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Hello, I'm new.

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Hey, I'm Chris 19 from England.

Having trouble with how to start :S.

I find it really hard to speak to anyone and never speak what i am really thinking which is why im finding it so hard to say what my problem is.

I put on a front to everyone to make others feel good and assure them that I'm fine, but really I'm dying on the inside and to be honest the only reason I'm alive is to keep everyone else happy.

This is due to a guilty conscience, the only reason I do anything these days is to make everyone else feel happy, my mum wanted me to do my education so I did, the teachers cared for me and 1 of them sent me to pupil help or whatever for therapy (Which I didn't go to) THEN I get a job that I don't want to do but i am anyway.

I have friends but I've pushed them all away, they think I'm lazy and nerd who plays games all day. I normally play games all day and all night, i have massive addiction to games thats been going for 7 years.

In the last 7 years the happiest moment of my life was when I sold my accounts on a game for £3000 which was 1 year ago. I played that game for 6 years and that stuff is stuck in my head, IT ALWAYS COMES BACK TO ME.

My family consists of my mum who depressed, has OCD diabetes and more, shes divorced from my dad who is an alcoholic and nearly died 2 years ago, my step dad i phantise about killing, my brother was kicked out 5 years ago and everyone else is in my family is depressed as well with the additions of dementia and all of the rest of the stupid shit.

Basically as soon as I leave my home I'm just going to dissappear and secretly commit suicide depending on how I'm feeling in the time period between now and leaving home.

Its currently 8:36 am in the morning where I am and I haven't slept in about 54 hours and 27 minutes. Now going to try and sleep, I'll correct mistakes either when i wake up or come back on int 20mins. OR when my post is authorized.

Don't take the piss, if i wanted that I'd just go talk to my family or freinds.

I'll just end it by saying no one knows how i really feel, I hide ALL OF MY EMOTIONS, I've been told by all my friends that I can't read. I get on with everyone and avoid those who like confrontation etc.

Bye and thanks for reading if you could this as I did shit at english in School.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Just want to say hi okay and i understand i do i tend to hide behind a mask as well hun. You reached out here that took strength you can be yourself here okay no one will judge you Alot of us can relate to what you have written You think talking to your doctor about how you feel could help Medication has help me some by taking away the deep sadness I hear you okay and so will others keep posting okay it helps
From one Chris to another....

Keep talking friend, it does help. Are you getting any form of medication or counselling? Both could be really beneficial and helpful, these things are not your fault - and you can work through them.

I would advise you if you can to also reach out to other people, if you become too insular it becomes difficult to have any kind of social life and escape. Human interaction is something we need for our own mental wellbeing - is there any kind of gaming club for example that you could look into?

Hope you get this message - drop me a PM if you wanna talk anytime.


Well-Known Member
Hi welcome to the forum. I am very much like you as in i hide how i feel except on here i feel safe telling ppl on here how i really feel and no-one judges me. I too have diabetes and depression so if you ever want to talk i am here. :hug:
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