Hello, i'm lexi and i'm 16 years old. My mother was an alcoholic, drug addict and she had depression, anxiety disorder, and bipolar disorder. She was about 20 years old when she had me and my father was even younger. While she was pregnant with me she did drugs, smoked cigarettes, and drank alcohol. Shortly after i was born, it was clear she wasn't stable to take care of me. After about a year after my birth, her and my dad split up (they were never married) and from there things got worse, her addiction got worse and her mental disorders we're too. She was using drugs while taking care of me (i was only about 2 years old) she also had no money because she spent it all on drugs, and to support her addiction she would have sex with different guys for drug money. She had a new boyfriend every month and was constantly moving in with those men (with me) because she couldn't afford a house. Even worse, she became abusive towards me and her boyfriends would get in on it. She and her many boyfriends would neglect me, hit me, scream at me, etc. She had three sisters, who were all drug addicts too and she had one brother who had brain cancer and i would see him have severe seizures right in front of me when i was only a little girl. My moms mother (my grandma) was pretty unstable too. After moving all over the place my mother and i finally moved in with her mom. But things still weren't very stable. Her and her mother would constantly fight and very rarely was i well taken care of. We had to sleep in the attic and my mother would force me to go up there all by myself and lock me in there all night in pitch dark. And even worse, she used to have sex with strange men while i was in the room. Shortly after moving in with my mother and grandma, my mom met a guy she settled down with a guy. His name was Stewart and we moved in with him, they also got married but that didn't last long. Within 4 months, they got divorced and i was happy because he was abusive too. After that we moved back in with my mom's mom, and of course my moms drug and alcohol habits got worse. Throughout all of this i did see my dad, i would visit him at his mothers house every other weekend but they never really suspected abuse, until i was about 6/7 years old -- One weekend my mom dropped me off with my dad and his parents, they noticed i looked ill. Well, i was. I was COVERED in body lice from head to toe, my dad says he could see them crawling on me. I got the lice from my mother never bathing me. After that, they immediately knew something was up. My dad talked to my mother and she denied it, she lied and said i probably got i from another child (i was in school, although i was always changing day cares/schools.) Since there was nothing he could really do (So he says) he let it go, until something else happened. I was with my dad and his parents for the weekend and i came down with strep throat, they took me to the doctor and i got medication. By sunday night it was time for my mother to get me again, but instead of taking me back to her mothers house, she "kidnapped" me and refused to give me my strep medication. After about a week the police tracked her down with me at one of her "boyfriends" house and she denied and said her mother kicked her out so she left (which was a lie.) My mother was brought to court because my grandparents (dad's parents) wanted custody, unfortunately instead my mother got full custody under the condition that she goes to rehab/therapy for her mental disorders. It was not until months later, when she showed up to court drunk, so drunk she could barely walk. Immediately the judge realized she was not allowed to have custody of me, i was taken away from my mother and my dads parents (my grandparents) got custody of me, my dad loved me but he was young and knew he wasnt capable of having me. My new home was nice, they cared about me and they take care of me to this day. But unfortunately, i am very fucked up to put it bluntly. I, just like my mother have depression, anxiety disorder, and im bipolar. on top of that, i have a vomiting phobia, cibophobia (fear of food), and OCD. I also struggle with self harm and suicidal thoughts. I've been to almost 40 different therapists since the age of 8 and i have yet to find one that has helped me, i refuse to go inpatient, i just cant. I feel so lost, i feel like i dont belong here. My own mother never cared about me, all she cared about was meth, heroin, alcohol, and sex. And my dad was too blind to realize for 7 fucking years that i was suffering. I have nobody, i literally have one friend and thats my boyfriend. I'm in 10th grade but got held back last year because i failed all my classes and eventually left school for a whole year, now im back in school but im struggling to even go anymore because of my anxiety and phobia's. I just want to die so badly, i cant even put into words how desperate i am to die. I see scars in my body from my mother and i just get so angry and sad. I take all of that out on myself by cutting and even burning myself sometimes, and now that im older my grandparents treat me like shit. I'm always fighting with them, my grandma calls me stupid and says she regrets taking me and i just feel so worthless like nobody loves me, nobody. i dont know what to do anymore. I'm sorry this is extremely long, i understand if you dont read it all but i just needed to vent. But thank you all for reading, if you do. I'm trying to stay strong but i don't know how long i can keep this up.