Hi everyone. Where to start? My name is Neil, I'm 30 years old and i live in Nottingham with my girlfriend of 4 years and her 3 daughters, I also have a 7 year old daughter of my own from a previous relationship. Let me get this out there from the off i love my girlfriend very much, She would stick by me no matter what but i hate burdening her with my issues. She has stuck by me when i have been unfaithful in the past and even when i betrayed her again she put her faith in me and i am paying that trust back now, I know i couldnt handle losing someone who holds so high a place in my heart and it pains me to even imagine her hurting or worrying about me so i keep my issues to myself as much as i can. The last 6 months of my life have gradually started leaning in a dark direction starting with feelings of anxiety that i hadnt experienced since meeting my girlfriend. Since it started again i've been becoming more reckless in my actions, I blew almost £800 gambling online in 3 days, became dependant on cannabis to give me short term bouts of clarity, Recklessly took 24 tabs of <mod edit > in 3 sittings, Quit my job and regularly contemplate what extreme would i actually go to, to wake up just one morning without this gut aching, heart burning sensation that leaves me feeling so miserable and down every day. My thoughts are just life and death, i think about ways i could escape this feeling without leaving a car crash behind me, I think about God and if there is really something that exists beyond this reality. Im not a complicated person i have a pretty good sense of humour with a big side of sarcasm, im also very judgmental and its embarassing to say but i have no real friends im really not a social butterfly, people make me nervous and more so the last 6 months, I do get on with people its just i seem to find faults with people in my mind within seconds so i dont feel comfortable being around them for extended periods of time. I realise im waffling slightly i apologise its just its taken me 3 weeks to finally pluck up the courage to write something here, ive been browsing for a while and its given me a slight feeling of accomplishment that ive managed to put some of my thoughts into words and make that first step. I'm worried that i'm depressed, I'm worried that my OCD will return, I'm worried that my feelings of worthlessness and constant feelings of being frightened wont let up, So ive decided to post. I cant promise ill return after posting to be honest i lose interest in things very quickly lately and it required a great deal of motivation to do this, however i will do my best to be active although i may be more of a floater. I dont think im an imminent suicide risk, i cant get past the thoughts of the people i love having to receive the news of my death. My daughter being told her Daddy wasn't going to be there anymore, My girlfriend couldnt handle it, i couldnt do it to her, I love them and my family very much they are the only reason im still fighting through this dark period of my life. Suicide has just become something that has taken over a lot of my thought processes lately and i needed to do something as i cant handle going to a GP and having to speak to someone about this face to face, Even thinking about it makes my heart beat so fast. My girlfriend and other people close to me can still make me smile on occasions and sometimes this makes my day a little easier, i watched a film recently called silver linings playbook and im going to try and treasure those days as my silver linings. If you managed to read through this then thankyou for taking the time it means a lot to know there are people who feel much worse than myself yet they can still give me 10 minutes of their time. My girlfriend and I often coin the 'light at the end of the tunnel' phrase but is there always a light? Because my faith is being tested.