I am posting from Israel. Here is my story: my wife (soon to be ex) dropped the bomb on my lap on March 15 (about 3 1/2 months ago and just two weeks before our 12th wedding anniversary). She told me she has a lawyer and is filing for divorce. Too be honest, I hadn't been happy in this marriage for the past few years, but I couldn't bring myself to divorce my wife because of our two children. My children (ten year old daughter and six year old son) are my life and universe. I was planning on suffering through this miserable marriage for another 12 years (until our younger one graduated high-school) for the sake of my children. I didn't want to feel like I was abandoning my children at such tender ages.
My wife, however, had other plans. She beat me to the punch by 12 years. Our goal is for this divorce to be settled as amicably as possible. We are trying to resolve this divorce outside of court. We have a mediator who is working on an agreement that my STBX (soon to be ex) and I can live with. However both my STBX's lawyer and the mediator decided that my STBX and I cannot afford to get divorced until we sell our home. So, for now, we are stuck living together. In a way, this is good because it is that much longer I get to live with my kids. I am not in a hurry to leave them. However, my STBX is becoming increasingly unbearable by the day. First she was trying to intimidate me to move out even though there is no court order, nor have either of us (let alone both of us) signed an agreement (or sold the apartment). This past Sunday she started threatening to move out (didn't say with or without the kids). As of now, she hasn't, but I am scared she will take off with our kids.
On top of everything, we are in debt above our heads. I have been busting my butt working two jobs for many years, while my STBX sat on her bottom side, drank coffee and yapped on the phone with her friends all day (even after both our children were in school full time). So, we are in debt way over our heads and even after/if we manage to sell our apartment, a good portion of our profit will go towards paying off these debts. Truth is in this marriage I have felt more like a single parent of three kids, rather than a married man with two kids. I hate to say it but my STBX is a nut case. Even her own mother (who adores me and is still in touch with me) said her daughter is "mentally ill and mean".
To top it off, divorced fathers in Israel have very few, if any rights: http://www.israelnewsagency.com/unu...amilycourtsministryjusticejewish48061111.html
In a nutshell I am scared, depressed, alone, feel worthless, like a good for nothing, and a thousand and one other feelings.
And yes, I have had thoughts of suicide.
As of now, there are five things stopping me:
1) My children - I couldn't imagine doing this to them. It might be an easy way out for me, but my kids would have to carry this burden for the rest of their lives and start wondering "did I contribute in any way to my father's suicide?" (which couldn't be further from the truth; my children give me whom to live for)
2) My parents - I also couldn't imagine doing this to them and aside from missing me would have to carry the burden of guilt for the rest of their lives ("we didn't do enough", "we weren't there for him when he needed us", etc. etc.)
3) I don't have the guts. I have read about too many horror stories of people who tried to commit suicide and only ended up being vegetables or paralyzed for the rest of their lives.
4) If I try to commit suicide and don't succeed I will be diagnosed as mentally insane and not be allowed to see my children (maybe save under supervision for a few hours a month is some psychiatric ward).
5) I am an Orthodox Jew and suicide is against my religion. I TRULY fear the wrath of G-d in store for me if I commit suicide and what would wait for me in the World to come.
However, even with these five fears I have still been on the edge and have pictured myself committing suicide in different ways. So, I am glad I found this forum. If nothing else, writing is a good therapy for me.
Thanks for reading....
My wife, however, had other plans. She beat me to the punch by 12 years. Our goal is for this divorce to be settled as amicably as possible. We are trying to resolve this divorce outside of court. We have a mediator who is working on an agreement that my STBX (soon to be ex) and I can live with. However both my STBX's lawyer and the mediator decided that my STBX and I cannot afford to get divorced until we sell our home. So, for now, we are stuck living together. In a way, this is good because it is that much longer I get to live with my kids. I am not in a hurry to leave them. However, my STBX is becoming increasingly unbearable by the day. First she was trying to intimidate me to move out even though there is no court order, nor have either of us (let alone both of us) signed an agreement (or sold the apartment). This past Sunday she started threatening to move out (didn't say with or without the kids). As of now, she hasn't, but I am scared she will take off with our kids.
On top of everything, we are in debt above our heads. I have been busting my butt working two jobs for many years, while my STBX sat on her bottom side, drank coffee and yapped on the phone with her friends all day (even after both our children were in school full time). So, we are in debt way over our heads and even after/if we manage to sell our apartment, a good portion of our profit will go towards paying off these debts. Truth is in this marriage I have felt more like a single parent of three kids, rather than a married man with two kids. I hate to say it but my STBX is a nut case. Even her own mother (who adores me and is still in touch with me) said her daughter is "mentally ill and mean".
To top it off, divorced fathers in Israel have very few, if any rights: http://www.israelnewsagency.com/unu...amilycourtsministryjusticejewish48061111.html
In a nutshell I am scared, depressed, alone, feel worthless, like a good for nothing, and a thousand and one other feelings.
And yes, I have had thoughts of suicide.
As of now, there are five things stopping me:
1) My children - I couldn't imagine doing this to them. It might be an easy way out for me, but my kids would have to carry this burden for the rest of their lives and start wondering "did I contribute in any way to my father's suicide?" (which couldn't be further from the truth; my children give me whom to live for)
2) My parents - I also couldn't imagine doing this to them and aside from missing me would have to carry the burden of guilt for the rest of their lives ("we didn't do enough", "we weren't there for him when he needed us", etc. etc.)
3) I don't have the guts. I have read about too many horror stories of people who tried to commit suicide and only ended up being vegetables or paralyzed for the rest of their lives.
4) If I try to commit suicide and don't succeed I will be diagnosed as mentally insane and not be allowed to see my children (maybe save under supervision for a few hours a month is some psychiatric ward).
5) I am an Orthodox Jew and suicide is against my religion. I TRULY fear the wrath of G-d in store for me if I commit suicide and what would wait for me in the World to come.
However, even with these five fears I have still been on the edge and have pictured myself committing suicide in different ways. So, I am glad I found this forum. If nothing else, writing is a good therapy for me.
Thanks for reading....