Hello, my name is kevin

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by camera4, Jan 22, 2008.

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  1. camera4

    camera4 New Member

    I am a 41 year old guy who has always wanted to die (sorry to be so blunt) and I have never understood why.

    I have spent most of my life as a soldier in the British army like most of my family but I was medically discharged in 1995 with a head injury while on active service. The head injury I suffered put me in a military hospital for two years and that was hell on earth.

    I am more or less back to my old self but I have terrible thoughts every day. My dreams are so vivid I wake up yelling military crap and freaking out. My wife is amazing and very understanding as she knows what I've done and where I have been but she has no idea that every day I have to battle powerful feelings of self harm and suicide.

    I have two daughters and a 22 year old stepdaughter who love me as I do them and I think it is only that reason that has stopped me from destroying myself. I wondered if my feelings are more a fantasy than anything else but that said I have had the muzzle of an assault rifle (sa80) in my mouth when I was based in Tidworth and the safety was clicked through the stock to the off position. I thought about my family then but it seemed 50/50 as to their memory stopping me from squeezing the trigger. I only removed the muzzle because I realized that I would be dead and my Scottish wife would be in southern England alone and betrayed by me. That realization stopped me from taking up the final pressure.

    I don't really know what I am trying to say other than every single day I think about death and a huge part of me yearns for it. I feel trapped in that I would never want to hurt my family so I am resigned to fighting these feelings every day, hoping that one day i might be able to stop wishing for death. Actually it is not so much death i wish for but the black oblivion I believe death to be.

    My life for the past ten years has been pretty good I must admit. I won a large compensation settlement which i have kept in trust for my children as I am not a materialistic type and never have been. Money is not what makes me happy and I don't think I have really ever been happy except for the days when I saw my children being born. My wife is the most amazing person I have ever met and she does not deserve a man who tends to see the dark in everything and I can be very cynical. I do not let her know what is in my head as she does not deserve that. She has never had family and was brought up in the care system. I made it my job to take care of her when we met back in 1988 so it is difficult to lay my burden on her.

    I am careful to keep my feelings to myself but weirdly I am an extrovert type of person who can liven up a party and so on but it is all a front and a paradox. Inside I am isolated and very alone. I can't express the feelings that are inside me adequately because only my psychologist really knows me but I have taken steps to try to combat the worst effects. I am not able to make real friends as when I am asked what it is I do and I explain that I am a trust fund beneficiary, I start to be asked for money or material things like that. I am thus a total loner.

    I have been going to the gym for about 5 years. I do weight training, martial arts and cardiovascular workouts which has seriously helped me to remain on top of the bad feelings but the dreams still persist. I don’t drink, smoke or do drugs (anymore). I used to take antidepressants but they left me feeling washed out and feeling old so I stopped under the guidance of my psychologist.

    In 1993 I was nearly killed by men who left me in a coma and left me paralyzed down my right side. It was a visciously serious attempt to kill and I was meant to die of that I have never doubted. I take strength from that when urges for suicide and self harm come calling

    However I had to learn how to walk and even eat again and it has taken a long time and huge effort to return. The residual pyschological effects have been hell. I cannot stand to have a man behind me, I cannot sit in a room with my back to the door or window and I find it very difficult to trust people. It was my trust in people that nearly got me murdered in the first place.

    My family history has never been good. From an early age I had to protect my younger brothers from bullying due to the fact that we are mixed race. I have been stabbed, slashed, beaten and rejected from places in London to Edinburgh. My father was an alcoholic most of his life and my mother is schizophrenic in a way that makes her very harmful to those around her. I think my problem with wanting to die comes from the things my mother used to say to me as a child. My mother always told me that I was a no good POS and that I should do the world a favour and kill myself. So on and so on. This started when I was about 10 years of age... I no longer speak to my mother.

    However I think she left something in my head from childhood that keeps urging me to at least think about killing myself. I would like to hope I would never do such a thing but I don't know the future and it scares me more than anything.

    I have been in a position where I have come close to killing myself several times through my life. From overdose to bullet to submersion in ice cold water, I once threw myself into a Scottish river in wintertime when I was a teenager (excruciatingly painful). I really do not want to die but that said there is a large part of me that wants nothing else.

    Anyway I feel pretty good at the moment but I fear these black thoughts and nightmares never go away. I was told they would subside but I was told this in 1994. The dreams persist and I am tired of being covered in gore and I am tired of hearing hysterical woman.

    The first time I have ever seen someone die was in 1978 when I was about 9. I lived in Guyana, Port Kaituma - a military base that my Uncle, Major general Oscar commanded at the time. A tropical hardwood had crashed down onto a building, crushing to death 15 people just 50 metres or so away from where I was standing. I was so close that the impact, dust and vibration threw me off my feet.
    Since then I have seen a lot of death and I cannot scrub it from memory (I’ve tried). I never imagined than that now I would be in envy of those that went before me. This happened in the same year of the Jim Jones massacre where 900 members of his cult killed themselves in Surinam. I remember seeing some of the bodies (wrapped in white sheets) being flown back to Georgetown as we passed the airstrip just outside Mathew’s ridge where the cult members used to pick up their supplies once a month (black sunglasses, unfriendly demeanour and always carrying automatic rifles). It was that year that I found out the meaning of death in a very real sense that could be seen and smelled.

    Now I live ok but I am paranoid all the time and I have night capable CCTV outside my home covering all the blind spots. I have weapons under my bed, a weapon near my PC and I am hyper alert whenever I leave the house, and I do not integrate into society anymore as the company of people (men specifically) leave me feeing anxious, depressed and paranoid. I equate cities and towns as being hotspots of hidden violence and danger because “humans” live there in great numbers. My life is scary in that context and there is no end in sight.

    Sorry for the length of this post BTW. Once I start writing I find it difficult to stop. I feel better for getting that off my chest and if you read it I thank you. If not then I can understand that too.


  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Welcome, Kev. You will always find someone here to listen. You have suffered alot and I hope you will find a way out of the darkness,
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Sounds like you have a host of stuff going on in there Kev, one thing being PTSD. Did you not get any counselling whilst in hospital?
    Seems to me you need to talk thru this with a trained ear, including the disfunctional parents you grew up with.
    My first thought would be to see your GP for a referal to a therapist.

    Welcome to the forum. :smile:
  4. Will

    Will Staff Alumni

    Welcome Kevin :smile:

    Sounds like you've got quite a rough history. There's good support here, and everyone's really nice, and supportive.

    It's good to meet you buddy
  5. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    hi kev, welcome to the forum.

    no matter what you have gone thru you are a very strong person to withstand thses urges, to be so close to putting a 5.56 thru your head and yet walk away is amazing.
    you have a loving family who have stood by you thru the bad times and you seem to be a caring father and husband.

    stick around and carry on fighting mate, i think after what i have read you owe it to yourself and family to get thru this, but do it one day at a time and alwas look forward to tomoorow.

    take care and stay safe

  6. BlackPegasus

    BlackPegasus Well-Known Member

  7. camera4

    camera4 New Member

    Thank you all for such a great welcome and wise words. I apologise for taking my time to reply as I have just returned from a good workout.

    I was diagnosed with PTSD and it took a lot of work to deal with it because I thought I was going nuts at the time. At one time I could not leave the house and if it was fireworks night you could normally find me in a cupboard or other dark place.

    There was a time when just a group of people could cause me to hyperventilate and I would run from a busy street so I am not too bad with that aspect of my condition at least.

    As for the 5.56, yes it was a close call and I am very glad I did not try it out for size now. A friend of mine was accidentally shot with one as he briefed some of his troop. The round entered his right knee, bounced off his hip and traveled up through his body to exited his right shoulder. A very strange wound indeed and a nasty mess but thankfully he made a good recovery, considering the damage a round will do to flesh.

    He did not look like he was in pain at the time. He Just swore a lot, did a bit of what looked like break-dancing and then passed out. Looking at the exit wound (went through the shoulder blade) I hated to imagine what I could have done to my head. I know I would just have been dead and none the wiser but I like things neat and tidy I guess.

    Thank you once again for the warm welcome.
  8. gforce7

    gforce7 Active Member

    hi kevin

    i'm new here too and can relate to alot of the things you've written. you've been through a hell of a lot in your life and i hope you can somehow develop a renewed motivation and zest for life. very best wishes, g
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    welcome to the forum kevin :hug:
  10. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum :smile:
  11. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF Kevin. I can relate to what you say about feeling like you are going crazy with your PTSD. It definitely is something that is not very easy to overcome or live with. i hope you are able to come to terms with it. :hug:
  12. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum sir
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