Hello, I've been miserable for quite some time now.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by killab93, Dec 11, 2013.

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  1. killab93

    killab93 New Member

    I have nobody to talk to about my problems that I don't have to pay 200 dollars an hour for... That is why I pathetically scrounge the internet for acceptance for how I look, even though my face leaves me unable to sexually attract the opposite sex, make me a possible mate. Amisexy ignores and downvotes me, real life ignores me, an image board, 4chan, tells me they wouldn't look twice and that I look like a homosexual with no sex appeal. The world is shallow, let's not kid ourselves. Attractive people get a free ride, especially women. I would be completely okay with mediocrity if I wasn't additionally sick in the head. All I want to do is make up for what I have. Not only do most people see me as mediocre, lacking sex appeal, but many even see me as ugly. I've seen all the cute girls and their rates that I agree with for the most part and then mine, one of the lowest if not the lowest of the whole rate thread. Most people would learn there lesson and feel hurt, but then walk away after the bad comments, but me, I became obsessive and started ruining my life. I started out obsessing over my face, but it quickly escalated to other parts of my body that were negatively received on the image board.

    this is me: http://imgur.com/a/OQFRj

    Some background on my obsessional body dysmorphia and low self-confidence: I was born with a genetic disorder called human growth hormone deficiency. I had to take an injection every night for 7 years, it was very expensive. I was expected to be extremely short. With this, I have always felt inferior. I was abused by my mother, not physically, but emotionally. My dad is a submissive coward who will submit to my mother's crazy demands and put up with her insanity. I had a very traumatic childhood in that I was constantly screamed at, critically viewed by my mother, and having to put up with a fighting family every night. Additionally, I was bullied a bit in middle school and completely ignored by girls in high school. I wasn't bullied as much as some kids unfortunately are, but for instance, the popular girls would be mean to me in middle school. Just an example, one of them told me that her friend who was cute liked me. I was so happy to hear this and when I finally asked her out, she laughed and said that I was "saggy" whatever the **** that means. Furthermore, I used to have a crush on this one girl who eventually ended up being the high school valedictorian. We were in ski club together Sophmore year and I was on the lift with her and my friend. He was teasing and mentioned how I used to like this girl, she said "Oh god, I know, I was 'utterly disgusted' when I found out." She said this right in front of me. Now, in the moment, I sucked it up and didn't give a shit, but I'm sure it's part of the reason I sought validation...Everyone has to face rejection, it's a part of life, but I was off to a damn bad start, and became awkward as a result....The start of the Myspace era was awful for me, I just did not fit in at all... I don't even use my Facebook now. High school got no better, all of my friends were getting girlfriends, hooking up with girls and sharing their experiences. They would even make fun of me for never having had a date or kiss. My friend's dad would even embarrass me for being the guy that is awkward with girls. I became jealous and envied my friends that seemed so happy. By senior year, I was pretty frustrated, yet I still focused on my grades. I didn't lose it till last year. Also, I was never an athletic guy, I never was good at any sport to make me feel confident. I did wrestling for the first two years of high school until I broke my collarbone. There, a couple teammates would comment on how my body looked disproportioned, particularly my arms. I just shrugged it off and said "hey, nobody is perfect" when I didn't think all hope was lost.

    My main concern now: my shortened life expectancy.. I have a very rare and untreatable disease called Sarcoidosis. I have 12 nodules in my lungs, this disease can not only effect your respiratory system, but integumentary, leaving horrible scars, your cardiovascular system, and eyes, and. I have trouble breathing and am unable to run or work up a sweat without feeling like I am about to drop. I understand not everyone gets a full life. I could see it as just bad luck and be grateful I don't have cancer. The problem is that I am currently in my prime right now and I'm unwanted. I won't live past 60 probably. The clock is ticking fast..

    I have also recently been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and minor psychotic symptoms and am likely in the developmental onset of paranoid schizophrenia. I also have OCD tendencies. I see a psychiatrist every week, it does nothing for me. I was in an inpatient facility for ten days this past month after my parents saw me talking about suicide online, my psyche said it was critical I be admitted. I did CBT and an intensive, 3 day a week outpatient group therapy. Every person who went there with me was ugly, to be honest. I currently take an antipsychotic, Vyvanse for my ADHD, and 80 mg of Prozac. I am completely miserable, I have trouble even leaving my bed on some days. However, I am still able to go to work at my minimum wage job for 40 hours a week lately as well as go to college for the degree that I have minimal interest in. I have no motivation.

    I am not a bad human being, please understand what I am going through. We all have problems, I understand. Whining about them to people who don't care will not fix them. I'm just stuck, scared, and desperate for an answer to get out of this, how to find love, how to be wanted, why I can't be physically desired.

    I used to be oblivious to what people really thought of me until I opened pandora's box by asking people that I will never meet. I never even thought about my nose, eye spacing, acne or bone structure or lack of masculinity. Hell, I even used to think that I looked pretty good or had potential and that with patience something would happen! I used to be somewhat happy, though I always was feeling like the least important guy in the room/school/party whatever, I was at least complacent with it. I would get good grades in school, smoke urn with my friends all through high school, go to parties and play school sports and just be a regular teenager like all my peers minus the sex and relationships.

    The truth is that I am extremely shy and don't understand how to emotionally connect with the opposite sex. I am emotionally damaged due to my upbringing, being bullied in middle school, being ignored and rejected in high school, and the traumatic reception from when I posted on 4chan. You have to understand, I am not a normal person. My thought processes are obsessive. My psychiatrist can't even pinpoint what is wrong with me, it's a congregation of all sorts of experiences and genetics that leave me predisposed to misery and pain.

    I don't want to kill myself, and I seriously hope that I don't end up like my uncle, but if I were too, I plan to end my life in such a way that my organs can be preserved and passed on to one who will actually be able to enjoy the reality of the world where money, productivity with consequences, beauty, and evil prevails.

    All I'm asking you for is honesty, tough love, help. Only others can help me at this point, I want to know why I can never be attractive. A psychiatrist that is paid damn good money to butter my balls is the LAST thing I need. Sorry for the essay, I hope you guys can help me feel better.
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I don't think you are ugly, but I'm sure you'll never believe that, because of how you feel about yourself. I honestly don't think you're ugly at all. Some sites are full of trolls and people who think it's funny to tear others down and ruin their self esteem. People have always made fun of me, so I feel that I'm just a terrible and hideous person, but I'm probably not. You said you aren't a bad person, and I don't think you are. I understand the feeling of being unable to connect to people...I find it hard to talk to anyone face to face because I am so nervous and shy. I'm sorry that you are dealing with so much crap, you don't deserve that at all, no one does. People here are kind and accepting, so you won't be turned away here or made to feel worse about yourself. We will be here to listen and help any way we can. I hope you stick around and keep posting.
  3. Eveningstar

    Eveningstar Member

    Hey, I viewed your picture, and I have to tell you - YOU ARE NOT UGLY.

    I am so sad to hear what you are going thru. Made so much harder by mean people close to you. I have to agree with Witty_Sarcasm, who put it so well I can't say it better...There are trolls out there!

    Please do come back. We are all hurting here, and we will try our best.
  4. JustKindaThere

    JustKindaThere Well-Known Member

    Seriously dude, you are not ugly. You are lying to yourself. It's all lies been put onto you by bullies throughout your whole life, surely you have to know this deep down :(
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