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hello, im new here and kind of wanted to share my story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by alex_ker, Dec 19, 2013.

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  1. alex_ker

    alex_ker New Member

    Hello, i'm lexi and i'm 16 years old.
    My mother was an alcoholic, drug addict and she had depression, anxiety disorder, and bipolar disorder. She was about 20 years old when she had me and my father was even younger. While she was pregnant with me she did drugs, smoked cigarettes, and drank alcohol. Shortly after i was born, it was clear she wasn't stable to take care of me. After about a year after my birth, her and my dad split up (they were never married) and from there things got worse, her addiction got worse and her mental disorders we're too. She was using drugs while taking care of me (i was only about 2 years old) she also had no money because she spent it all on drugs, and to support her addiction she would have sex with different guys for drug money. She had a new boyfriend every month and was constantly moving in with those men (with me) because she couldn't afford a house. Even worse, she became abusive towards me and her boyfriends would get in on it. She and her many boyfriends would neglect me, hit me, scream at me, etc. She had three sisters, who were all drug addicts too and she had one brother who had brain cancer and i would see him have severe seizures right in front of me when i was only a little girl. My moms mother (my grandma) was pretty unstable too. After moving all over the place my mother and i finally moved in with her mom. But things still weren't very stable. Her and her mother would constantly fight and very rarely was i well taken care of. We had to sleep in the attic and my mother would force me to go up there all by myself and lock me in there all night in pitch dark. And even worse, she used to have sex with strange men while i was in the room. Shortly after moving in with my mother and grandma, my mom met a guy she settled down with a guy. His name was Stewart and we moved in with him, they also got married but that didn't last long. Within 4 months, they got divorced and i was happy because he was abusive too. After that we moved back in with my mom's mom, and of course my moms drug and alcohol habits got worse. Throughout all of this i did see my dad, i would visit him at his mothers house every other weekend but they never really suspected abuse, until i was about 6/7 years old -- One weekend my mom dropped me off with my dad and his parents, they noticed i looked ill. Well, i was. I was COVERED in body lice from head to toe, my dad says he could see them crawling on me. I got the lice from my mother never bathing me. After that, they immediately knew something was up. My dad talked to my mother and she denied it, she lied and said i probably got i from another child (i was in school, although i was always changing day cares/schools.) Since there was nothing he could really do (So he says) he let it go, until something else happened. I was with my dad and his parents for the weekend and i came down with strep throat, they took me to the doctor and i got medication. By sunday night it was time for my mother to get me again, but instead of taking me back to her mothers house, she "kidnapped" me and refused to give me my strep medication. After about a week the police tracked her down with me at one of her "boyfriends" house and she denied and said her mother kicked her out so she left (which was a lie.) My mother was brought to court because my grandparents (dad's parents) wanted custody, unfortunately instead my mother got full custody under the condition that she goes to rehab/therapy for her mental disorders. It was not until months later, when she showed up to court drunk, so drunk she could barely walk. Immediately the judge realized she was not allowed to have custody of me, i was taken away from my mother and my dads parents (my grandparents) got custody of me, my dad loved me but he was young and knew he wasnt capable of having me. My new home was nice, they cared about me and they take care of me to this day. But unfortunately, i am very fucked up to put it bluntly. I, just like my mother have depression, anxiety disorder, and im bipolar. on top of that, i have a vomiting phobia, cibophobia (fear of food), and OCD. I also struggle with self harm and suicidal thoughts. I've been to almost 40 different therapists since the age of 8 and i have yet to find one that has helped me, i refuse to go inpatient, i just cant.

    I feel so lost, i feel like i dont belong here. My own mother never cared about me, all she cared about was meth, heroin, alcohol, and sex. And my dad was too blind to realize for 7 fucking years that i was suffering. I have nobody, i literally have one friend and thats my boyfriend. I'm in 10th grade but got held back last year because i failed all my classes and eventually left school for a whole year, now im back in school but im struggling to even go anymore because of my anxiety and phobia's. I just want to die so badly, i cant even put into words how desperate i am to die. I see scars in my body from my mother and i just get so angry and sad. I take all of that out on myself by cutting and even burning myself sometimes, and now that im older my grandparents treat me like shit. I'm always fighting with them, my grandma calls me stupid and says she regrets taking me and i just feel so worthless like nobody loves me, nobody. i dont know what to do anymore.

    I'm sorry this is extremely long, i understand if you dont read it all but i just needed to vent. But thank you all for reading, if you do.

    I'm trying to stay strong but i don't know how long i can keep this up.
  2. Lux

    Lux Well-Known Member

    Hi Lexi, I'm really sorry for everything you've had to go through in such a short space of time. I'm glad you're here now though, this site has helped me in more ways I can even explain. People here are generally very understanding and supportive. <3
  3. iwanttohelp

    iwanttohelp Well-Known Member

    Lexi, I am so sorry you have gone through all this. Hearing your story makes me sad as you do not deserve any of it. I have a 16 year old daughter also in 10th grade that I love with my whole heart. I went through a divorce after years of fighting with her mother. That woke me up and I resolved to make things right so I could stay a positive influence in her life. Somehow a small voice inside me told me that I needed to forgive no matter what. That my anger and hatred was never, ever going to solve anything for me in my entire life anymore, that being mad is not the answer. It may sound corny, but I found out that I needed to forgive and love no matter what and put all the petty arguments and hurts behind me for the sake of my kids. So all I can say to you is... it may be today, 10 or 30 years from now, or maybe in your next life... but someday you will need to forgive your parents and your grandparents for what they have done to you. Then you can come to feel sorry for them in their deep pain, and move on to your own new life. They don't know what they are doing just like millions of people in this human world are lost and deluded. It is how it has been this way forever and it is the nature of life. You have to understand that things are this way for reasons beyond which we can understand, and there is an underlying process of learning that all people need to go through. Some learn from the pain faster than others, I hope you learn quickly. The good news is that you can learn from their mistakes and make changes to your thoughts, words and future actions. You can end the cycle of suffering in your family when you make the decision to rise about it all. It just takes a tiny crack of compassion for yourself to see the power of your precious life... and the incredible capacity you have for changing. Always get whatever help you can, including inpatient, don't let your own stubbornness and pride prevent you from breaking down and opening up to the support that is always available to you. May you take small steps every day to freedom and happiness. I know you can do it. You already have that seed inside of you because you decided to post in this forum. You have your entire life ahead and many people go on to be happy and thrive by learning from their dysfunctional homes as children. I was also hospitalized, suicidal and panic stricken when I was a teenager and I have been able to recover. Never give up, you may not see it or feel it right now, but there is great love in this big beautiful world and you will see it if you resolve to look for it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 19, 2013
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