Hello, just need to talk a bit

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Contradictions, Sep 4, 2009.

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  1. Not gonna kill myself or anything... I've felt like this plenty of times but I have yet to get off my ass and get what I would need to do it. And the pesky hope I can never seem to extinguish is still there.

    I'm just perpetually disappointed with myself. Once in a great while I'm in a good mood and boy, do I feel stupid after that.

    I don't even have serious problems. I am 25, with a bunch of assorted credits and Fs from college, nowhere near any kind of degree - there's nothing I want to do. No path towards a good job. I can't see how it could take less than a few years for me to be making a crappy living that I'd be disappointed to have settled for.

    My social skills are like a fork with one tine. I can talk to people, especially in a task-oriented context, but I can't relax around people unless I've known them for months. I don't know how to have fun at all. And if it's somebody I like? Forget it. By the way, is it normal to just barely relate to or care about almost everyone except for a handful of people I want to impress?

    I have a girlfriend that I feel nothing for, and I hate myself for this. When we got together it took all my energy to see her, so I stopped seeing my "friends" (friends, n. - group of people who I either hardly notice or am terrified to not look good in front of.) I need to interact with most everyone else in order to learn how I can act with the ones I look up to, but it seems like two experiences so completely different that the skills don't even transfer from the one to the other. Learning how to talk to people at work is not the same as talking to people outside. It seems for every person I want to spend time with on a personal level, I have to overcome my terror that they'll not like me, and then IF I manage that, learn an entire new set of behaviors... where to go, what to do, what to talk about.

    Ugh, this is horribly disjointed and I'm embarrassed to have written it. Gonna stop for the time being. Thanks for reading.
     
  2. ODIECOM

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    my question would be, what happened in your life that made you feel that way ?
     
  3. Usually it's nothing, and I just feel hopeless anyway. Today it's more acute because of two things:

    1) Missed medication.
    2) Tried to make inroads with another girl I like, and that didn't really go anywhere. Not that I disgusted her or anything, just me being boring because I have no personality. Yes, I know, I feel bad for doing this also while I'm not single. I think I'm going to break up anyway when I can work up the strength, and if there is a shot right now I don't want to miss it. But there probably is no shot, just standard oversensitivity and false positives.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Have you a therapist that can help you with your social skills and anxieties. Therapist can help see where this is all coming from and how to change your mind set your way of thinking about yourself and others. Glad your here and that you are talking to us.
     
  5. Yep I have a therapist. As I said though, that's a different environment than any other social setting. I am comfortable talking to her, or I thought I was. I said a few things here I would probably not say to her.

    I guess I think that the way I see the world marks me as a bad person. I don't want to think or feel in such a frigid and calculating way. I will bring some of this up with her, as much as I can bear.
     
  6. ODIECOM

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    hmmmm,
    maybe you should back off the relationship thing for AWHILE. get your head straight and slowly get back into it.
    what happens is, we enter a relationship .. feel the way you do, and then we end up feeling even worse about ourself because we may feel we are leading the person on, or wasting their time.

    the bottomline is, its time to work on you. your life isnt gunna end if you dont have a girl for a period of time. get yourself together and stable first.
    so many times we are fighting a revolving door. our emotional, depression issues and then we add more with something we think we need .. when we actually dont in the state we are in. just adds more crap to the plate.
    be good to yourself wont you ?
     
  7. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    Hey, welcome to the forum. Dont feel embarassed. The truth is I am really much like you. Ive had chances with girls I really liked too and I messed that up because of my anxiety/poor social skills. Im quite boring too and have not much a personality and I can talk to people too but I cant relax around them unless I feel secure around them. It just seems like I have to go through such a battle to feel the slightest bit okay with the person i want to befriend but by the time I feel confident enough to up my game, they are gone already thinking im a nuthead weirdo. Then im back to square one but added regrets to the past. I feel for you dude.
     
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