Hi, everyone. I guess I'll just introduce myself and why I'm here. (Whoops, it got long, I'm sorry.) I'm 21, I'm a junior in college, and I'm really struggling. I've never been to a professional and I've never been diagnosed, but I know I've been depressed for a long time. I remember first feeling this way when I was 13 and it's been a roller coaster ever since. Good times, bad times, good times, bad times. But it's never been this bad before. Most of the time I started getting depressed, I would sort of "snap out of it," but not like in the sense that I would become happy all of a sudden. More in the sense that I would find something to preoccupy my thoughts. Usually it was a TV show. Sometimes it was a boy. Whatever it took to distract me. It's been almost a year since this bought started, and it's only gotten worse as time has passed. This summer, I thought I was okay, and I kind of was. I was on break, I had an easy job I worked a couple days a week, and the rest of the time I relaxed at home with my family. I thought I was happy. But school started back up and of course, the wall came crumbling down again. I started to experience suicidal ideation, which is something I never truly experienced until now. All I could (and can) think about is death, even though I know I could never do that to my family. But I still think about it, and how much easier it would be than living each day in this fog, barely holding it together, working at a job I hate, doing homework I don't care about, living with people who don't give a crap about me. I walk to class every day and I think about how no one knows what it's like inside my head. No one would expect that I think about dying all the time. And how many of them wouldn't even notice my absence. Part of me thinks that I'm crazy, and that I'm faking it even to myself. "You're not really depressed, you're just trying to fit into the symptoms. Other people have it worse. You have a good life, suck it up. You should feel guilty for feeling this way." But how could I be faking it? I don't know. I just know I need help and I'm not getting it. I can't see a therapist because it's too expensive, and I'm still on my parents insurance, and I don't want them to know. So I just have to try to keep moving forward, even though I would rather lie in bed all the time. Even though living feels a lot like I'm just going through the motions and not really experiencing any of it.