I'm a little long-winded, so I'll give the short version first: there's been something wrong with me for a long time, and it's getting worse. Also, I appreciate any kind words, but they're not necessary. I am mostly looking to find people that have similar experiences to see how they deal with it and what might help. If that's you please send me a message or reply here. Maybe I can help someone too. I think I like helping people when I can. Anyway, the rest of this is for the record... I've read people talking here, and I feel really bad for some people because they have real problems. People that got hurt by people they care about. I read that someone is abused by their family or supposed friends and I understand how hard that can be, and I admire the fact that they can deal with it as well as they can. But at the same time, it's understandable why they are upset. The world around them is cruel and I tend to think that if they can only get in a better position they will be fine. My problems are with me. I don't understand why I have the problems I do. I have a 'support group' that cares about me. I disconnect for a few days and my parents are showing up at my door, my brother and sister are calling me, and my friends are asking me if I'm okay. This when I've never even talked to any of them about being depressed. I have every advantage in the world. I went to a prestigious college, followed by a prestigious university for a professional degree. I was gifted with enough intelligence to do well at both places while missing months at a time. I missed entire semesters and did better than almost all of my hardworking friends. But everytime I get involved in something I don't tell anyone what's going on inside because if they knew they'd know I was more trouble than I'm worth. And I end up failing them because they believe me when I tell them that everything is fine. I got a job out of school that would make me a wealthy man, and I was very good at it. But my own problems killed that job. A phone call later I had an equally well-paying career ahead of me and I messed that up for the same reasons. Not long after I had another job that works because I get paid as well as before for my time but is flexible and part time at my discretion. I've been to therapy and on drugs for treatment. There have been some postive moments with that and otherwise. But few and far between. And fewer and further between as time goes on. When I first went to therapy, and for a long time, I would say that I had suicidal thoughts, but that I would never act on them. I can't say that anymore. I always figured, "why kill myself when I still have money in the bank and things to do?" At least I would wait until I had really hit rock bottom. Well, it's getting closer and closer. I now almost look at it as inevitable. I know how I'm going to do it when the day comes (just recently figured this out), and I'm going to prepare a box of supplies so I'll have everything I need for a swift and comfortable exit. For now though, there's so much going on in the world that I feel like I'm watching a disaster movie, and it's intriguing enough to want to stick around and see how it ends. If I just shut out the rest of my world, distract myself, then I can get by for awhile. This despite the fact that I can play it all out in my mind and know exactly what I need to do to get the 'things' I want. I feel like I almost always know the 'right' thing to do. Yet I do it almost never. A few other things... My mom and dad got divorced a few years ago, and my mom was pretty depressed for awhile herself. Her sister, who is now living with her, has the same issues. I worry how hard it would be for my mom if I did something to myself. I have a lot of pride. I don't know why. I should be truthful instead. I'm interested if anybody has actually, truly, started over and how they went about that. Also thanks to those that have posted links to a few songs here recently: DrivEthermissIon, fillmore-jive, etc. I appreciated them as I've clicked and listened as I read. Well, that's a start. I don't think anybody can say everything in a handful of pages. But just typing it out is a little helpful, so thanks for indulging me. Okay, if you made it through all of that, "hello!" and you win a prize.