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Hello kind souls . . . if I keep on writing does it make it real?

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by limboland, Feb 26, 2014.

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  1. limboland

    limboland New Member

    Well . . . . Here. I. Am. . . . Here I am. Darn those three words make me cry!
    It's actually a bit painful writing these words . . . the keys a little like small stinging needles.
    I'm a moderately functioning depressive at the moment. Depressive- ouch!
    I spend each day working hard in a stressful job I play hard to care about. I get home and try to ignore the feelings that bubble up and tell me I'm breaking. I do a bit more work at home, then 'fake it till I make it' cementing up the cracks trying to prove to myself I'm okay. I say, I'll exercise tomorrow . . . I'll start guitar lessons . . I'll enjoy a morning coffee . . . I really try. But now I'm tired. I find myself contemplating <mod edit - methods> The fantasy comes thick and fast now and I'm a little scared I can't keep holding it together. So a little about me?:
    - 33 yo female
    - Slightly dysfunctional background; mother had munchausen by proxy, general neglect, sexual abuse round 8, father died of cancer, best friend killed herself, no family, lived alone since 16 . . . yada yada yada
    - Smart kid at school. Top marks, over achiever.
    - Life in general; Fell well below expectations. Worked so hard with nothing to show. Good friends though.
    - Tried psychologists, psychiatrists, meds - didn't work
    - Had a long term (decade) relationship that ended Christmas last year. I was the dumped.
    - Now bad feelings are back with avengance

    So here. I. am.
    The thing is . . . I find life . . . devastatingly and heartbreakingly beautiful. I wouldn't change a thing. I have forgiven (everyone but myself perhaps). I am so grateful for everything I have been given. I know how lucky I am to grow up free. To have a healthy body. To be educated. The world is so god damn beautiful it often brings me to tears. Even that places like this exist . . . with people like you . . . there is a lot of goodness in the world. But for me I've always felt like a bit of an alien. And it's like I've stayed for the dinner party and now just want to quietly back out the door, say a heartfelt thank-you and a soft goodbye. I don't want to do violence to my body because this vehicle has done me well. I just want to sleep and never wake up. I'm done. I have zero expectations of my life. The colour has drained from my world. I'm just so tired of trying and struggling and functioning and being good and hiding and hoping that anything I do makes any difference at all. It's like I just don't get the rules of this game, this place. All the ingredients were there . . . maybe I'm a ghost?

    Anyway, thanks for listening. I'm usually the one who does all the listening so this feels mighty indulgent and kinda weird. Feel like I need to apologise. Sorry. . . and sending you love on your journey.

    Must . . . press . . . submit new thread . . . but does . . it make . . . this . . . real . . .
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 26, 2014
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi to you i can relate to some of what you have written and sometime yes it does make it real when one write out their emotions their thoughts.
    You are doing so well to reach out for support welcome to SF.
    I do hope thought for yourself you can try again the meds or therapy there are new meds now that treat hard to treat depression ask your doc ok you should not have to feel so alone in the fight against the darkness

    Here is a good place to find new friends to be heard and to be understood so keep posting ok never be sorry for reaching out here hugs
  3. justsomegirl

    justsomegirl Well-Known Member

    Hello Limboland and welcome to the forum. Don't worry about apologizing for posting; that's what everyone's hear for! :) I'm hearing that you don't want to die per say but are just seeking relief and quiet. I can tell from your post what a kind, intelligent and creative person you are. I'm sorry you haven't found doctors or meds to be helpful in the past. I've known people that have been helped by other things like cutting caffeine out of their diet or doing yoga and meditation. There are resources and ideas out there. What a strong person to have taken the initiative to seek them out and find this forum. I hope you find some support here and look forward to getting to know you better. :hug:
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I agree with the above 2 posters limbo - and I'm so impressed that, with all the negative things you have had happen in your life, that you can see the beauty of this world and the things in it. Welcome to the forum where we are all here to share with others what we have learned and to give support and advice where we can. You mention something about not "knowing the rules of the game" - ..... but I think at a deeper level the knowledge is all there, you just need to be able to access it and tap into it.
    I'm a bit confused about the disease your mom had - how can one have a disease by proxy? not heard of that at all before.....?? Anyway, big huggggggggggggs to you, and a warm welcome :)
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