Hello. I'm sick of my lifelife

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by CursedBrokenDoll, Sep 3, 2016.

  1. Hello everyone. My name is Paulina, 17 years old, and feeling terribly sad and depressed. At home there happened extremely scary things in the past, my parents didn't care very much about me and I had no one who supported me. I've been bullied my whole life long. Even when I was only 6 years old I already wanted to die bc the bullies where too terrible. I was and still am always the biggest loser, the one who's absolutely worthless while everyone else is much better than me. I've never had friends, apart from people who just used me bc they had no friends either, but left me from the moment that they didn't need me anymore. Apparently it are such severe trauma's that I'm totally blocked and that my mind is totally messed up. The thing is that, I'm still terribly alone, I'm worthless, no one likes me, nothing has changed, the pain just keeps going, and it gets even worse and worse bc I realise more and more that I'm not able to be a person that deserves something. I deserve nothing. I don't know what love is, I don't know what friendship is, I don't know what happiness is, I don't know what it is to feel safe. I've never had luck in my life, I'm such a terrible person that I think that I'm cursed. I wish that I was never born. Life hates me. That's how I feel the whole time. The only thing that gives me a bit of hope, is drawing, bc people say that I'm talented in drawing. But with a lot of things in life, it won't probably mean anything to me anymore in a few years.
    I came to here bc the pain is eating on me, it's destroying me.
     
  2. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    Thank you for joining us here at SF. I personally look forward to hearing about you and what has brought you to this corner of the web. I invite you to read my personal story below in green and just know you are not the only in pain. You are not the only one suffering. Everyone here is fighting their own battles. While you are here, you are safe. No one will harass you or insult you in any manner. That BS is not tolerated here. I hate to hear that you are suicidal. You must have a lot of stuff going on in your life for you to feel this way. Do you know why we feel suicidal? (I am suicidal too, btw) If you don't know would you like for me to explain it to you? I want you to promise me that if you ever feel like you are in danger of hurting yourself, you will take yourself to the nearest ER, and get the help you need. There is no shame in getting help.

    I don't think you are a terrible person. I think you are a person that has had terrible things happen to her. I would really like to try and help you, what do you think?

    I would personally love to hear more about you. What are your dreams? What do you want out of life? What issues do you think , you need help with? How can we help you get into a better place?

    Feel free to PM/IM me anytime if you just want to chat or want to talk about something in a private manner.

    Take Care
     
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  3. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Welcome to the forum Paulina. Does your school hava a counsellor that you can talk to?
     
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  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello Paulina, welcome to SF I am glad you chose to join us here. I am sorry for all you have been through and so sorry you were bullied. I know what that feels like. It's horrid, makes you feel used, worthless, sad, alone, depressed. At least now you have came here and you can get all your thoughts out in the people amongst people that will not judge you. I hope things improve for you. I really do and again welcome and feel free to post more where you are ready!
     
  5. Yes we have, but I'm not making it easy for her, I always contact her when I'm panicking or I feel hopeless bc I can't cope with something (almost everyday). She already helped me a lot, but she can only help me with school problems. I know that I should talk about personal things with a psychologist/therapist, but my psychologist has led me down, and she didn't really help a lot, and I can't go to other therapists bc they are too expensive and I don't have much money.
     
  6. TonyHill

    TonyHill Active Member

    Im have been alone since I have memory,never had friends,the only thing I got was my imagination and cinema,Iif it wasnt for movies I wouldnt be here today.But having absoluty no one to talk,no one to share,no one to laugh,no one to cry and no one to fight for,its really painfull.I know how you feel,like tou are drawnning inside yourself.I really cant tell you how to to solved it cause I didnt solve it yet,but I can teel you this:Theres nothing wrong with you,is people,is societty whats wrong,not you,them.
     
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  7. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Hi Paulina,

    I think that drawing is a wonderful outlet for everything. And I'm jealous that you have that talent! I CANNOT draw and I really wish I could, I even took courses and everything looked like a 2-year old's drawings. At one point I did art therapy. I used paints to express my rage, pain and fear. It gave me a creative outlet as well as an emotional one. I wouldn't assume that you'll lose interest in it, in fact, if it's a passion of yours, I think you should do it every day no matter what.

    Can your counselor at school recommend someone you can talk to that won't cost money? Where I live, we can see social workers at no cost, they aren't as precisely educated as a psychologist, but I've gone to see them in the past when I felt alone and in despair and just having someone to talk to like that was a huge help.

    Bullies are a plague and I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I do believe in Karma, it's the only way I know that the people who hurt me in the past will get their just rewards. Take care xx

    Frances
     
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  8. Actually it's a bit more complicated with mental health help that I can/could have, a while ago I was in psychiatric hospital for a few months, but it was absolutely terrible there and it only made everything worse, so I begged if I could leave as soon as possible, bc actually they didn't want me to leave. So when I left, everyone was angry at me, and that's why my psychologist has led me down. My mom is angry at me too, but when I go to therapists and so, she needs to pay them and everything, but now she doesn't want to do that anymore. She doesn't want that I get help anymore. I can go to social workers for free, but the problem there is that my mom goes to them too, and the chance that she'll know I go there is very big. Actually I've had mental health help for so long, and so many different types, but it never helped, so I'm actually just done with it.
     
  9. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Can you ask the school counsellor for community resources?
     
  10. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I can understand that. I got sick of the therapists too. I went a completely different route and found a spiritual healer, more new age type of stuff, but of course, that costs money too. I can see that the psychologist who you say let you down was likely keeping her boundaries because you did something she was against. I had one like that. I got a tattoo and she insisted it was a way for me to somehow self-harm so she refused to see me again. In fact, it was a symbol of healing to remind me that I'm worth my efforts...but she had her opinion that I couldn't change. I felt abandoned at first, but then after seeing another one, I realized that traditional talk therapy wasn't really for me, even though I managed nearly 9 years of it!

    These days I use self-therapy methods. I refuse to fall back into the pit of despair I was in for nearly 30 plus years, as far back as I can remember in fact. I do everything I can to help myself, but that takes a lot of motivation, time and research. It just doesn't happen. You need to start with baby steps. One thing I did that helped me a lot was remove toxic people from my life. You may not be able to leave your parents at this time, but you can choose your friends, if any. I choose to have no friends, but that doesn't work for everyone. I prefer to rely on my dogs for comfort, anonymous forums that are safe, like this one, and one email friend I've had for 10 years. Otherwise, I can't seem to find a friend that I can count on so I have basically given up on that, but I'm okay with it.

    May I ask why it matters if your mother knows you might see a social worker?
     
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  11. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    Hello CursedBrokenDoll, I am Mox

    So why don't you tell us, what you think would help you the most? You have been through a lot and you have tried a lot of different stuff. No one knows you better, than you know yourself.

    In a perfect world, what would give you the best chance at being successful?

    Take Care
     
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  12. My biggest fear is that they'll put me in that hospital again when I admit that I need help. Or maybe I don't really need help. My feeling is that they punish me bc I'm feeling bad. My sister has mental health problems too but is much older than me, she also suggested modern therapy would be better than traditional, but in my surroundings there's no one who does that, so it isn't really an option. Self-therapy and just the idea that I can deal with this myself has been the most effective methods and the reason why I still achieve things and why I'm not completely ruined yet.
     
    Frances M likes this.
  13. In a perfect world: just people who respect me and don't bring me down. But in this world no one has ever respected me
     
  14. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Welcome BrokenDoll. I won't call you cursed. Because you are not. You have just have had an absolutely miserable run of luck. No one is worthless. Everyone deserves good. Just keep reminding yourself of that. I guess I was bullied when I was young too, but I have no memory of it. Only a letter that my mom wrote to a friend. I think it may be better to have no memory. Do try and avoid those toxic people. The ones who bring you down. It will be very hard to feel worthwhile as long as you are around those people. Better to be alone then be with those who tear you apart. I know you are young yet, but please keep up the battle. Perhaps when you are able to move out on your own things will improve. You certainly should be better able to chose your own friends then. Meanwhile, have you thought about googling for self-help tapes. Maybe try audio tapes for depression, anxiety, bullying and self-esteem. There are some out there. And nobody would need to know you are using them.
     
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  15. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    What are some things you achieve? I would love to hear more about that.

    Going to ask you a hard question, do you respect yourself? If not you need to start there. What are some of the good things about you? What do you bring to the table in terms of positive personal attributes?

    Do you have any kind of support network? People you can lean on , when things get rough?

    What kind of coping mechanisms do you use when you are having a bad day?
     
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  16. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi BrokenDoll,

    Wow, what a story but I am very happy you joined us as all the members here from a wide range of experiences. We are your "FRIENDS" now and we can help YOU. You need to start by appreciating the simple things in life. I strongly suggest that you focus on getting back to school/college and get some qualifications.

    Yes, you will pointed at because your bullies will pick on you which will be hard to deal with but with our support you get through it. This forum saved me and it can also save YOU.

    Speak to your school consellor and tell about those who are causing torment as the school will need to support you as its their duty. If you focus on something then you will feel a lot better. You are young and still able to change your life but with our support and the love of your parents.

    Your mother is trying to support as she wants the best of you as she wants to help in her own way. Accept the help but try to take advice given as she loves YOU. She trying her best but sometimes she shouts out of frustration. Please do not take it to heart as a mother and daughter is so special. So try to remember she cares in her own way.

    Keep posting here as you realise you among people who care about YOU. Take care and please keep posting.
     
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  17. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Lots of people have had great breakthroughs with crystals, prayer by candlelight, walking meditations in the forest, sitting meditation, forms of scrying and reading Tarot cards and oracles. This is a type of modern/alternative therapy that you can do on your own if that's what you want to try. You don't need to follow the customs of any religion to do these things. These are things I've done on my own and they really helped me. I continue to use the cards as a form of self-therapy because they have wonderful messages, and sometimes warnings, that make you think about the choices you're making.

    Another thing that I found very corny at first was to put together a "wish board". These are just images, words, ideas etc...that you put together for what you eventually want out of life. It could be a physical board you keep on your wall, it could be in the form of a journal, or it could be a private blog you create. The point is that you use it as an outlet for your dreams and the things you want to achieve. Then as you look at it each day, it might help motivate you to work towards those things.

    I also have found a series of workshops online. They are also self-help and they cost $10 each. The one I'm doing right now is 14 lessons that has words to read and meditations to listen to. The instructor encourages you to think about the lessons and do some inner work until the next lesson is available. These are helping me tremendously and you can find them pretty easily online.

    As for people respecting you and not bringing you down, that you answered Mox, the first thing is to find ways to respect yourself and rely on YOU and not others. When you can achieve that, then you place a lot less importance on what anyone else thinks. You also grow confidence and develop stronger boundaries, not allowing toxic people back into your life.
     
  18. I passed my previous year at school while it first looked I would never pass it bc my results were the worst bc I felt/feel so bad at school. But with my exams at the end of the year I just went for it, and I'm so happy that I can still have good results for school if I really want it. And drawing is also something that I'm proud of that I can achieve, it asks a lot of energy, but I almost never give up on it.

    I think I respect myself much more than a year ago, last year I hated myself so much and I was so angry at myself that I did self harm to punish myself. Now it's totally different, I know that I'm worth it, mostly I'm happy with how I am, that I'm a bit different than the others, but it makes me terribly sad that I'm not able to be how others expect me to be or do. I know it doesn't matter what others think about me, but at school teachers punish me if I can't behave like they want me to, like the others. And it's just the being alone that breaks me.

    I don't really have a support network, and the people that I can trust are getting less and less.

    My coping mechanism are mainly listening to music, watching horror movies/series (horror makes me happy for some reason), reading stories of people were I look up to who feel the same so I don't feel alone, and just focussing on things that make me happy and don't think about thinks that make me sad.
     
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  19. These are good ideas, I'll surely check them out.
    And yeah, one thing that I've learnt the past year is that self respect is so important. I've already developed so much to the person that I want to be, since I realise that. But it's one of the most difficult things in life. And when I have to go to places as school were it is so 'important' to be 'popular', it's almost impossible to respect myself at that moment. But the thing that bothers me the most right now, is that I can really trust no one anymore, bc it seems that they all hurt me. But then I can't stand the loneliness either. But maybe the thing that I have to do next is stopping being jealous of other people who have friends and so, and just focus on myself.
     
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  20. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    I am glad that you were able to pass your exams. I am glad that you have the ability to draw and it lets you express yourself. Just out of curiosity what year of school are you in?

    I am glad that you are feeling better about yourself. That is awesome. I am very happy for you that you have stopped SH.

    I am confused by what you mean by your are a bit different than the others? What makes you different, do you feel like? Why aren't you able to act like the teachers expect you too?

    I know the pain of loneliness, and it is not a fun feeling. Do you have any friends at all you can hangout with or talk to one the phone?

    Take Care
     
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