Hello from Israel

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by mbczion, Jul 5, 2013.

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  1. mbczion

    mbczion Well-Known Member

    I am posting from Israel. Here is my story: my wife (soon to be ex) dropped the bomb on my lap on March 15 (about 3 1/2 months ago and just two weeks before our 12th wedding anniversary). She told me she has a lawyer and is filing for divorce. Too be honest, I hadn't been happy in this marriage for the past few years, but I couldn't bring myself to divorce my wife because of our two children. My children (ten year old daughter and six year old son) are my life and universe. I was planning on suffering through this miserable marriage for another 12 years (until our younger one graduated high-school) for the sake of my children. I didn't want to feel like I was abandoning my children at such tender ages.

    My wife, however, had other plans. She beat me to the punch by 12 years. Our goal is for this divorce to be settled as amicably as possible. We are trying to resolve this divorce outside of court. We have a mediator who is working on an agreement that my STBX (soon to be ex) and I can live with. However both my STBX's lawyer and the mediator decided that my STBX and I cannot afford to get divorced until we sell our home. So, for now, we are stuck living together. In a way, this is good because it is that much longer I get to live with my kids. I am not in a hurry to leave them. However, my STBX is becoming increasingly unbearable by the day. First she was trying to intimidate me to move out even though there is no court order, nor have either of us (let alone both of us) signed an agreement (or sold the apartment). This past Sunday she started threatening to move out (didn't say with or without the kids). As of now, she hasn't, but I am scared she will take off with our kids.

    On top of everything, we are in debt above our heads. I have been busting my butt working two jobs for many years, while my STBX sat on her bottom side, drank coffee and yapped on the phone with her friends all day (even after both our children were in school full time). So, we are in debt way over our heads and even after/if we manage to sell our apartment, a good portion of our profit will go towards paying off these debts. Truth is in this marriage I have felt more like a single parent of three kids, rather than a married man with two kids. I hate to say it but my STBX is a nut case. Even her own mother (who adores me and is still in touch with me) said her daughter is "mentally ill and mean".

    To top it off, divorced fathers in Israel have very few, if any rights: http://www.israelnewsagency.com/unu...amilycourtsministryjusticejewish48061111.html

    In a nutshell I am scared, depressed, alone, feel worthless, like a good for nothing, and a thousand and one other feelings.

    And yes, I have had thoughts of suicide.

    As of now, there are five things stopping me:

    1) My children - I couldn't imagine doing this to them. It might be an easy way out for me, but my kids would have to carry this burden for the rest of their lives and start wondering "did I contribute in any way to my father's suicide?" (which couldn't be further from the truth; my children give me whom to live for)

    2) My parents - I also couldn't imagine doing this to them and aside from missing me would have to carry the burden of guilt for the rest of their lives ("we didn't do enough", "we weren't there for him when he needed us", etc. etc.)

    3) I don't have the guts. I have read about too many horror stories of people who tried to commit suicide and only ended up being vegetables or paralyzed for the rest of their lives.

    4) If I try to commit suicide and don't succeed I will be diagnosed as mentally insane and not be allowed to see my children (maybe save under supervision for a few hours a month is some psychiatric ward).

    5) I am an Orthodox Jew and suicide is against my religion. I TRULY fear the wrath of G-d in store for me if I commit suicide and what would wait for me in the World to come.

    However, even with these five fears I have still been on the edge and have pictured myself committing suicide in different ways. So, I am glad I found this forum. If nothing else, writing is a good therapy for me.

    Thanks for reading....
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry for the system that makes fathers get treated so unfairly. I really do not feel like saying sorry for the divorce as it is clear that may be best for you and likely best for the children as well. Living in a loveless house is not sparing the children anything. Focus your efforts on getting the best possible terms and shared custody or visitation possible and use the fact she is so anxious to leverage those terms to your favor.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    There isn't much I can add to what Ben has already said, but I jus twanted to say that I'm glad you found us. I hope we can serve as a means of support for you.
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Shalom and hope you are OK now...on top of all of this, will she give you a gett? That is another form of manipulation that is used...have you gone to Jewish court to attest to your stability and her state? Here in the US, there is a significant Jewish network to work in the best interest of the children...I live in Brooklyn, near Williamsburg and Boro Park, so I have some contact with these organizations...did you consult your rabbi to also get support for your continued parenting? Please continue to post and BH things will work out best for you and your children...with caring
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 5, 2013
  5. mbczion

    mbczion Well-Known Member

    Thanks for all the replies. I do agree that this divorce (painful and heartbreaking as it is) is for the best. My concern is continuing to be the best father (NOT "visitor") I can for my kids.

    Sadeyes, the plan is that after we sell our apartment, can afford to get divorced, and sign the agreement (civil agreement) we will then go to the Rabbinate to get divorced according to Jewish law.

    Thanks for all the well wishes.

    שלום וכל טוב
     
  6. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    hi.

    welcome to SF
     
  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Glad she will give you a Jewish divorce as well...while you are good terms, get that in writing...as you know, things can deteriorate and people can deny what they say...your kids are so fortunate to have you in their lives...all the best
     
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Shalom. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. And very sorry that your STBX is so disrespectful and self centered. I do not have any words of wisdom other than to say I hope that in the future you can find a woman with whom you can have a mutually respecful, loving and dedicated partnership. You deserve that. I know there are a lot of financial concerns now. And you certainly do not want to live apart from your children. I hope your future will be better than you could possibly imagine right now.
     
  9. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Mb was good to meet and talk a bit in chat today.. Divorce can be just bloody terrible and devastating to all. Agree with you some that divorce may e needed and best now in the long run.. Your wife has not been doing her part to make this marriage work!!

    Get it in writing from wife if that is in your advantage..also if thoughts of killing yourself get emergent and now please try to get yourself some professional help rite now..take care, Jim
     
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, just wanted to welcome you to the site :hug:
     
  11. mbczion

    mbczion Well-Known Member

    Thanks again for all the welcomes and nice meeting you in chat today, Jim. Thank goodness we have a hotline here (1201) in case I can't hold out until I get an appointment with a professional. I am glad I found this site as well though.

    May you all hang in there as well and have a good week.
     
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