks to be all over in 6 months. Like Hazel, I've tried and failed to commit suicide twice now. I also drink, like Hazel, but not as a coping mechanism. I drink because it's a legal, slow way of committing suicide. I wish I could get my hands on real drugs and do it faster, but I have no friends, and don't know where I'd purchase them.

    There is something...I don't know, so apparently foul, wretched, disgusting about me that everyone reacts negatively to the things I say and do, even when I think I'm acting like everyone else. It's like there's a sign written on my forehead that says "Worthless. This is not a human being, this is a piece of shit - less than shit, really. Abuse her. Make her know how useless her life is; how much space she's taking up on the planet." The strange thing is, that trying to commit suicide, or even admitting to feelings of depression, makes people hate and punish me more.

    Therapists react to me just like everyone else does. The last time I tried to commit suicide, when I woke up in ER the nurse saw me open my eyes, walked over and spat in my face, then walked away without saying a word. I suppose that was supposed to make me reconsider life. I was then put in an unheated room where the walls, floor and sink were smeared with piss, shit, and globs of menstrual blood. It made me feel like I was being punished. When the psychiatrist came to see me, she spoke to me, interrogated me as if I were a criminal. I asked her why someone as horrible as me had to live at all. She snapped back: "You just have to!" Um, OK then. Other psychologists and psychiatrists have said a lot worse, though. One called me "the waster" to my face (because he thought I had wasted my life - haha, even my doctor thinks I'm a loser).

    That was 5 years ago. I'm just turned 35. I've been depressed since I was 16. I've had suicidal thoughts since I was 17. I've tried about 12 rounds of therapy, with various professionals. Except for two, they've just handed me a pair of emotional and social bootstraps, or told me draw on resources I don't have ("Talk to a friend!" Except I haven't got any?).

    That's really why I'm here... to see if anyone can answer the question I put to the doctor in the psych ward. I have nothing, no family, no friends, no prospects. I'm ugly, fat and a loser. I just don't understand why I have to be alive.

    Sorry this is so long - if it belongs somewhere else please let me know.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Hazel please please know these people who harm you they are not people they are just monsters ok not you You are someone so please quit saying that you are not I don't know where y ou live but no nurse or doctor has the right to judge you or treat y ou like that I wish you could report them for what they did I hope coming here you can talk to us and make some friends here ok Don't let these animals that harm you have any power ok I hear you pain and your sadness and i wish i could take it away for you You are alive because you deserve to be here just as much as the rest of us do hun Just by posting here you have purpose you have helped others that have been treated the same way see that it is not always them that is at fault it is the ones in power who abuse it that are at fault hugs to you
  3. bearclaw27

    bearclaw27 Member

    I also went through years of physical and emotional abuse, and I have lost most of my friends and family.. I have extremely low self esteem and I am chronically depressed. About the only thing that keeps me alive is caring about my gf whom I met on an internet dating site..

    That said Hazel, I would like to suggest to you to try internet dating sites.. There are plenty of men out there who aren't looking for a supermodel, and many men who are attracted to girls with some extra pounds on them.. Internet dating would also provide you with an avenue to meet and converse with new people..

    Based upon your post (which was extremely well written), I can see that you are very articulate, and that is a trait which will help you converse with, and attract many people..

    My advice is to take a shot at finding someone thru the web.. you have nothing to lose, and it just might help you turn your life around..

    Good luck, and God Bless...........
  4. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your reply. I really try to wrap my head around the idea that people "deserve to be here" but it's hard to reconcile it with the way I'm treated. I sometimes do think it's the other people, not me, that are monsters, but someone comes along and points out that the common denominator is me.

    It is true that reading stories similar to mine online have helped me. I read recently about someone who failed to commit suicide, when she returned from the psych hospital her brother took all her possessions out in the garden and burnt them in front of her. When I was in the psych ward during my second suicide attempt my mother went to my flat and cut up a lot of my clothes and papers and anything she could lay her hands on; they were strewn all over the floor when I returned. I don't know why it made me feel better to hear that nearly the same thing had happened to someone else, but it did...
  5. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Thank you... that is good advice; although a little scary because my internet skills are shite - took me almost a year to figure out how to post here!
  6. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    Hazel, I apologize in the name of those who hurt you, it sounds like you are living hell and everyone outside of that hell has not been any better. I'm sorry for that.

    When I felt I couldn't trust any other human being, I looked for God, I prayed to him, talked to him, read about him and his sufferings, learned from him how to deal with abuse, how he went all the way to death in a cross, because of others hating him.

    He said "remember that the world hated me, before it hated you".

    I hope you find a way out of the hell you are living and will pray for you, I will also pray for your abusers to change and treat you right. It is not ok to let others abuse you, but sometimes it's hard to get out, there are options out there, reach out to shelters, women resource centers and they will help you, forget about your relationship with these people, they are not family....

    God bless you.
  7. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    :welcome: to SF Hazel

  8. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    Sounds like from that ^^^^ you want to buy frirnds but re-reading it I see you mean drugs

    If it is friends you wish to buy Hazel they wont be real friends by definition

    tc Hazel

    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 30, 2014
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