Hello, I'm new, too!

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Michi, Mar 29, 2015.

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  1. Michi

    Michi New Member

    Hello All,

    My name is Michi. I am 52 and live near Washington, D.C. In the U.S.A. I'm recently remarried, have 2 children, a daughter 26 who is getting married in June (a MAJOR stressor) and a son, 13, who lives with his father.

    I am a professor at a local college, enjoy tandem bike riding with my totally blind husband, and am passionate about all things artistic- sewing, painting, music, etc.

    I've been through two abusive marriages. This is marriage #3. Michael landed in my life, quite remarkably, shortly after a 6 week hospitalization following an unsuccessful suicide attempt. My former husband told me that everyone would be better off if I just killed myself, so I went upstairs and did exactly that- I stabbed myself in the heart. That was in 2011.

    Now, I have a very loving and caring husband. He treats me like a queen. I think we saved each other really as he was in an abusive relationship as well (yes, even men can be physically and emotionally abused).

    In spite of all of this, I'm racked by guilt. My, then, 10 year old son, who was up way past his bedtime, came into my room (his dad and I had been sleeping separately for years), and found me bleeding to death on my bed. This nearly destroyed him and I lost custody as a result.

    I messed up my daughter, too, since I brought her into an abusive relationship when I married husband #2.

    So on and on it goes. I have a successful career in education, a beautiful house in the country (with a long commute, though), a husband who adores me...yet, still, I am depressed and frequently have suicidal thoughts. I hate myself because I say mean things to my husband, I only get to see my son every other weekend, my daughter has repressed anger towards me (for allowing husband #2 to virtually treat her like a slave for 10+ years).

    So, with all this being said, I feel guilty for even being here because I'm sure many of you must be worse off than me! I have almost everything (everything would be my son), yet, I'm miserable.

    So that's why I'm here.... Michi
     
  2. Hi Michi,
    I'm sorry for all the pain that you have had to endure and are continuing to struggle with. Everyone on this site has their own story but the one thing that we all can relate to is pain. Try not to compare yourself to others because your pain is no less consuming than any of the rest of us here. I hope that you are able to find support on this site. It's been my experience that people here are very nice and want to help.
     
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Relationship and domestic abuse are hard to handle. You must be kind to yourself and no doubt people like yourself will never forget or forgive the trauma you have experienced. Hopefully, you have found a wonderful relationship that will for fill you your dreams.

    Yes, it's hard to forget the past but you must not dwell on what happened in the past but try your best to move on. it's hard but you deal with it one day at a time. You should focus on enjoying your latter part of life and be content. I am not trying to sound patronising but merely showing a postive outlook on life for you.

    Please keep posting here as we all understand the feelings you are experiencing and we can give as support as we can. If I have come across horrible in anyway, please accept my apologies. Be safe and do not worry now.
     
  4. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    Hi Michi,

    Some of the worst emotional pain I've ever felt has centered around my children. There is absolutely no reason to apologize that this pain is somehow not as serious as pain other people have been through. There are sometimes no words to express the depth of love we have for our children. When my daughters hurt, it is like tearing out my heart by the roots, especially if it's because of something I did.

    I think you are going through several things right now. First you miss your children. You love them and want close relationships with them - you want to be there with them as they grow up so you can help guide them and so you can enjoy them while they are still young and growing into the people they will ultimately become. Second, you feel guilty because your own pain has rubbed off on them and caused them as pain as well. When my children hurt, sometimes it feels like I can feel that pain myself.

    I'm very sorry for what your 10 year old went through. Do you have any contact with him at all? He still deserves his mother and he will be better off for it if he can come to an understanding of why you did what you did. Otherwise he might blame myself, as young kids do. He needs his Mom and you've done a lot in terms of improving your mental health, plus you have the right to know your son. It does not sound like you can trust your ex husband to present things to your son in a way that makes it clear that he, your son, is a totally innocent victim in this. Can you go back to court and get supervised visitation and go to therapy together? He is only 13, you still might be able to heal this relationship.

    I don't blame you for feeling guilty about this. I would also, but temper that with the recognition that you were in terrible pain and severely provoked. Obviously you would hever have done this in your right mind. You can take responsibility for what happened and give yourself some badly needed comfort at the same time.

    Your daughter is an adult now but her feelings towards you are not written in stone either. She undoubtedly does have a lot of baggage for her time spent in an abusive household and she will have to work through it. However, as she does, she will hopefully get a better understanding of your situation and realize there were limitations as to what you could have done. She will also grow to admire you for getting out. If she has her own kids, this will help even more in that regard. When I left my verbally abusive husband, my 12 year old daughter got stuck in the middle and it took years to rebuild our relationship. All I could do was let her know I loved her and was sorry and wanted to do what I could to help. It was actually group therapy with other women whose mothers were not that caring that finally got through to her.

    I'm glad things are working out otherwise. I know it hurts. Our children can hurt us more than anything else in the world because we love them so much.
     
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