Well . . . . Here. I. Am. . . . Here I am. Darn those three words make me cry! It's actually a bit painful writing these words . . . the keys a little like small stinging needles. I'm a moderately functioning depressive at the moment. Depressive- ouch! I spend each day working hard in a stressful job I play hard to care about. I get home and try to ignore the feelings that bubble up and tell me I'm breaking. I do a bit more work at home, then 'fake it till I make it' cementing up the cracks trying to prove to myself I'm okay. I say, I'll exercise tomorrow . . . I'll start guitar lessons . . I'll enjoy a morning coffee . . . I really try. But now I'm tired. I find myself contemplating <mod edit - methods> The fantasy comes thick and fast now and I'm a little scared I can't keep holding it together. So a little about me?: - 33 yo female - Slightly dysfunctional background; mother had munchausen by proxy, general neglect, sexual abuse round 8, father died of cancer, best friend killed herself, no family, lived alone since 16 . . . yada yada yada - Smart kid at school. Top marks, over achiever. - Life in general; Fell well below expectations. Worked so hard with nothing to show. Good friends though. - Tried psychologists, psychiatrists, meds - didn't work - Had a long term (decade) relationship that ended Christmas last year. I was the dumped. - Now bad feelings are back with avengance So here. I. am. The thing is . . . I find life . . . devastatingly and heartbreakingly beautiful. I wouldn't change a thing. I have forgiven (everyone but myself perhaps). I am so grateful for everything I have been given. I know how lucky I am to grow up free. To have a healthy body. To be educated. The world is so god damn beautiful it often brings me to tears. Even that places like this exist . . . with people like you . . . there is a lot of goodness in the world. But for me I've always felt like a bit of an alien. And it's like I've stayed for the dinner party and now just want to quietly back out the door, say a heartfelt thank-you and a soft goodbye. I don't want to do violence to my body because this vehicle has done me well. I just want to sleep and never wake up. I'm done. I have zero expectations of my life. The colour has drained from my world. I'm just so tired of trying and struggling and functioning and being good and hiding and hoping that anything I do makes any difference at all. It's like I just don't get the rules of this game, this place. All the ingredients were there . . . maybe I'm a ghost? Anyway, thanks for listening. I'm usually the one who does all the listening so this feels mighty indulgent and kinda weird. Feel like I need to apologise. Sorry. . . and sending you love on your journey. Must . . . press . . . submit new thread . . . but does . . it make . . . this . . . real . . .