Hello from Minnesota

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Tim., Nov 1, 2009.

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  1. Tim.

    Tim. SF Emoti-King

    I'm a little long-winded, so I'll give the short version first: there's been something wrong with me for a long time, and it's getting worse.

    Also, I appreciate any kind words, but they're not necessary. I am mostly looking to find people that have similar experiences to see how they deal with it and what might help. If that's you please send me a message or reply here.

    Maybe I can help someone too. I think I like helping people when I can.

    Anyway, the rest of this is for the record...

    I've read people talking here, and I feel really bad for some people because they have real problems. People that got hurt by people they care about. I read that someone is abused by their family or supposed friends and I understand how hard that can be, and I admire the fact that they can deal with it as well as they can.

    But at the same time, it's understandable why they are upset. The world around them is cruel and I tend to think that if they can only get in a better position they will be fine.

    My problems are with me.

    I don't understand why I have the problems I do. I have a 'support group' that cares about me. I disconnect for a few days and my parents are showing up at my door, my brother and sister are calling me, and my friends are asking me if I'm okay. This when I've never even talked to any of them about being depressed.

    I have every advantage in the world. I went to a prestigious college, followed by a prestigious university for a professional degree. I was gifted with enough intelligence to do well at both places while missing months at a time. I missed entire semesters and did better than almost all of my hardworking friends.

    But everytime I get involved in something I don't tell anyone what's going on inside because if they knew they'd know I was more trouble than I'm worth. And I end up failing them because they believe me when I tell them that everything is fine.

    I got a job out of school that would make me a wealthy man, and I was very good at it. But my own problems killed that job. A phone call later I had an equally well-paying career ahead of me and I messed that up for the same reasons. Not long after I had another job that works because I get paid as well as before for my time but is flexible and part time at my discretion.

    I've been to therapy and on drugs for treatment. There have been some postive moments with that and otherwise. But few and far between. And fewer and further between as time goes on.

    When I first went to therapy, and for a long time, I would say that I had suicidal thoughts, but that I would never act on them. I can't say that anymore. I always figured, "why kill myself when I still have money in the bank and things to do?" At least I would wait until I had really hit rock bottom.

    Well, it's getting closer and closer. I now almost look at it as inevitable. I know how I'm going to do it when the day comes (just recently figured this out), and I'm going to prepare a box of supplies so I'll have everything I need for a swift and comfortable exit. For now though, there's so much going on in the world that I feel like I'm watching a disaster movie, and it's intriguing enough to want to stick around and see how it ends. If I just shut out the rest of my world, distract myself, then I can get by for awhile.

    This despite the fact that I can play it all out in my mind and know exactly what I need to do to get the 'things' I want. I feel like I almost always know the 'right' thing to do. Yet I do it almost never.

    A few other things...

    My mom and dad got divorced a few years ago, and my mom was pretty depressed for awhile herself. Her sister, who is now living with her, has the same issues. I worry how hard it would be for my mom if I did something to myself.

    I have a lot of pride. I don't know why. I should be truthful instead.

    I'm interested if anybody has actually, truly, started over and how they went about that.

    Also thanks to those that have posted links to a few songs here recently: DrivEthermissIon, fillmore-jive, etc. I appreciated them as I've clicked and listened as I read.

    Well, that's a start. I don't think anybody can say everything in a handful of pages. But just typing it out is a little helpful, so thanks for indulging me.

    Okay, if you made it through all of that, "hello!" and you win a prize.
  2. stinkydog

    stinkydog Member

    Hello from Ireland,
    Like you Ive just joined here looking for some safe place to hide in for awhile.
    Hope you find some support here, to help ease your pain, even if it is only for a little while.
    take care
  3. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    hey :) welcome to the forum. i read every word you wrote :hug: i hope that you find you can get some support here and make some good friends to help you through things :)

  4. fweeps

    fweeps Staff Alumni

    Hi both of you and welcome to SF. This is a great site and I hope both of you find the support you need here.
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums!! Depression affects everyone.. It doesn't discriminate...I think being in therapy will be of great help to you..I live with SI everyday but have learned thru theraapy to not act on those thoughts..You sound as if you love your mom very much.. If you were to commit that is something she will never get over..She would blame herself that she wasn't there for you..Please get some help and keep posting here.. The more support you get the better..Take Care And Stay Strong!!!
  6. Tim.

    Tim. SF Emoti-King

    Now I owe you a prize... that could be tough.

    I don't know what you win yet. A bottle of scotch, cash, an internet hug... Let me know if you have a preference.

    But the prizes are now off.
  7. Pilko

    Pilko Active Member

    Hi! Welcome to SF.
    I too suffer from depression. I am in a position where things could be good, I have a great career, friends and family but my head just isn't along for the ride. I think of suicide all the time these days. Funnily though zoloft has masked alot of emotion, but the thoughts are still there.
    I am not sure if one day I will go ahead..
    Your post was very thoughtful,
  8. bubblin girl

    bubblin girl Well-Known Member

    how are u
    welcome to SF :)
  9. Silvio

    Silvio Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome to the forums.

    I can easily relate to you in terms of the situations and feelings, in fact a while ago I made a thread about how I couldn't take life anymore and stated some of the reasons for this. I was very cynical and negative, but then I got a very harsh analysis on things. I still have depression and my situation may still be at its worst, but I keep telling myself things that are true and I've learnt how to open my eyes and to cherish the positive things as little as it may be.....nature,animals,food. I thought about it, everything does exist in the mind, only you can make something positive or negative, even if you feel hatred for any people who have betrayed you in the past. This may be a pessimistic way of looking at things, but it is also truthful, somebody told me there is always somebody who has it worse then you and yet they are satisfied with what limited objects or support they have. I've had a lot of setbacks, but I'm still trying to go on, to see things through, if this is a disaster movie, you're the director, the director can't control everything that goes on, but is in control of how it would play out and the results.
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF:bubble:
  11. Tim.

    Tim. SF Emoti-King

    Thanks everyone for the welcome. Had a good time talking with people in chat last night too, and I'm actually feeling not terrible at the moment.

    I also forgot to ask in my first post about something I was wondering about. Anybody have any positive experience with any illegal drugs for longterm medicating purposes only? I heard someone write something about some of these that may have been used for treating depression, and I'm curious whether they actually work longterm. My suspicion is that these things generally aren't helpful, and I've never used anything, but I don't want to close a door on something that might work for making me feel better and live a better life. So please PM me if you know one way or another.

    I hear you on the 'all in your head thing.' But I've gone through that just trying to be happy thing and it doesn't seem to work.

    I do know that there are people worse off than me. Really actually almost everyone... which is why I just don't understand the way I feel. I mean, I have almost any advantage you could ask for in life and no real bad problems... nothing that couldn't be solved easily.

    But for some reason that doesn't help me feel any better.
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, welcome to the forum! It's nice to meet you! :shake:
  13. Silvio

    Silvio Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean, I can appreciate things but it doesn't make me feel better as well, but I still have them, so at least that's a thing to look forward to and live for. Personally for me, if I can tell myself or think that I can go on, then it's not too late, I should find happiness one day. If you have depression that might be a cause, that's probably what is disturbing my thoughts.
  14. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum. Sometimes it is hard for people to understand (including ourselves) how, when it seems we have everything-support, love, intelligence, money, etc-a person can have such terrible feelings they wish to end their life. depression is cruel and it does not care who its victims are. It strikes all walks of life. Some people have factors that make them prone to depression, for others there is no explanation. I am glad to hear you have sought support in the past. i would encourage you to continue on with your therapy and/or meds as needed. It sounds as if depression may run in your family. Things may not be great, but try to find at least one thing everyday that you are thankful for. The sun on your face; the clean, pure white snow; the warmth of your shower in the morning; a pet; a favorite meal. Then maybe from there you can go on to the things you find pleasure in. When we force ourselves to look at the good it takes the focus away from the bad feelings. I do hope we are able to offer you some support here. You will find this community of people to be very caring and understanding. We have been there or are currently there. Please take care. Put off getting that box together. Then the temptaion won't be as strong. Especially in an impulsive moment. :hug:
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