I'm really sorry for the vague post but I can't deal with my mind screaming at me every second of the day. Thanks in advance for reading... Due to years of alcohol and drug abuse, and the pain I’ve caused others and shame I’ve brought on myself whilst drunk or high, it’s become clear that there is no redemption from my past. Every fuck up in my life has been due to drug and alcohol abuse. Believe it or not, when I’m not off my head I’m actually a very nice person (actually, no, I’m not. I’m a shallow, angry, selfish and slovenly human being). But perception is reality and I am seen as a scary loose cannon; someone you run as far as you can in the opposite direction to avoid. I tried the self-forgiveness tactic but it’s all just a transparent cover for the incessant screaming in my head. I’m sick of hearing my own head and no matter how many times I run away I’m always stuck with my own thoughts. So whatever horrible stuff I’ve done to you, just know that you are vindicated in the fact that I have never forgotten and you eventually will. Looking to the future fills me with dread as historically my life has been chaotic maelstrom after maelstrom. And that’s that. As an atheist, I’m absolutely petrified of never existing again, but the ceaseless noise in my head is proving harder to handle than blackness. I just want the noise to stop.