Hello, I'm not sure how to do this...but here goes...

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Givingin, Oct 12, 2012.

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  1. Givingin

    Givingin New Member

    Hello and thank you in advance for your time. I don't know how I got to this point in my life but I have. I think about suicide everyday, I spend the majority of each day trying not to cry and trying to convince myself that this life is worth living. With everything I've been through in life I've always thought I was a survivor but maybe I'm not. I've lost everyone I love, I'm alienated from everyone in my life and find that the only reason I stay alive is because I'm afraid that if I commit suicide whoever ends up having to deal with my body will hate me. I know I'm not the only one out there living this way and I'm not so naive to think that my life couldn't get any worse... I guess the reason I am reaching out now is to hopefully learn what I have failed so miserably at figuring out myself... I would love more than anything to believe that there is hope for me, to believe that peace is a possibility. I'm afraid that if I admit to anyone in my life what has happened to me over the last four years that it will only drive them further away. I am willing to accept criticism, and am willing to be honest about my experiences... If anyone has any words of wisdom, I wouldnbe eternally grateful.
     
  2. fraser

    fraser New Member

    I could have have written your post. Guess we have to believe we are good people, maybe made some bad decisions and circumstances weren't our friends. I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom other than keep believing in yourself, you are not alone. This is the first post I have written any where. It's late and lack of sleep isn't good for this. Maybe catch up later. Keep your chin up

    Collin
     
  3. Givingin

    Givingin New Member

    Thank you, Collin. The post you replied to was my first as well... I'm trying to keep my chin up but it's incredibly hard when your last thought before bed is that you'd love to never wake up and your first though upon waking is that it's incredible cruel that you've woken. I've had terrible terrible things happen to me and I don't know how to believe things could ever be better.
     
  4. fraser

    fraser New Member

    Good morning, do I call you Tiffany? I have no idea how to do this. Are we in the right place? Aside from that your story sounded like mine, I chose to respond to your post because I can tell deal with the stress of feeling inadequate. There are people here with thousands of posts, I feel inferior just doing this ! I have 4 siblings 2 grown boys, am separated from their mother. Isn't it amazing how they say there is so much help but we isolate our selves and can't even "follow through because we don't want to hurt the people we live a false life with. Nobody knows how much pain this is, do they? As I am writing this, there are tears rolling, for me? For my family? For you? Chemical imbalance. It is scary and a lot of work. Do you have "professional " help? How long have you been feeling this way? What do you do to get relief today?

    Cheats; collin
     
  5. fraser

    fraser New Member

    I meant to say "chears" as in happy! What a difference a letter makes. I just recieved the news my 18 year old son found a place to live on his own. It is so difficult thinking he doesn't want to,or can not live at home. Ironically I decided I was going to muscle my way through replacing his bedroom window and painting his room. That was my plan to make me feel accomplished today. Maybe not a good choice but I think we have to set attainable goals to make ourselves feel "worthy" . I hope a shiny bedroom is good medicine for the blues. I think the real cure is finding other people who we feel safe to share your fear with. I understand that the risk of isolating ourselves further is a barrier. I just wanted to say I understand, and hope you find your something to make you feel better today.
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    There is hope hun sometimes it is hidden behind the clouds but it is still there waiting for right moment to show itself. I do hope you have professional help hun use whatever help you can ok to pull you out hugs
     
  7. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Honey, there certainly is ALWAYS hope, hun :) I've been suicidal, attempted, was rescued and have found, like you're willing to search for, that in asking for what it was I felt I needed (even when I really didn't have a clue or any expectation it would be met) - that it is certainly there. I will PM you the details (of living wisdom) :)
     
  8. Givingin

    Givingin New Member

    I really appreciate everyone being so understanding. This is my story... My father was abusive and my mother was delusionaly religious. Igot bullied severely as a child at church because I wen to private schools and was overweight and while my mother knew about all of the bullying, she still insisted upon inviting the bullies over every week and made me subservient to them. Then my father cheated on my mother and would routinely come into my bedroom in the middle of the night wreaking of booze and sex and would kick me out of my bed and sleep there until morning... Then my mother met Joe. Joe was a guy from church that would take all of us kids horseback riding. He convinced my mother that I had a knack for it and started giving me "riding lessons" by myself. Joe was a pedophile. My mother let him move into our house when I was twelve. I was the first victim of cyberbullying in junior high that my school had ever seen, they bullied me about my weight and religion and I became incredibly depressed and withdrawn. The week after I turned eighteen I met a boy who convinced me that I was beautiful... He sexually assaulted me and left me in th middle of nowhere with no gas, no way of contacting anyone and no money. High school was a blur of suicide attempts and trying to cope. In college I met my fiancé. He was perfect and loved me for three years, then he started talking to his exes about my sexual insecurities, started lying to me, stealing from me and manipulating me. I paid our rent, put clothes on his back, put him through school, paid hs every bill and for all of his vices. He didn't work and would expect me to care fr him even after twelve hours on my feet at work. Then when I kicked him out he took my dog stole a bunch of stuff and left. When I confronted him about the money he owed me, he called the police and told them he needed a restraining order. I've been seriously contemplating suicide for a month, today. My health insurance has been cut, I can't afford to see my therapist anymore and to top it all off I've been lied to by the domestic violence survivors help group I reached out to. They told me I could get free counseling and a caseworker the same week I went in. They never called me back. Then I find out there is a wait list for WEEKS before I will be helped. I reached out o my mother and sister and was met with more empty promises. I have no friends, no other family and no hope of ever being happy. I just wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. I wish I could just disappear.
     
  9. fraser

    fraser New Member

    I hope this forum provides some relief as an outlet for the pain and frustration you are feeling. I am glad you had the courage to share your experience here. In Canada we are covered for physical and mental health care, (vote Obama). That said, there are also wait times, We appear to have a lot of company ! I have been seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist for several months since it came to me that suicide was a logical solution. Psychiatrists want to diagnose an illness and prescribe medication to get us to a place where we can make more logical decisions. I think? These sessions are every couple of weeks and I find myself existing for the time in between them. I have been dissapointed when my expectation of a miracle were not met at those sessions. I can not say there have been any magical solutions, just an opportunity to vent. I am tired of telling the story. I find myself wondering "what am I expecting" from these 1 hour sessions? I conclude that what I gain from them is the realization that in the end we have to make our own decisions to do something. And it has to be different than what we have been doing that hasnt worked ! During the Olympics I had a stroke that put me in the hospital to have surgery to save my life! isnt that ironic. I am still recovering. Compared to the emotional pain that life threatening event seems almost insignificant on the pain scale. I guess what I am working on is that at the end of the day we as humans only have the ability to make decisions, and we have to make them ourselves if we are able. The scary part is when we don't feel able. We all need to feel connected to people who are not so broken and insecure themselves, and therefor able to value us rather than blame or use us. We also need to avoid being too needy in our condition, that scares people away. This is obviously easier said than done. If I had accomplished it I wouldnt be feeling the need to share in between "profesional" sessions, would I ?, I came here looking for help for me! And it does seem to help. Its a lot easier giving advise than practicing it. I told my counselor , what I need is a dam good friend that doesnt watch the clock and say "next" after 45 minutes. Don't we all ? All I can say is try to stay "out there" use all what you have learned as tools to recognize and filter out the bad and insecure, in the meantime maybe share here ! feel free to PM if things get "scary" take care; collin
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 14, 2012
  10. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Oh Tiffany, am so sorry to hear all of this, how it would make anyone feel the same way..... I am sorry for how your parents were and for all the bullying and mal-treatment from those who you thought loved you and turned to for help and support.
    Empty promises are hard to bear. The support that people who don't know each other can give to each other on SF is the most genuine expression of solidarity I've ever come across. We understand that life can be so cruel because people feel they have to act in certain ways and don't care how this might affect us.....

    Being delusionally religiously dealt to by a parent is detrimental to our emotions, for sure. I totally understand that hun, and am here to support you because I know how it feels in creating obstacles in the way of receiving strength and love when you need it the most.

    Things can get better for you in this respect Tiffany, I hope you can grasp hold of the truth of this - as much as you would like to be able to disappear, there is also something within you that would like to be strong enough to negotiate your way through this. PM me anytime hun, if you'd like to - I can try and explain some fundamentals that are helping me and can help anyone :)
     
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