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Hello Guys

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by aoi, Aug 18, 2009.

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  1. aoi

    aoi New Member

    Hi everyone.

    My name here is Aoi, it's the romaji expression of the word meaning Blue in Japanese. I thought it was fitting.

    I'm here not necessarily out of crisis, but because I am looking for a broader opinion on my reasons for wanting to end my life. I want to make sure that there isn't an aspect to it that I am missing before I go ahead and make the decision to kill myself.

    I'll start with the root reason for all of this and then talk about the different ways that this main problem branches into all aspects of my life. When I was nineteen years old I was walking in front of my house when I was struck by a hit and run driver from behind, breaking my fifth cervical vertebrae in my neck, and leaving me an incomplete tetraplegic. I am twenty years old now, almost twenty-one. I was in intensive care for five months, and then another five months in a rehabilitation center. The amount of ability that I retained is good compared to other people with a similar injury to mine, but it still isn't satisfactory. I am bound to a wheelchair and one of my hands is completely paralyzed in a fist.

    Obviously this injury dented my plans quite a bit. It prevented me from going to college full time. I broke up with a girlfriend of many years shortly after my injury, for one reason she was high maintenance, and the other reason is because of the lack of sexual function that comes with being a tetraplegic/quadriplegic. I was a rather large hedonist before my injury, and unfortunately for me all that was brought to a halt.

    My body is in more or less constant pain. I have neurologic pain throughout my lower body, my entire body is spastic causing neuromuscular pain and making simple things like putting a shirt on near impossible, and none of the medications out on the market do anything for the pain OR spastiticty. My prognosis is grim in terms of recovery, pretty much everything that I have now is what I can expect to regain, however in terms of longevity I'll probably live another sixty years. I am very healthy otherwise.

    I've never been religious, as I have too much love for logic, so the religious aspects of suicide do not bother me. My family and close friends understand the pain that I am in 24 hours a day and I know that they would understand (not be happy, but understand) my decision to end my life, so the social aspects of suicide do not really bother me.

    My injury has been especially tough on me, in my opinion, because of the enormous successes I had in life before hand. All of the things I did I was very good at, and all of the things I did are less enjoyable as I am now. I raced cars, which is possible for quadriplegics, but much less competitive. I was a programmer that typed 130 words per minute, now I am lucky to get 35. I was a drummer, that's gone, etc etc. The comparisons in life before and after my injury are so stark in contrast that it's obvious why I'm depressed.

    So, here's why I am here. In my mind, which is obviously biased, it comes down to two real paths that I can take. Continue living a life in pain, or muster the courage to end it now.

    The "simple joys" argument is pretty weak just to say in preparation of hearing that. The small joys in life like a sunrise,sunset, or any other corny situational thing like that truly are not reason enough to live in pain. I wish I was that simple.

    Any insight? I've read the stickies, but it's hard to relate to a lot of them, not being a teenager in the throes of depression due to a girlfriend of 4 monthes leaving me. :lol!:

    Not to belittle anyone else's situations, of course.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 18, 2009
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I dont know what to say. From reading your thread the first thing I got is that you are a fighter, a survivor. That's a lot of therapy and hospital time. But you did all you could and made it out the other side. I'd have to agree the things you do you were good at and still are. You pushed to make it through therapy and even to recover from as much as you could physically and emotionally. I'm not even going to being to pretend to understand the realities of the difference of lifestyle you now face. But damn, so what if it's only part time, you're doing college too. So that in itself would give me the impression that you hope to further yourself yet more. As for all you have now being the best you can expect... Idont know. I think if you were able to see a little more hope you could accomplish, at least to your abilities, so much more. Like I said earlier, you're a survivor. And possibly a little stubborn too. You dont impress me as the type of person that just lays down when told well that's it, as far as you can go. I think you tend to challenge those things. So why not look at this as another challenge. Give into the suicidal thoughts or fight them back to where they came from. I'm certain you'll find a lot of members that will be more than willing to help anyway they can in that department hun.
    So a long post with nothing really said. Sorry but my jaw is hitting the keyboard. You've really impressed me with your spirit so far. I cant imagine you throwing it away now. Hope you find the reasons you need to keep fighting on. Good luck.
  3. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    You've been through a lot and I can't possibly imagine what your pain must be like... so I admire your strength. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that you have to live your life, but I do think there might be avenues you haven't explored. You mentioned a lot of physical activities that you prided yourself in and enjoyed before the accident... But in terms of continuing on in life and education, there are areas of study that wouldn't require so much physical involvement. I don't know where your interests lie but if you haven't explored careers and activities that are centered more around intellectuality (you seem intelligent and interested in the intellectual realm so forgive me if this has already been said and done), by all means do so.
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