Hello from the other side~

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Luxe, Jan 12, 2016.

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  1. Luxe

    Luxe New Member

    Hi, everyone. I guess I'll just introduce myself and why I'm here. (Whoops, it got long, I'm sorry.)

    I'm 21, I'm a junior in college, and I'm really struggling. I've never been to a professional and I've never been diagnosed, but I know I've been depressed for a long time. I remember first feeling this way when I was 13 and it's been a roller coaster ever since. Good times, bad times, good times, bad times. But it's never been this bad before. Most of the time I started getting depressed, I would sort of "snap out of it," but not like in the sense that I would become happy all of a sudden. More in the sense that I would find something to preoccupy my thoughts. Usually it was a TV show. Sometimes it was a boy. Whatever it took to distract me.

    It's been almost a year since this bought started, and it's only gotten worse as time has passed. This summer, I thought I was okay, and I kind of was. I was on break, I had an easy job I worked a couple days a week, and the rest of the time I relaxed at home with my family. I thought I was happy. But school started back up and of course, the wall came crumbling down again. I started to experience suicidal ideation, which is something I never truly experienced until now. All I could (and can) think about is death, even though I know I could never do that to my family. But I still think about it, and how much easier it would be than living each day in this fog, barely holding it together, working at a job I hate, doing homework I don't care about, living with people who don't give a crap about me. I walk to class every day and I think about how no one knows what it's like inside my head. No one would expect that I think about dying all the time. And how many of them wouldn't even notice my absence.

    Part of me thinks that I'm crazy, and that I'm faking it even to myself. "You're not really depressed, you're just trying to fit into the symptoms. Other people have it worse. You have a good life, suck it up. You should feel guilty for feeling this way." But how could I be faking it? I don't know.

    I just know I need help and I'm not getting it. I can't see a therapist because it's too expensive, and I'm still on my parents insurance, and I don't want them to know. So I just have to try to keep moving forward, even though I would rather lie in bed all the time. Even though living feels a lot like I'm just going through the motions and not really experiencing any of it.
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Welcome to SF - i hope you find the support and some answers here that help you.

    In regards to your particular situation using your parents insurance unless you are leaving the copay to them is not going to tell them anything at all. What you tell them or do not tell them about the specifics of what you are getting treatment fo ris entirely up to you and in regards to mental health is just like reproduction in most states and you are entitled to privacy from disclosure at 14 , not even 18 and you are 21 so is all on you what you choose to share or not share. In addition every college has counseling services you can use to start getting some real help. Just because you feel really bad does not mean you need oodles and oodles of help and intensive therapy and stuff. Sometimes it takes very little to push things back to normal , just like it may have taken very little to make them get worse. What is certain is the longer it goes without real help the more effort will be needed, so please at least try the confidential services available at your school.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    The councilors at the college are there for just what you are experiancing so use them talk to them and get the support you need to succeed ok to get you feeling less depressed As said the longer you leave the depression untreated the harder it will get to get some stability back Reach out to your doctor councilor a professor someone who can get you the support you need no need to fight the battle alone
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